So, you're five months into 2015 and yet to set foot inside a gym/eaten pizza right out of the box while walking past a gym. We get it: some resolutions are harder to keep than others, especially when you happen to be broke and/or lazy. Broke here meaning anything from "literally my wallet is just full of receipts" to "I actually have a tidy sum in my account, but it's earmarked for something else so technicallllly, I'm broke".
Worry not, fair citizens: when it comes to doing anything on a (practically non-existent) budget, you know who gotchu? Us. The answer is obviously "us".

Original Image: Pinterest

Aside from "low blood pressure", "proper heart function" and other fairy tales spun by 'Doctors', there are more immediate effects to being at least a little fit. Being less tired, for instance. You know what people who aren't completely fatigued for no reason every day can do? That's right: walk to the supermarket to buy more whiskey. Being less grumpy, better skin for reasons we have yet to understand, and other little things that count for a LOT. Basically, no one is asking you to be a bodybuilder- we just want you to be able to dance to a David Guetta song in it's entirety without needing a sit down break half way through.

Apps

Yup, your first stop is your phone. There are a lot of great, free options available for your mobile OS of choice, but my personal favourite is Sworkit.
This is available for Android, iPad and iPhone as a paid app or the Lite version for fuhree here.

You have four exercise types to choose from: within each, there are various postures or exercises conveniently bundled into 5 minute-long mini 'workouts'. All of these have instructional images & a voice coach walking you through your session.

Additionally, it doesn't require your email address or log in, unlike the following runners up which are also popular across the interwebs: Workout Trainer and Nike+ Training Club.

Play store

If you prefer a purely Yoga experience, Daily Yoga is hands down the best app out there. This comes as an original free app, within which there are plug ins that you download depending on your interest. Some plug ins are premium, but the majority are free and focused on specific routines/body parts.

The best part are the instructional videos (within the app) showing exactly what to do, along with detailed voice guidance, making it perfect for beginners. 

For those with such concerns, there is no spiritual, trance stuff involved: this is 100% about exercise.

YouTube

Yes, the den of iniquity and cat videos that is YouTube. In a testament to human laziness, typing "5 minute workout/stretch/yoga/cardio" or whatever other exercise you can think of will yield a world of results to suit your particular needs. It's... *sniffs* it's beautiful.

giffactory

If you're just starting out on the basics of not being a medical disaster, you might want to start slow: Fitness Blender has an excellent variety of work outs, exercise tips and stretches. Videos range from 6 minutes long to a full work out at 1 hour 20 minutes, which LOL.
If your interests lie more in overall wellness rather than breaking a sweat, Tara Stiles over at Livestrong Woman is a revelation for her 5 minute yoga series that are delightfully easy to follow.

Designing Your Routine

A few tips, furry friends:
-Remember, fit does not have to mean abs. feeling fit (by our standards which your doctor would probably not agree with) doesn't have to mean 05:00am jogging and two hour work outs after work. A basic 5 minutes a day counts for a lot and can be your thing; it can also be a base to expand to 10 minutes a day. Then 30 minutes. Then 2 hours. -Then 27 hours a day. And so on and so forth.

-As far as a work out plan, go by your needs. If you walk around a lot during the day, focus more on stretches, yoga, pilates, tai chi and so on: things are relatively easier on the body and help you recover from the physical activity. If you spend your day seated, maybe drift towards aerobics and get that heart rate up.

lotsofgossip

-VARY YOUR SCHEDULE. Keep your exercise experience fresh. Mondays are for yoga? Make Wednesday about strength training. Come Friday, put on Chris Brown's "Turn Up The Music" on and try to follow their choreography (this counts as aerobics and no one can tell us otherwise). Switching up your timetable can stave off boredom & help you stay committed to your fitness goals.

-Get all the help you need. You can put together an exercise playlist to keep you in the moment (or choose from the millions online). If you're having trouble getting started, motivational videos will not fail you. Motivation Grid does good work, as does Absolute Motivation. No shame in the game folks, you do what you gotta do.

Obviously, by starting off here, you'll be totally buff/ripped in 3 days flat; that's just how science works. In case you aren't, however, keep at it and think of the entire internet silently judging you for giving up on Day 2. For questionable advice and #CheapskateTips, this has been Evey G.

wifflegif

Greetings, dear citizens of the internet, from your favourite procrastinator. March was an unreasonably busy month so posts kind of tapered off, but never fear: we're back in gear. On with the review!

The Book

"We Are All Completely Fine" is a novella from stunning wordsmith Daryl Gregory, who I have ranted and raved about before and this, folks, THIS. The book is an across the board revelation: Gregory is letting you know that he knows he's the man, and you know he's the man, and he knows that you know that he knows that you know he's the man. ...I'm 90% sure that reads how I wanted it to. #DealWithIt

Harrison is the Monster Detective, a storybook hero. Now he's in his mid-thirties and spends most of his time not sleeping.

Stan became a minor celebrity after being partially eaten by cannibals. Barbara is haunted by the messages carved upon her bones. Greta may or may not be a mass-murdering arsonist. And for reason, Martin never takes off his sunglasses.

Unsurprisingly, no one believes their horrific tales until they are sought out by psychotherapist Dr. Jan Sayer. What happens when these likely-insane outcasts join a support group? Together they must discover which monsters they face are within and which are lurking in plain sight

Summary from Goodreads. Find an excerpt here.

What You'll Like 

The novella is beautifully paced. Since it's very short, and Gregory has chosen to focus on an ensemble cast, this could easily have felt like way too much plot stuffed into one small package, so this is no small feat in itself.
The group of characters themselves are diverse and have stories you'll be dying to hear properly fleshed out in their entirety, though Gregory does a good job of slipping us all the information relevant to the story. So intriguing, actually, are the characters that Gregory has dropped a new book based on the lead: Harrison Harrison. Find an excerpt here.
The story is beautifully woven and you'll enjoy reading from start until about 3 pages to the finish. Here, you'll realize you only have 3 pages left and procees to completely lose your shit because omg this book should have lasted forever.
You will also love and be creeped out/forever haunted by Martin's storyline. L'chaim.

madamenoire

What You Won't Like

Nothing. Shhhhhhh, beloved, shhhhhhh. Just go with it.

giphy

If this is your first Daryl Gregory book, you will want to read more, believe you me. Pick up what is in my opinion his best work yet, Afterparty, then come back and show your gratitude in wine coupons.

You might also be possessed to read "Unpossible and Other Stories" his short story anthology. Don't do it. I won't even link the book here is how much you should not do it. Seriously. Seriously.

For hella delayed reviews and promises to do better, this has been your Monday Like A Sir guide, Evey G.

Original Image

The thing about being a reader, and being known as one, is that people always try to get you to read their personal faves. Maybe they want to find common ground to talk about with your introverted self, maybe they want you to join their particular cult- these things cannot be known.

What is known, however, is that I generally tend to look up and act upon majority of the recommendations that come way...aside from the self improvement, self help type tomes. Today though, this changes. THE WORLD CHANGES.

After hearing enough "this book will shift the way you understand the universe/it did so much for me/I got a tattoo of the author's hairline after reading", I have decided to bite the bullet, and you're coming with me.
To madness, sirs!

1. "A Book of Five Rings: The Classic Guide to Strategy" 

Miyamoto Musashi (translator - Victor Harris)

Feedbooks where you can actually legally download the book

The exact quote that came with this recommendation was "Hey, you're into all that ninja cartoon stuff, right?", referring to my anime fandom, otaku stylings and general fangirling. Which, I mean...

This book is allegedly by an ancient Samurai (suspicious) and remains relevant to date. Let's see.

2. "The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business" 

Charles Duhigg

Retreat by Random House

This was recommended by a fellow scholar of human psychology, which is to say another person that enjoys endless navel-gazing and deciding we're special snowflakes as much as I do. So, the best. 

I've actually gone through more than half the book thus far and picked up some pointers that SHOULD be obvious but that I'm betting you hadn't thought of either, with the added benefit of cutesy diagrams.

Goodreads

Fear not, it isn't another "You is strong, you is kind" get over your addiction book: I was pleasantly surprised to find myself noting some patterns in the day to day as simplified in the book, and now I'm a much better person for it, and am receiving a "Best Person Ever" award from Obama in 2 weeks.

Con: Either my attention span is garbage (yes) or at some point the book lost the plot and diverted into less practical, applicable concepts. I am yet to finish it and probably won't, but the first 3/4 of it was a revelation. Go read. 

3.  "Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap...and Others Don't" 

Jim Collins

Tools and Toys

This is a business-based book that allegedly has insights that are applicable on a personal level, recommended to me by a person I'm 30% sure roleplays Marty Khan every Tuesday and Thursday, and that's ok.

So far, I am two chapters deep and while the first one was a tad too...businessy for me (shut up) Chapter 2 is shaping up fairly well so far. I shall soldier on, as should you.

4. "The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom"

Miguel Ruiz

Rising Above

Recommended by a spiritual enlightenment new-agey 2015 hippie, this book is HIGHLY suspect. 

I managed to crack open the first couple of pages and found some vague introduction about an ancient group of wisemen spiritualist types? 

Once Upon A Time ABC wikia

One day, when there's a power blackout and I have enough wine, I will read this book in its entirety. One day.

5. "The 33 Strategies of War" 

Robert Greene

I should be worried that people keep recommending all these psychopath-adjacent books, right? Like, there has to be something being hinted at? Y'all ain't sh*t, btw.

Goodreads

From the author of "The 48 Laws of Power" comes this book that I'll eventually read and figure out how to survive World War 3/The Nuclear Apocalypse and punish you ALL when I'm the Global Anarchy Empress.

Like this, but with more pink. GOT Wikia

For sketchy recommendations that promise to make you better, this has been Evey G back from hiatus. Peeeeeeace!

Original Image: Goodreads

No day in my life has ever been as blessed as the one in which I received Daryl Gregory's "Afterparty". None. You guys, not even the birth of my son (sorry Aximili AgeofUltron Winchester).

Totally real children who are real aside, let's get to it, shall we? ***no spoilers***

Synopsis

Now. I have to advise that you skip reading this and just get straight to the book. It's an infinitely more enjoyable experience if you go in blind and try to figure out what's happening as you proceed, which is what I did. 

As such, and because dictatorship is the best, the synopsis is now at the end of the review. L'chaim!

wifflegif

WHAT YOU'LL LIKE

The Premise: For obvious, spoiler reasons, this cannot be properly expounded on, but, BUT suffice it to say, you will be impressed. Whatever Gregory is on, we want some. In ointment form, because sometimes we have trouble swallowing pills. 

The Setting: The book is set in the near future, which is usually kind of hard to pull off. Gregory crafts an "anything is possible" future which is very much grounded in today's reality; a good balance between so far into the future that we can't relate and too close to today to capture the imagination. The gadgets do the most here by really seeming like something we'll see in the next five or ten years - accessible, but still SCIENCY.

The Realism. Yes, realism. The book does nothing to sugar coat consequences for actions or gloss over/glorify things that are realities, BUT without being grim. The protagonist actually goes to prison for her crimes, you guys. The drug-induced mental issues that seem kinda cool to have and easy to glorify are also looked at through the lens of those affected around the sufferer, keeping it in perspective. Again, none of this feels heavy handed or depressing, just, real.

The Flawed Characters: Again, it is shamefully easy to veer off into "my flaws make me a cool renegade, aspire to me" territory, but man, does Gregory keep it together. The characters' flaws are well expressed as integral parts of them, organically growing out of their (excellent. seriously, excellent) backstories and not being neatly tied up in a Suddenly Healthy bow at the end. Relatable, real, and about to drag you on the adventure you'll be pretending was your life story on dates for years to come.

Mashable

WHAT YOU WON'T LIKE

Mini buffalo herd. You'll know it when you see it. 

Once you're through with this one, if you want a follow up Daryl Gregory book (and you will) I recommend "We Are All Completely Fine" to ease your withdrawals.

For Monday Like A Sir, this has been Evey G. Fair thee well. 

giphy

******************************************************************

The Promised Synopsis

If you chose to read the synopsis anyway, you little rebel you, the book begins with a teen runaway introduced to a new smart drug named "Numinous". When the effects - basically experiencing your own personal God- wear off, the emptiness overwhelms her and she kills herself inside the mental institution where she was being held. Another resident of the centre, scientist Lyda Rose, quickly figures out that the teen was on said drug- one that Lyda helped to create and fell victim to. Now, she must work to track down her co-creators and right past wrongs...

For those of us with commitment issues, your phone or other device wallpaper gets very old very quickly. So. How do we keep the relationship fresh while also enjoying a little dish on the side and maybe dropping this increasingly gross metaphor? One word: Muzei.

github

While there are a lot of apps out there that let you select and change your wallpaper as often as you'd like, there's something to be said about an app that actually updates it for you on a daily basis, with new images selected from a source of your choice. 

The app then blurs the image backward so your widgets and apps remain visible, though you can view the image at any time by double tapping the screen. The image appearing as your screensaver is clean and sleek, but opening the Muzei app gives you useful additional background information on the image of the day.

Naturally, in keeping with our "cheapskate fond of the good life" theme, the app and its various extensions, are available absolutely free for Android.

"Extensions?", you ask, puzzled and intrigued.

Yes, extensions. With Muzei and its related add ons, you can opt for streams from the Marvel Universe

Google Play

National Geographic images for those so inclined

Google Play

or for the more morbid among us, the Beautiful Death extension that features Game of Thrones art.

Google Play

There are an insane number of additional extensions available for your pleasure, ranging from NASA images, to album art from music you enjoy, images you have on Dropbox and back. Or if you can't choose a category, you have the option of Multimuze, which gathers images from a variety of sources.

This being a Monday Like A Sir post, you are of course encouraged to get the Muzei Live Wallpaper stand alone app (extension?) that focuses solely on artwork.

Personal screenshot

With a brand new painting every day, you're bound to see something you like. As mentioned, opening the Muzei app gives you the title of the art work, name of the artist and the year it was made. You can use this to search the artist, figure out what their style is called, similar artists, etc: essentially, it's the most lazy-friendly way to discover painters you will enjoy. Doing this often enough will get you fairly familiar with the art world; at least enough to hold your own in a conversation.

readerswonderland

Righto, it has been I, your Sir guide, Evey G. Go ye forth, install and enjoy. Wishing you all an "Oh, you hadn't heard of this app? Plebe." week. 

via Nairobi Now

Surprise! An actual Monday post, presented on a Monday! In the great Sirs Monday tradition of Brevity, I present with minimal comment, the Masquerade Exhibition by Anthony Okello, hosted by the 1 Off Gallery.
Sir Okello's art is described by Nairobi Now as follows, and I quote:

In this exhibition, Okello’s explores the human psychology of disguise and the covering of true identity. He says the ‘masks hide the real intention of the wearer’.

The exhibit was to premier yesterday and is to run until 26th June. It is open for viewing daily from 11am-5pm save for Mondays and public holidays, therefore, loves, get to stepping. The location of the Gallery itself is a bit out of the way so there is an unfortunately high chance that I myself will not be able to take it to the show, but it is my civic duty to inform all you budding art appreciators of the awesomeness that is to be undertaken.

 via Anthony Okello

And that would be it for Sirs Monday this week. Wishing you the best as you countdown to Friday (I see you), from OHASZ, this is Evey G and my new roommate, signing out.

Quite. knowyourmeme

Greetings my precious darlings. 'tis Monday (hush now, you're confused and I'm right) yet again. This post was originally supposed to run on Saturday but heat exhaustion won out. To clarify, I am not at all allergic to the sun, and I am not at all partial to the night and bloody Marys, I'm just...not good with exposure. Also, if you got the pun in that sentence, write to me immediately, our wedding will be the stuff of legend.

Since, this is obviously what you loo like. adventuretime.wikia

Slowly making my way back to the point, after a particularly frustrating Friday morning, I saw it fit to get myself a little gift from this fabulous-looking place I've been eyeing for a bit. In the interest of becoming Supreme Overlord of the Free Worl-...erm...reading a Classic, I got myself this lovely little edition.

As you can see, I bought it new, which I rarely do. This is because, darlings, I have decided to officially start a personal library, as opposed to my current situation of "Stack of Books in the corner of my bedroom". So yay personal growth, no?

This is usually where I would plug an event that I intend to attend, but events of the day have given me new purpose. First, allow me to fan the flames on the Hair Wars issue. This article right here provides a list of successful female African authors who prefer their hair au natural. The implications of this? That I'm letting my unruly curls do their thing and I was looking for a way to tell the world.

Nobody shiv me with a curling iron, I love you all in equal measure. In Monday Like a Sir photography news, I have but one question: how much is your photography worth? Because there is at least one monkey whose work would sell for more than yours.

Yup, Mikki the Chimpanzee's pieces are to be sold at Sotheby's for a staggering $75,000 to $100,000. In case you don't have a calculator handy, allow me to save you the effort: between Kshs6.3 and Kshs.8.4 MILLION. Did I not warn you to have a seat? Mea culpa, I'm sure you're on the floor by now anyway. The pieces on question?

Yup. via salon.com

No, dear spambots and two readers, the blur is not an error on my part. If you clicked on the link you'll notice that all the pictures are similar. *sigh* I can't tell if this is one of those high art situations that I cannot comprehend or if we have just been expertly trolled. I'm just...I need a hug.

Or the next best thing. handycandy

Seriously, you guys, those are like CRACK. I literally go through 3-4 per day. Just, bury me in an eight foot deep pit filled with them and let me eat my way out. If I don't make it, at least I went out happy.

I'm trying very hard not to write blog post cheques my procrastination can't cash, so allow me to simply claim that there will be another post this week. The drafts folder of this blog overfloweth and I think I can find time to complete some of those....maybe. Do feel free to get your hopes all the way up: free chocolate if you're disappointed and can figure out where I'll be tomorrow at 03:00pm exactly.

'til next we meet, peace and love.

Mathematical! memebase

Buongiorno good peoples, and yes, according to me, it is still morning hours. If we're follow-friends on FaceTwit, you already know the image that's currently shining bright rays of rainbow sunshine down my throat this morning and probably forever:

via Buzzfeed

That right there is Sir Richard Branson looking more fabulous than I ever will in a skirt suit, honouring a bet with the head of AirAsia, because this is how true Sirs do Dares. Hats off. Speaking of Sirs, 'tis my obligation to bring The Little Art Gallery to your attention, specifically the "At A Glance" exhibit running to the end of this month.

via The Little Art Gallery

From the looks of it, there are a TON of incredible pieces, so I feel a wee bit guilty admitting that I'm mainly going to see the works of Gor Soudan. From the Gallery itself, the exhibit is described as:

The Kenya Cultural Centre is holding it’s 1st ever Contemporary Visual Arts exhibition dubbed ‘Art a Glance’ , it is a snippet of Contemporary Visual Arts in Nairobi. The exhibition is held in conjunction with The Little Art Gallery. It showcases artworks by 5 artists namely, Gor Soudan, Wycliffe Opondo aka Wiki, Anthony Mugo (all Kenyan), Ermias Ekube (Eritrea) and Adil Roufi (Morocco). The objective is to give the Kenya Cultural Centre’s audience a taste of what Contemporary Visual Arts diversity Nairobi has to offer – concept and style.

I want to say I'm going this Saturday, but chances are I'll end up going next weekend due to scheduling conflicts, namely the need to zombie-shuffle around the house in pajamas, but I WILL go, and hopefully, so will you. Support local artists, people!

And I worked really hard on it too.

Be nice: is it awesome, or is it SUPER awesome. In the interest of cleansing your palate with actual photography done by actual people who know about picture things, this article takes an uncharaceristically melancholy turn:

Full article available at environmentalgraffiti

I saw this post a while ago and....well, initially, I was depressed: it's terrifying to think of the circumstances facing other flesh and blood people exactly like yourself, and knowing one stroke of fate beyond your control could land you in situations you're ill equipped to handle. Just as strong was the...is "hope" or "inspiration" the proper term here? Seeing the resilience of the human spirit and how people in the worst of circumstances fight to make something better of the situation tends to put things in perspective. That right there is one of the images from one of the "homes" in the maze of Las Vegas underground storm drains. As in, where excess water goes when it rains.

As in one of these. Clusterflock

I won't write much about this because the author of the article, Karl Fabricius, has done an excellent job of it at Environmental Graffiti. What made me put the piece on my blog is how Mr Fabricius also captured the love and raw humanity of the residents, who as I said, seem to be doing their utmost best to be ok, circumstances notwithstanding. To the residents of this place, I salute you all, really, I do. If photographer Austin Hagrave managed to take these and not curl up in a weeping ball for the rest of the year, I salute him as well.

thepossibleworld

This is usually the part where a cute animal is included to make you smile before going on with your day, but guess what, if I have to be sad for the rest of the day, then so do you! For Monday Like A Sir with a side of "Never Leaving the House Again", 'tis I, the Depression Fairy, signing out. 

Schadenfreude? Me? Never. via anyainparis.tumblr

Pro tip: When someone who's on vacation tells you about this AMAZING new series that you must watch in its entirety on a Sunday night, just say no.

Damn you. darrenaissance

In the interest of finishing this up as fast as possible and sneaking a mid afternoon nap, I shall edit my innate need to be verbose and stray into unrelated tangents. Such as how adorable that kitten is and how my immediate instinct is to cuddle and not bite as suggested by this article. 

 Well? saucysocialmedia

Haterade aside, this was to be an avenue for me to share my photography finds of the week. I begin with this "Churches as Tanks" bit, which....I won't even pretend to get.

 kris-kuksi-church-tank

 Entitled "Churchtanks", the series is meant as a critique of religion in a way that I do not comprehend, and do not intend to think about, but you can check it out at that link. My focus for today will be more...pedestrian and...Philistine as far as artistic photography goes BUT it is fun. A beautiful photographer named Paolo Patrizi did a f.a.b.u.l.o.u.s piece chronicling the day to day life of a modern day sumo wrestler and...well, I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

via slate

I promised to keep this short, and I will. No further introduction is necessary other than that the wrestlers spend most of the day actually dressed like that, outside, in the sun, where people can see them, because they're braver than bloggers who would like to try it. Again, the series of pictures is at this Slate link, where you should be right immediately now.

Enjoy, my loves, and anyone interested in taking the Dress Like A Sumo Wrestler challenge, drop me an email.*

*Please don't. 

-Haji

Have an awesome week, like Sirs.

Because the Three Cat Quota is a blogger rule. perfectlypoly

Yes, dear imaginary reader, you read correctly. Edgar. Allan. Poe. Wrote. Resident. Evil. My proof:

Several centuries ago (it was centuries ago, right? I'm sure someone will correct me in the comment section....IF I HAD ONE. #MemePlug) Where was I?
Oh yes, many centuries ago lived the man widely revered as the Goth Messiah, founder of all things emo and tragic: E.A. Poe.
Now, being a budding hipster, it is my constitutional duty to be up to speed with classic literature that lends itself to name dropping and semi-smooth conversation plugging.
"Oh yeah, totally, that new Lady Gaga track totally reminds me of that one verse in "Annabel Lee".... Oh, it's just this tragic and timeless poem, you've probably never heard of it..."

socialeyezer

Esoterism (new word, shut up) demands, therefore, that I have read his collection of short stories in their entirety. Having done so, and having recently learnt of the new Resident Evil movie, and having just heard of the Ebola outbreak in neighbouring Uganda, your Friendly Neighbourhood Hipster had a fit of the Paranoids and began to devise survival strategies for when the virus inevitably crosses the border.
"Wear a hazmat suit over a hazmat suit inside one of those medical bubbles for kids with no immune system. Hazmatception. *pause to guffaw like a sir*. Come to think of it, a bunker might be a better idea. With sealed ventilation and water recycling and......."
My brilliant strategizing tapered off as my brain matter exploded onto my laptop: UNDERGROUND BUNKER.

Now, in the spirit of never getting to the point, I would like to take this opportunity to describe in painstaking detail the components of my lunch today, but I shall not. Instead I shall get to the gist of this rambling train of thought; walk with me:

 The Masque of The Red Death by E.A. Poe

Synopsis:

• Mysterious plague ravages the land
• The fabulously wealthy and nobility decide to build an underground bunker to stay safe from infection
• They do so
• Bunker plan epic success, elitists decide to throw self-congratulatory party (hitherto known as a "Masque" or masquerade ball)
• Dude that nobody knows shows up, in a mask as per the theme.
• Don't clearly remember the next part but I'm pretty sure everyone starts to panic, or something?
• Turns out the dude was the physical embodiment of the plague they were avoiding ie the Red Death ( Masque of the Red Death, geddit?)
• Plague murderizes all of everyone

Pretty simple, kind of straight forward, awesome story filled with awesome. Now, we take a look at Resident Evil, Hark!

Synopsis:

• Mysterious plague ravages the land
• Fabulously wealthy corporation (incidentally, who released the virus for...reasons?) build underground bunker to stay safe from epidemic
• Plan backfires fabulously when living embodiment of awesome Kung Fu skills in heels, who is also immune to and/or was infected with the virus (?) shows up
• Murderizes most of everyone

In conclusion: Edgar Allan Poe is a time travelling warlock who returned from the past to plagiarize his own work into a modernly relevant masterpiece. Or he is the reincarnation of the great prophet Nostradamus who comes to save the human race by warning of The Great Plague that shall bring society to its knees. Or he's a cross-dressing shape-shifter who reeeeeally wanted to wear a red dress and kill zombies in heels. Kinky, very far outside the mainstream...kinda Hipster actually....excuse me *goes to purchase Grimoire to attain time-travelling and shape-shifting Dark Magic powers*

The POINT, has been pointed ladies and gents, and the case for supernatural chicanery made. E.A Poe, godfather of the Darkness, indeed authored the modern literary film classic, Resident Evil. Or the writers read the short story. Either way.