Buenos noches, good people. And yes, that is most assuredly an incorrect spelling. Apologies for the absence all around: we'd give an excuse but we all know it's because your fave keyboard warrior is a vastly irresponsible slacker, so. Let's get to it!

1. Listening To

Speaking of problematic faves, Fist Brown (copyright - Micheal K) may be 7 different, exotic kinds of douchebag, but a dude can make music. Enjoy the track below as you contemplate our mutual hypocrisy.



2. Reading

One of those old books/movies/authors you hear about but have yet to experience personally, I haz decided to read Ray Bradbury and so far, no complaints. In serious lack of current/contemporary books to read at present: have the literary gods abandoned me? :O

pop-verse

Also, seriously considering getting a bunch of audiobooks for next month to jump start my reading again, should attention span and shameful phone battery life hold out. You know how you get a book and you just know you'll never finish it so you're left looking for any strategy possible to get through it? Next option is finding someone to actively read it to me and poke me with a pencil when I drift off. Audition dates & location to be announced.

3. Being Super Dramatic About

This flu because THIS IS ACTUALLY THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN HISTORY. Srsly, guise. 100% have not left the house all weekend in a bid to get back to fighting health. Research on curing the flu shows that the best way to get over it is to inject orange juice directly into my bloodstream for maximum Vitamin C, so I guess I have to buy oranges now? *shrugs*


For the first shawarma in a laughably long time, 'tis Evey G. Mwah, bishhhes.
So, you're five months into 2015 and yet to set foot inside a gym/eaten pizza right out of the box while walking past a gym. We get it: some resolutions are harder to keep than others, especially when you happen to be broke and/or lazy. Broke here meaning anything from "literally my wallet is just full of receipts" to "I actually have a tidy sum in my account, but it's earmarked for something else so technicallllly, I'm broke".
Worry not, fair citizens: when it comes to doing anything on a (practically non-existent) budget, you know who gotchu? Us. The answer is obviously "us".

Original Image: Pinterest

Aside from "low blood pressure", "proper heart function" and other fairy tales spun by 'Doctors', there are more immediate effects to being at least a little fit. Being less tired, for instance. You know what people who aren't completely fatigued for no reason every day can do? That's right: walk to the supermarket to buy more whiskey. Being less grumpy, better skin for reasons we have yet to understand, and other little things that count for a LOT. Basically, no one is asking you to be a bodybuilder- we just want you to be able to dance to a David Guetta song in it's entirety without needing a sit down break half way through.

Apps

Yup, your first stop is your phone. There are a lot of great, free options available for your mobile OS of choice, but my personal favourite is Sworkit.
This is available for Android, iPad and iPhone as a paid app or the Lite version for fuhree here.


You have four exercise types to choose from: within each, there are various postures or exercises conveniently bundled into 5 minute-long mini 'workouts'. All of these have instructional images & a voice coach walking you through your session.
Additionally, it doesn't require your email address or log in, unlike the following runners up which are also popular across the interwebs: Workout Trainer and Nike+ Training Club.

Play store

If you prefer a purely Yoga experience, Daily Yoga is hands down the best app out there. This comes as an original free app, within which there are plug ins that you download depending on your interest. Some plug ins are premium, but the majority are free and focused on specific routines/body parts.
The best part are the instructional videos (within the app) showing exactly what to do, along with detailed voice guidance, making it perfect for beginners. 
For those with such concerns, there is no spiritual, trance stuff involved: this is 100% about exercise.

YouTube

Yes, the den of iniquity and cat videos that is YouTube. In a testament to human laziness, typing "5 minute workout/stretch/yoga/cardio" or whatever other exercise you can think of will yield a world of results to suit your particular needs. It's... *sniffs* it's beautiful.

giffactory

If you're just starting out on the basics of not being a medical disaster, you might want to start slow: Fitness Blender has an excellent variety of work outs, exercise tips and stretches. Videos range from 6 minutes long to a full work out at 1 hour 20 minutes, which LOL.
If your interests lie more in overall wellness rather than breaking a sweat, Tara Stiles over at Livestrong Woman is a revelation for her 5 minute yoga series that are delightfully easy to follow.

Designing Your Routine

A few tips, furry friends:
-Remember, fit does not have to mean abs. feeling fit (by our standards which your doctor would probably not agree with) doesn't have to mean 05:00am jogging and two hour work outs after work. A basic 5 minutes a day counts for a lot and can be your thing; it can also be a base to expand to 10 minutes a day. Then 30 minutes. Then 2 hours. -Then 27 hours a day. And so on and so forth.

-As far as a work out plan, go by your needs. If you walk around a lot during the day, focus more on stretches, yoga, pilates, tai chi and so on: things are relatively easier on the body and help you recover from the physical activity. If you spend your day seated, maybe drift towards aerobics and get that heart rate up.


-VARY YOUR SCHEDULE. Keep your exercise experience fresh. Mondays are for yoga? Make Wednesday about strength training. Come Friday, put on Chris Brown's "Turn Up The Music" on and try to follow their choreography (this counts as aerobics and no one can tell us otherwise). Switching up your timetable can stave off boredom & help you stay committed to your fitness goals.

-Get all the help you need. You can put together an exercise playlist to keep you in the moment (or choose from the millions online). If you're having trouble getting started, motivational videos will not fail you. Motivation Grid does good work, as does Absolute Motivation. No shame in the game folks, you do what you gotta do.

Obviously, by starting off here, you'll be totally buff/ripped in 3 days flat; that's just how science works. In case you aren't, however, keep at it and think of the entire internet silently judging you for giving up on Day 2. For questionable advice and #CheapskateTips, this has been Evey G.