For those of us with commitment issues, your phone or other device wallpaper gets very old very quickly. So. How do we keep the relationship fresh while also enjoying a little dish on the side and maybe dropping this increasingly gross metaphor? One word: Muzei.

github

While there are a lot of apps out there that let you select and change your wallpaper as often as you'd like, there's something to be said about an app that actually updates it for you on a daily basis, with new images selected from a source of your choice. 

The app then blurs the image backward so your widgets and apps remain visible, though you can view the image at any time by double tapping the screen. The image appearing as your screensaver is clean and sleek, but opening the Muzei app gives you useful additional background information on the image of the day.

Naturally, in keeping with our "cheapskate fond of the good life" theme, the app and its various extensions, are available absolutely free for Android.

"Extensions?", you ask, puzzled and intrigued.

Yes, extensions. With Muzei and its related add ons, you can opt for streams from the Marvel Universe

Google Play

National Geographic images for those so inclined

Google Play

or for the more morbid among us, the Beautiful Death extension that features Game of Thrones art.

Google Play

There are an insane number of additional extensions available for your pleasure, ranging from NASA images, to album art from music you enjoy, images you have on Dropbox and back. Or if you can't choose a category, you have the option of Multimuze, which gathers images from a variety of sources.

This being a Monday Like A Sir post, you are of course encouraged to get the Muzei Live Wallpaper stand alone app (extension?) that focuses solely on artwork.

Personal screenshot

With a brand new painting every day, you're bound to see something you like. As mentioned, opening the Muzei app gives you the title of the art work, name of the artist and the year it was made. You can use this to search the artist, figure out what their style is called, similar artists, etc: essentially, it's the most lazy-friendly way to discover painters you will enjoy. Doing this often enough will get you fairly familiar with the art world; at least enough to hold your own in a conversation.

readerswonderland

Righto, it has been I, your Sir guide, Evey G. Go ye forth, install and enjoy. Wishing you all an "Oh, you hadn't heard of this app? Plebe." week. 

So. You took a chance and texted your crush/old friend/estranged pet platypus that's also a spy/classmate and have yet to hear back. Now you sit in the darkness with your sobbing icecream pondering what you possibly could have done wrong. We all know the feelz, and we are here to help.

1. You expect him/her to entertain you
You know the one. He/she texts "hi" or "hello" and expects the onus of turning their boredom into an actual conversation to be upon you. Maybe it's just me (it's not & stop lying) but texts like these put me on full Love and Hip Hop mode: I'm in front of the camera and I need to earn my keep by being turnt up, in this case, witty, intellectual and hilarious.

Witty, intellectual and hilarious. rebloggy

Yes, we understand that sometimes you just miss someone and want to talk to them, even though you don’t particularly have anything to say, but gosh darn it, there is a limit.

Say, you were in a random fight and you want to text & see if your crush is over it. A “hey” is acceptable because with most people, reactions can range from a 7 page text detailing all the ways in which you can jump off a bridge with Google Maps links to the ones nearest you, to the more gracious “CHOKE ON A WEAVE, TURTLE-FACE!!!”. Mark my sage words, ladies and gents, this the only time you are allowed to send someone a "hey". Otherwise:

gif-central

Solution

-Stop being boring. 

-Send "I'm bored, entertain me". We're all adults here. I'm your humour clande. Let's keep it real.

2. You're a creeper
Hello, Charles! Yes, our watchmen still have a picture of you.

insideoutnight

3. You're a downer
This one is pretty straight forward. You know that one friend that's always itching to rain on your parade? Your excited "Hey I got a new job!" is met with "yeah but that company poisons rivers and you're just an intern, calm down".  You know the one (or are the one). The friend who minimizes your accomplishments or invalidates your joy by poking holes in whatever it is you're buzzed about, a process scientifically known as "Stealing your Happy".
The world is occasionally an unfair zone, bro, and some people see others as lesser than them. Regrettably, this is often the case where you know the friend is so ride or die, they'll still be there tomorrow morning even after you spend tonight drifting through their mentions on your Twitter Subaru. This generally means you handle the 'subhuman' with enough condescension to shrink Kate Upton's boobs right down.

Pic for fashun purposes. stylebistro

This dynamic generally manifests as folks thinking they have the right to take a flame thrower to others' joys and/or treat them anywhich kind of way, while expecting no consequences. You (in this case, said douchebag) will meet their protests of unfair treatment with the timeless "you're being too sensitive" claim and henceforth treat them like an emotional powder keg FOR BEING HONEST, which in turn makes them feel bad about themselves until they either end your ish with a chainsaw or delete your number and stop responding to your texts. Ta da!

Solution

Check yo'self. Some of us (yes, US) can make cutting and awful statements without realizing it, with no malice intended; we're just terrible people. 

-Pause in your typing of "Your Mum's chest hair!" 

-Think about your life

-Ask yourself, "will this text reveal that I am the secret love child of Cthulu and Donald Trump on the inside?"

-Reply with a Powerpuff Girls quote

4. Your crush is madly in love with you and is afraid of the intensity of their feelings
Lol, no

Sorry. buzzfeed

5. Passive Aggression
Do we all want to be mature, socially responsible adults that own/understand the concept of Mason Jars? Sure. Are we?

 giphy

Sometimes the person you wish to speak to has vanished for reasons that can be described, not inaccurately, as childish. Depending on their level of self awareness, they may concede that they are indeed throwing a tantrum, all while ignoring you for the imagined slight I assure you has been magnified in their heads to "That BASTARD bought me chocolate, he's calling me a darkskin" and other logical conclusions. For those not aware that they are being passive aggressive, well, we must say a prayer. By the grace of "Thank.you*eyeroll*" go they, and it's ok.

pandawhale

There's really not much of a solution that can be offered here, since you are at the mercies of forces you don't yet understand. Resolving the issue depends on exactly which type of emotionally unstable banshee-person you're dealing with:

Solution

-Shower said person with attention. Some kids throw tantrums to get you to look at them and reassure them that you're still interested. Therefore, text every hour on the hour and send pictures of yourself in their clothes that you stole from their washing lines because LOVE.

or

-Give them their space. Some of us throw our silent tantrums because we need time away from you to not be mad at you for the reasons we literally invented two seconds ago. Chill.

6. You've outgrown each other
A sad reality. Your friend/crush/estranged clone is just not the same person they were 5 years ago when you met in the furry chatroom and neither are you. For some people, not responding to your texts is the easy, French exit type way out, as opposed to...more obvious methods.

Solution

Sorry kiddo, they're gone. Delete their number (you KNOW you're going to text that 'inside joke' to them at 3am eventually, spare both of you the awkwardness.) and try to move on. Internet hugs to you, internet hugs. 

There you have it ladies and lads, your WhatsApp chat is woefully lopsided because of one (or more) of the above reasons, BUT now you know how to fix it. Go ye forth and blow up your phone batteries by constant texting - this post is totally not sponsored by the company you'll buy your replacement phone from, promise. Until next time.

scandalmoments

Ah, the restless march of technology. I wanted to start off this post with a quote about how invasive "personal" technology is, like any good curmudgeon, but it's the end of the day and I'm much too lazy to Google one right now: to be delivered on Twitter tomorrow. Maybe.

Original image: imgur

Are you having a good week? I certainly am. With these cold Nairobi months just now kicking in, I'm discovering my Whitewalker heritage and enjoying my light cardigans in the face of the heavy trench coats favoured by my fellow Kenyans. Yes, darlings, I am....immune to cold. Okay, not really, y'all need to stop judging bloggers on the street wearing 4-6 layers of clothing. Surface area to volume ratio, people!

On to my agenda for the day: I'm a person who generally spends a lot of time in my own head and let me tell you, that is a scary place. The lizard overlords make us eat spinach! When I'm not actively ignoring my fellow man with my patented Unintentional BitchFace, or subtly reminding people that I'm better than them because I read complex books in public places, I'm immersed in the internet via phone
Anyone that has met me will probably not be able to tell you what the rectangular area smack in the middle of my face looks like. Like, seriously, I would dare them to describe my nose.

This is me. ...the pic is from like, last year.

As a result, I pay less than zero attention to my surroundings. I mean, sure, I've always got a fairly accurate picture of everyone and everything around me because I killed a spider once and I know his family wants revenge, so I notice "threats" faster than most people but unconsciously block out everything else. 

I didn't even know there were birds in my neighbourhood 'til I heard them this weekend. Having just read the Alchemist and experiencing a moment of unusual peace and clarity in what may have been a hallucination caused by overeating at Swahili Plate, it dawned on me: distractions. Specifically, of the mobile device variety.

It should pain me to say this at the ripe old age of below 30 but we need to unplug. Well, I do. You don't realise how much chaos you actually carry around in your head until you put that infernal device away (yes, that mans you too, reading this from your Galaxy Tab) and put your feet up for the day. Not even watching TV, mind you, the news these days...oy vey.

As I reclined in my onesie grown people PJ's recently, feverishly responding to texts and starting group chats about how Maziwa ya Nyayo needs to resume, but include adults & replace milk with pizza (and make free home deliveries), my Distractions Theory became even more specialized: I am an obsessive WhatsApp user.

It sounds like the most first world of problems, but I assure you it is a serious condition. I cannot count the number of times I've sat down to watch a series then ended up texting the first funny line, setting off a chain reaction of quote-swapping that culminates in a dazed me three hours later unable to tell you a single thing that happened on the show.

 Except this one. I can tell you about this one. popcultureplaypen

The minute something interferes with my ability to enjoy music (I cannot emphasize enough the benefits of LOUDLY singing along with Mohombi in a locked room. Dancing optional, but encouraged), it is officially a situation that needs urgent intervention.

As I write this, my phone is charging in another room. Yes, my entire plan for this is to put the phone at a slightly inconvenient length away then count on my laziness to deter me from getting up to retrieve the thing. Viva sloth power!

Now, I concede that some functions of the phone cannot be completely ignored, for instance, responding to texts from my Mum within exactly 7 minutes. While the Officers were very sweet about the "kidnapping" alert last time, I'm pretty sure I'll be put on a watch-list if it happens again. I can't be on a watch-list; they check those before they let you adopt cats.

 Mine. warwick.ac.uk

My point here is, aside from only the most urgent of communications from those that share the blood of my ancestors (not the Whitewalker side), I am off the grid. To this end, I've set myself a personal challenge: to fast from my greatest mobile vice, WhatsApp. This idea came to me in the dead of the night....at around 10:00pm while I watched Drawn Together in pajamas. Not everyone has friends, ok??
I could have easily said "stop phone surfing" but I know I've drastically cut down on that already and that would be cheating. Also, you probably shouldn't make bets with me.

I had previously uninstalled my WhatsApp in a bid to commit, but c'mon, watching well-intentioned group chats devolve into "I made that joke first" fights is kinda what Wednesdays are all about. Also, removing yourself from temptation in this case means you haven't conquered it, you just ran.

Hence, I have issued myself a challenge:

From today, until...Friday, I shall not WhatsApp unless it is an actual emergency. ....ok, I can look at messages, I just can't respond to them. Baby steps, right? Fine, compromise: since I will obviously be notified of WhatsApp messages when I switch on my wifi or data usage for innocent reasons, I am allowed to glance at the notification, but NOT the messages themselves. That way, I'll know I have 13 messages form 5 different conversations but not know which ones.  ....I just got withdrawal symptoms typing that.

dailybail

Sure, it is super urgent that I forward that one gif of a lion cub hugging a panda (it happened!), but you know what else is important? The promise I made myself to write for my archives everyday, even if it was just a paragraph completely unrelated to what was previously written. Yes, I very urgently need to fan that flame war on the Twitter timeline, BUT I also didn't realise how badly I need to bond with my trusty old laptop and listen to Mariah Carey inform her lover that she Still Believed they would someday find themselves in love again.

logotv.tumblr

I'm a writer so I shall sit and open a blank Open Office Word Processor (subtle Ubuntu propaganda is subtle) document, and simply allow my thoughts to run wild. Sure, I will occasionally get the literary masterpiece that is "Captain Lactaid and the Cheese Invaders" but the point here is that I will find peace. If you're a singer, crank up the tunes and bless us with your voice, as I bless the neigbours with mine: so much so that they bang on the walls to provide musical accompaniment.

I have made a commitment, ladies and gents. I will probably live-tweet what I can imagine the messages to be, and I just KNOW this is the week someone offers me a lifetime supply of Wine Gums if I respond within 6 minutes, but I shall persevere. So far so good, no messages read since probably Monday 7pm. ...10:00pm. Ok fine, today morning, WHATEVER my finger slipped. I should probably check the last message I sent to be sure and not mislead my loving audience, but I won't. Strong Evey. Until next time, darlings!

caitie-lu.tumblr

As it turns out, there is an app for everything. Need a dictionary? There's an app for that. Need to learn a new language? There's an app for that. Need to tattoo the name of your favourite candy bar onto your torso? There's an app for that.

Although we do have better suggestions than candy. jonnyetc

The beauty of apps galore is that there are a few people using this power for good, such as the wonderful individuals over at the Poetry Foundation who came up with the aptly titled "Poetry" app for Android. Having spent most of my years crusading against technology, I can now say I have officially been converted. I am Android user people, iBoys, come at me, bro!

I'm totally the best at taking screenshots, obviously.

Hopefully this app will revolutionise (<<---BRITISH ENGLISH, undo the squiggly line dangit!) my quest for a deeper understanding of poetry, what with features such as selecting poetry to match moods and such.
Also, I require a monocle and top hat. Anyone with information on how to acquire these items, send me an email, M&Ms await.

I would like to match my fabulous new birds.

From my best friend Marceline and I, 'tis all. Wishing you a good morrow, we sign off with the traditional salutation of Sirs:

 Adieu. memebase

To my darlings in the Czech republic and around the world, ahoj. What follows shall be my probably laughable and positively uninformed attempt at a tech post. Hark!

pretty much. ikiuiki

1. iWatch

Yrving Torrealba via yahoo

Apparently, there has been a fanboy explosion over the concept of Apple venturing into the production of watches, with the iWatch expected to top all of everything that has been watched in the history of ever. A fine gent named Jay Yarrow took it upon himself to compile the hottest speculations currently circling the net HERE. Don't you just love the concept of hyperlinks?

2. Bitcoins

via technobuffalo which has a great piece on the matter.

Apparently, bitcoins are a thing now. ...I mean...they were always a thing, just never...a THING...like...y-you get me, right? Yea, you get me. Basically, think of the internet as a country and the Bitcoin as the currency of that particular nation, which are also now worth money in other nations, like trading shillings for dollars. Tech for Dummies: from a Tech Dummy. Find further reading here and here, there will be a quiz.

Not a joke. westislandgazette

3. Google Glass

...what? Do I have something on my face? independent

Google Glass requires no introduction, and if it does, their site is here, we hope you had a pleasant stay under that rock. While some tout the tech advancement it surely is, and some vilify it with glee, I approach the marvel with caution. My privacy, specifically the privacy to walk down the street and have no one know anything about me, or take a picture of me without my consent, or record a video of me failing at wearing high heels and share said video online, is one I value over all else. 

Bravo to the great minds that cooked this up, I see the value and possible use for good, however, I must decry the potential for evil. Sure, even electricity has the potential to be used for nefarious purposes, I'm not proposing the ban of anything that can be misappropriated for mischief.

The only case I'm out to make is that there are a lot of people out there who are unfamiliar with, or choose to disregard, the laws of personal privacy as extends to capturing or using a person's image/likeness, and Google Glass just gave them nuclear capabilities. Our only recourse, ladies and gents, will be measures that shall be condemned as extreme.

Comes in Gold, Red and Bastard Snow. gothic

So there you have it, Nostradameus (get it? 'cause I'm a girl. ...get it?) has spoken. The future is Lady Gaga.

I'm already tired from doing so much not-explaining so I'm going to go have an icecream cone and think about how people are hurting the Lamborghini Veneno's feelings by calling it the ugliest car in the world.

There, there. hypebeast

This post has therefore been paused, and shall continue whenever will inconvenience you the most. Until then darlings, FEAR THE MACHINES!

joyreactor

As previously stated, this blog was started as a way to help expand my horizons. While it was predetermined that Friday would be the day I write about cars or technology, it pains me (not really) to admit that I know next to nothing of either.
Yes, people, the secret is out: I'm actually 98 years old.

I have skate boarding lessons after this. networkworld

Now, it is exceedingly simple for me to just switch the Friday topic to something more my speed that I could sound super smart talking about, since the entire purpose of a blog is convincing people of your superior intelligence and that they should listen to you because you KNOW things.

I really do.

However, a wise woman once said, "To learn new things, you must first be cool with looking dumb. Only then can one catch the young grasshopper...of learning.". While said wise woman may or may not have a close personal relationship with this reporter, the point is valid, and should be printed on t-shirts.

awww thanks 'ye. wenn

I can call him 'ye because we know each other like that. We're homies. Drifting slowly back to the point (bet you forgot there was one), this post is about technology. Now, I couldn't think of a single thing I was interested in , so I'm going with phones, specifically, the one I'm hoping to get at the end of this month. Cue "Ode  to Glory": Sony Xperia P.

via the dolls at ibnlive

I've had my current Samsung for almost 3 years now, and per public opinion (tech savvy haters), it is apparently time for a change. After an afternoon of debate with our resident Mobile Tech Wizard, comparison of features and vigorous nodding on my part (I figured if I nodded he'd stop explaining the history of the dual-core processor. Sadly, he did not.), we settled on the Xperia P. 

Shortly afterward, a friend purchased the Xperia U, effectively confusing my poor analog mind as to which phone to pick, which ended in me deferring the purchase by a month to allow my commitment issues a battle to the death.

Error: Options too similar. fonearena

After almost a month of soul-searching and weighing which phone was prettier, I have settled upon the Xperia P to be my second borne, the 1st being my dependable old laptop that they don't make spare parts for anymore *insert love song to Toshiba here*. 

You can find the specs for the phone at gsmarena, I forget what half of the things there mean. Also? Accelerometer, gyro, proximity, compass: none of those are a thing. You kids with your android iPhones need to stop making up words.

Not. Words.

Guess what? I said this was a tech post and TECHnically, it was. All that's left now is for me to pick a colour for my new Baby: the black looks amazing but there's nothing as sleek as the metallic finish of the silver one. 

via xperiablog. Really hope those tattoos are fake, ladies.

Alas, this post has drawn to it's natural end: I know, I know, you could read me all day, but shhhhh *puts finger to your lips & gazes deeply into your eyes* we'll always have gyro proximity accelerometers. 

I look forward to scrolling the comments for condescending advice and directives for me to return to the kitchen. I intend to do my damnedest to have actual tech on my next Friday post, until then: 

tell 'em. funnyordie