An actual post on an actual Friday: progress! Buenos noches, good people and welcome back after a month long disappearance. Let's get right into it because, dear fan, *strokes your face* we've already wasted enough time.

Reading

A book I can't recall if I learned about off Booktube or random Goodreads meandering: "The Illumination" by Kevin Brockemeier.


It's difficult to go too far into a description of this book, so suffice it to say: the basic concept of the book is exceptional. One bright random day, the world changes. People are now able to view pain as light radiating out of people- broken bones, cancer, emotional pain, all of it is now actually visible in its differing intensities. Your resident R2D2 impersonator is not yet far enough into the book to give a recommendation, but if that base principle of it interests you as it did me, go right ahead.

Will Never Be Over

You are, of course, well aware of my eternal stanship of iZombie. Season two just came to a close with a two part finale that ripped. my. soul. out. You guys. 


Can I just say, as an (occasional) writer, the finale was a work of art. Human drama, effortless introduction of a new villain, plot twists, and of course serious ACTION- I was floored. 
Let it be known that my future cats will all be named after characters on this show, starting with Clive because ermergerd. Just, ermergerd, you guys. WHY ARE YOU NOT WATCHING THIS SHOW.

Plagued By

Geddit? 'cause the app is called "Plague Inc"? I'm here all week. 

Screenshot

There is nothing that can be said about this app that won't land you on a government watch-list, so just download the thing & try it on for size. You'll hate it, and me for recommending it, but you won't be able to stop playing it. Available for Android, Windows Phone and iOS here.

Alright my beautiful Martian potatoes, here's to a weekend filled with antiseptic and hope for a better life. Until next time, extreme kisses!
This is the week that started with good intentions but quickly got derailed by real life. Due to many, many adult responsibilities, your resident Harley Quinn impersonator has been getting home at sketchy hours and completely unable to work on my projects and update Le Blog. Therefore, here we are with Shawarmy goodness on a Saturday. Enjoy!

Reading

All The Birds in the Sky by Charlie Jane Anders. Having started seeing hype about this book late last year, I was beyond excited to finally get my hands on it and plunge headlong into the world described in the blurb. This brings to mind "The Rook", which I started solely on the basis of the world building and premise then got really into, which was what I was hoping would happen here. So far, I'm 87 pages in and I cannot say I'm a fan. Of course I'll persevere because even "Raising Stony Mayhall" started out a bit slow, but I am unfortunately, unenthused. Let's see.

All the Birds in the Sky

Living For

A metric tonne of motivational videos. This is precisely the kind of thing you wouldn't expect to work but as it turns out, they are profoundly useful in getting you off your tushie and into gear. I mean, wow. I have a couple saved in my YouTube Watch offline, but here's one of my favourites to listen to on those difficult mornings. Watch here!

All Gifs

Not Appropriately Using

My Stop Breathe Think app. Mid last year, I was under a stunning amount of new pressure and went looking for a meditation app to help get my head back on straight because as we've established, my solution to everything is to get an app. Global warming? Get an app that tells people to stop being jerks to the environment. Can't find a parking space? Find an app that motivates you to walk to school or work. It's really that simple. 

duh obviously angry stupid scott pilgrim vs the world

Anyway, with the slow easing of that mental stress, I fell off using the app. I honestly miss the zen bubble that came with being a daily user, and recognize the need to have your ish together even when there isn't one specific stresser so the goal for the last two weeks of Feb is to get back in that groove. Le app is available here for Android, iOS and online use. Getchu sooome.

Stop, Breathe & Think- screenshot

Righto, for extra strength late wrap ups and hopes for a better tomorrow, this has been your host, Magento's oldest child. Until next time, love and light, my beetles. 
Ohayo, reader-sama! For those of you wondering who would be doing a summary of the month in the second week of the next month, you have clearly not been here before and should applaud me for getting this done before August. #Slay

Beyonce Formation GIF

January basically went by in a messy blur and while I can barely account for what I got up to, I can say this: I finally got a new laptop! It took about a month of figuring out specs. going to the sole official Toshiba dealership in Nairobi, and running around to different resellers basically every Saturday of the month. That said, I have now been dragged into the 21st century (kicking, screaming and refusing to sell my old laptop for parts). We rocking, y'all.

On Goals

My 2016 goals, as listed here, have been a mixed bag. For the most part, I just straight forgot that I was supposed to be doing a lot of that stuff because I am only legally an adult and you should not let me take care of your pets. There's this app I had towards the end of last year, The Fabulous, and one of the things they were always harping about was keeping your goals in sight so everything you do is geared towards/done with the intention of achieving stuff. So, here's to reminding myself of this stuff on a day to day, with the help of another app called Rewire. Next month, we get started on dealing with my addiction to apps. Speaking of which...

Nike+ Training Club

There is nothing I can say to convince you to go download an app that has specialized work outs to cater to your individual goals, so suffice it to say I'm pleasantly surprised and a fan. See more about ze app here. I'm all about this, you guys. I have used it more than once! Getchu some, and we shall walk through the gates of Physical Fitness Valhalla together, as CHAMPIONS.


There's actually a ton more things that need to be said, but alas, my bedtime approaches and I have had nary a fistful of bacon and caramel popcorn for supper; I must exeunt stage left. The point of this was to let y'all know that technical issues sorted out, we are back to regular programming starting with a book review for your favourite segment, Monday like a sir.


Until then, my cinnamon challenge aficionados. Stay grateful for the reduction in evil penguin attacks across Nairobi (THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE) and for Feb, prepare to get schwiftyyyyy.
It is 02:00am on Saturday morning, of the week I decided to be getting to bed by 10:00pm, so here we are. A general update/shameless rambling thingie will be up tomorrow...well, today, therefore let us get crackalacking.

Reading

Presently, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. You guyyyyys. The first quarter has been spectacular but as we approach the halfway mark, the book is kind of losing me a little. This is likely because of the zombie fugue of exhaustion yours truly has existed in this entire week, and I fully intend to stay with the book to the bitter end.


Also recent reads: "Yes, Please" by AMy Poehler and "Rosemary's Baby" by Ira Levin, which you would know if you followed me on Twitter, you butt. These both deserve a full review, and I am now obligated to watch "Rosemary's Baby" under maritime law. We're doing this.

Watching 

The trailer for this horrifying upcoming movie, "You Before Me", based on an equally horrifying book that I just discovered. Can I just say, you lot are horrifying masochists.



Listen, I can categorically state that I will never, in this particular lifetime, WATCH THIS MOVIE OR READ THIS BOOK. I'm going to need someone who will to explain the appeal to me. Seriously. If you read Khaleed Hosseini books as well, I would genuinely like to understand why you would volunteer to have your feelings jerked around like that. Email me.

Listening to 

Throwback playlists from 2012/2013/2014. What ever did happen to Gotye, you guys? It's crazy how music can take you back to an exact moment years ago when you first heard it, then you compare your life then to your life now and think...I'm not doing too terribly. Like, my parents can be a little less ashamed of me now. It's a good feeling, people.


With that, we bring this session of almost timely Friday wrap-ups. Here's to finally getting to bed almost four hours later than intended. Sending you all love and light, my bananas. Until next time!
Sooooo, first regular post of 2016, habibis! Let's get right into it.

excitement

Sidebar: Listening to the Billboard Top 100 of 2nd January which is about 90% Justin Beiber and I'm mad about how much I like his new album. Anyway, I'm just now realizing I have yet to listen to Adele's "Hello" from beginning to end. Since last year, you guys. How is this possible. End sidebar.

Reading

All the things, as usual, but especially V.E. Schwab's "Vicious". Someone recommended this to me mid last year, though the synopsis put me off at the time. Like most of my life choices, the decision to finally pick this up was completely based on online hype. Booktube can pretty much talk you into anything, you guys. Be careful out there. Be safe.

safety gif
We care. romper

The book is going by pretty quickly and while I'm unlikely to do a proper review, this shall not be the last you hear of it. *thunder* *lightening bolts rip through your roof*

"Vicious" by V.E. Schwab

Also, met the 2015 Goodreads challenge, so 2016, here we go. To do a summary? Possibly. Stay tuned. 

Watching

The answer to this is also "Everything". Series are slowly coming back from December break, during which we were all starved of Matt Bomer's cheekbones (for dayzzz) and of course, STEVEN UNIVERSE.

steven universe gif

This show. You guys. There are no words that can do Steven Universe, but that has never stopped me before, so await a post! Honourable mention: "Fresh Off The Boat" which was binged on over the holidays since there was nothing else to watch. Get on ittttt.

Excited About

Shiny new hardware! As has been mentioned severally here and on the Twitters, my trusty laptop is crazy old. My Twitter also functions as a drafts folder for all the inspirational and heartwarming things I intend to share along the way.
I wisely decided to take my laptop with me on vacation in one of the coldest places in the country where it promptly decided not to even turn on. You guys. Back in the warmer climes of home, it starts up after a few false...starts but even a die-hard packrat  like me can accept that is time.

Therefore, ladies, gents, and ninja turtles, tomorrow I scour the shops for another Toshiba to be ride or die for until 2026. Fingers crossed for a new machine tomorrow (!!) but at the absolute worst, by end month.

Alrighty then, for rambling long stories that began as summaries, this has been Evey G. Live your best lives, monkeys. 'til next time.
Bon apres midi, y'all. It is 5 days past New Years and while you were all running around improving your lives and what not with resolutions, I was doing absolutely nothing of the sort until about 5 minutes ago.

What follows is therefore not a set of resolutions, but goals which I will achieve without necessarily setting a timeline to them. #Flawless
(NB: If this is the definition of a resolution, send me a notarized letter stating this so I can take this post down & come to your house to show you personally. Thank you.)

Resolutions

These are being listed here specifically to keep myself accountable for actually completing them. 'cause nobody ever lies on the internet. Let's get to it, then, shall we?

1. Actually finish my HTML5/CSS courses

My intermittent attempts to learn coding have generally been subject to inspiration from hacker movies and wandering on to the Skillcrush blog page, which is amazing. Scheduling my Codecademy modules has so far not been super successful either, but, BUT this year, I'm going to do one hour a week. This way, I'll be done by the time I'm 70 and I can ask our Lizard Overlords for permission to go online and update this post to read "Done".


2. Pick up on my contributing authoring

This one can actually be summed up as "Stop being a trash person".

3. Do a creative writing thingie

I'm not 100% clear on how to achieve this but basically, post my random writing online, platform to be decided. Maybe Wattpad?
Presently, all my writing stuff is concentrated on Jotterpad, the phone app. Fun fact- this is where I wrote my alternate ending/shameless fanfiction of Z. Rider's "Suckers".
What has two thumbs, a questionable sleep schedule and has had an incredible author read their fanfiction?

Liz Lemon This Moi
This moi! williesun

Have I talked about how super nice Z.Rider is on Twitter and email already? (Yes I have). In case I haven't (Yes, I have), allow me to do so now. Go follow her here and read her amazing books. Thaaaank youuu.

4. Actually wear my retainers

I'm writing this on the off chance that my orthodontist does really specific google searches for niche nonsense blogs. Hi, Doc!

5. Pick up on my graphic design stuff

I love how that sounded like I actually have a graphic design background or signed up for a class. None of that is true, FOR NOW.
A person with such a startlingly short attention span needs multiple creative outlets, you guys.
We can do this. We can crush it.


6. Stop neglecting my Coursera account

This is a twofer, filed under "Being a trash person" and "needing to keep my flighty mind occupied".
I find when I have nothing to stress about/challenge me, my mind goes to terrifying directions and I tend to fixate on things that push me back a few steps in my quest to become the ultimate tentacled hipster monster. Unfortunate. I intend, therefore, to direct my obsessive focus on more positive things this year.

Nicole Richie Positive Person gif
Indeed. giphy

7. Stay Inspired

Read, watch, listen to or otherwise telepathically beam great things directly into my brain. You know the books you read that leave you awed and kind of upset that you weren't the one to write them?
Those do a great job of getting me all fired up to write for at least a good week afterwards. Memoirs like Felicia Day's or Sophia Amoruso's, books geared towards giving you a deeper understanding of the world and yourself (hi, Johann Hari and Marshall Goldsmith), I'm about them all. Allllll.
Same goes for your basic motivational videos on YouTube, incredible TED talks like this one by Dame Stephanie Shirley and of course, booktubers out here killing it.
Basically, my goal is to do something once a week to keep my batteries charge and never succumb to boredom or apathy. *national anthem plays in the background*

Alright then. This was the last such random post that had nothing to do with nothing. Regularly scheduled programming shall resume on Friday with *excited gasp* a Weekly Shawarma!
For the opposite of resolutions and actually getting things done like a grown-ass, grown ass person, 'tis I, Lunar Queen Evey. Mwah!
The title, much like the concept of rational thought, has nothing to do with this post. Buenos noches, my spambots and Eastern European otakus, you have all been missed.

#Goals

The first post of 2016 is pretty much a "Hello from the other side" kind of thing (#BadumTss #TimelyReference) without much meat or substance. I am simply here to share the fact that we are back, promise posts you will never actually see and start a support group for those of us eagerly waiting on the next season of Tokyo Ghoul.


You guys. We need hugs.
For nonsense, taller nonsense and nonsense in Russian, 'tis I, Evey G. Happy 2016!


*waves enthusiastically* Hi guys. I think we're at that point in our relationship where we can just get into things without discussing them before hand, which is also the best way to run your used toothbrush shop. Let's get to it, shall we?

1. Reading

All the things. My e-reader is an actual disaster zone soon to be liberated by Katniss after she gets her break up haircut game together. Yup. Peeta is eaten by a flock of wild geese before they can get married. Spoiler alert.
I just finished Daryl Gregory's "Pandemonium", while being at varying stages of working my way through Murakami's "Hard-boiled Wonderland & the End of the World", "The Reapers Are Angels" by Alden Bell, and "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" by Philip K. Dick.
Also dabbling in "Cats Cradle" and "Slaughter House Five" by Kurt Vonnegut (finished his "2BR02B" and it was amaze) and of course, "The Great Gatsby" by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
You would not be wrong in accusing me of having the attention span of your average meth-addicted squirrel. I'm seeing a professional, okay? Just...just give me time, we can work through this..together.

Me, right now. My jaw froze that way. Nathan Biberdorf / Wordpress

2. Watching

Star vs The Forces of Evil! This show, you guys!! With a protagonist named "Star Butterfly", you come in not expecting much, which is about when your legs are swept out from under you. With a powerful, self sufficient, unapologetically bad ass and girly female lead, and an ethnically diverse supporting cast, funny blends well with emotional and also complete fanciful inter-dimensional nonsense. Did I mention this is a cartoon? Animation on fleek, people. Get to watching.


3. Feeling

The ice cold grip of my old friend, insomnia. Oh well, more time to watch "Daily Lives of High School Boys", write Supernatural fanfic featuring Dr. House and proclaim my undying love for Soren Bowie across all social media channels available. Y'know, healthy, normal adult stuff.
'til we meet again, my doves. Xo Xo, Gossi-...wait, no. 

Everyone likes book reviews. They're a quick and easy way to tell if you should read a book you're on the fence about, and sometimes they have instructions on opening portals to alternate dimensions where you always look best in group photos. There are those among us that are talented at condensing key plot points or stylistic devices, in a way that immerses you into the world of the book, while leaving enough suspense to make you want to go read it yourself. We call them "Excellent Reviewers" or "People That Need to Stop Being Amazing". Then there's the other camp that lays out every plot twist in the most flat and unappetizing way possible. These are the worst and we will not speak of them for they desecrate the work of the mortal gods that write.

Individual Credits Below.

In spite of my own personal deficiencies in review prowess, and knowing how difficult it is to introduce a reader to a book you love, there are those that are just too good to let go of without shouting from the rooftops, hence the review attempts scattered all over here.
There are, however, books that this reporter has loved, but recognizes that no amount of masterful summarizing can ever do justice. *"Guardians of the Galaxy" theme song plays* The following are those books:

 1. "The Girl With All The Gifts" by M.R. Carey

This book is beyond incredible. Post-apocalyptic worlds and a plot that slowly sucks you in...before jumping out from behind a corner and smacking you across the face with a crowbar. It's a journey, this: a beautifully written journey that will very much creep you out. There is no way to review this while preserving the suspense, so I'll let Goodreads do the introduction, here.

2. "The Hitchiker's Guide to The Galaxy" by Douglas Adams

This is a Monty Python sketch you can read. Impossibly funny, chock full of twists and shamelessly English, the only plausible summary of this book is "What...the fuck. What the fuck?" followed by uproarious laughter. Stop reviewing this book (and others in the series, probably), but definitely keep quoting it. #DontPanic Find a proper description here.


3. "Suckers" by Z. Rider

Yup, this is on a list of books no review could ever do right by about 3 seconds after a review by yours truly went up; hypocrisy is real and also let me live. Thing is, though, there are two other versions of this review lurking somewhere in my drafts folders. It was that hard putting into words exactly what I enjoyed about this book, because there was SO much, a lot of which I still don't understand how to explain to date. A review had to be done, however, because as we agreed above, some books are too good to not talk about. So here we are. A proper description is here.


4. "A Scanner Darkly" by Philip K. Dick

Speculative fiction, I'm alright with, but out and out science fiction often goes completely over my head. That's why this book caught me so completely by surprise. Truth be told, there were large swathes of it that I straight up skipped- like the parts in German, what was that about? The works of Philip K. Dick generally leave me feeling like I just ate tinsel during a rave, but this. THIS. You guys. Just... 
Description here. 


5. "The Ocean At The End of The Lane" by Neil Gaiman

Have I mentioned that Neil Gaiman is a genius? If I haven't allow me to do so now. This book had made its debut on one of our shawarmy adventures here and its shine is yet to wear off. An official synopsis can be found here, but the story starts...with....

*remembers plot*
*bursts into fresh tears*
*is unable to complete entry*
*skips ahead to the next point*


6. "The Rook" by Daniel O'Malley (The Checquy Files #1)

By far the best thing about this book is the flawless world building. I stand before you a sworn avoider of book series (that are not Animorphs or Goosebumps) that actively wants to read the rest of the books that come after this one. O'Malley knows how to set a stage like no one else.
Find a summary of the book here, but go into it knowing the Mary Sue is strong in this one, the protagonist is not super likeable and some of the dialogue is...lol. You should still read it, though, because there is a character named Gestalt who is everything. 

Goodreads

Right, there you have it. For reviews that aren't reviews and a possible plea for a revolution to make book summaries consist solely of "YOU SHOULD READ THIS" with an appropriate number of exclamation marks, this has been Evey G. Namaste, beloveds.



Insert frantic waving here. Hello dudes, dudettes and the possibly empty room I'm presently yelling into. Welcome one and all to another in a long line of misleadingly titled WEEKLY SHAWARMA! Since I'm a safe distance away from you, dear reader, you'll simply have to imagine the shower of balloons and indoor fireworks that went with that capslock abuse. Let's get to it.

1. Watching

All the YouTube. All of it. You know the scene in "Her" when Scarlett Joperatingsystem finally leaves to go become part of the internet? That's me, now. I know everything. I also was probably drinking while watching that movie.

There are too many perf channels with so much incredible content (Dr. Horrible shout out!), but your host for the evening is reaaaally getting into OnlyLeigh right now. Behold.



Hashtag flawliss. Go check it out. Literally right now. Your neighbour won't mind.

2. Reading

Holly Madison's memoir, "Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny". Ye can find the synopsis here.


If this seems like a random choice...it was. I'll admit I never really gave Holly much thought, never watched either of her shows when they were on telly, etc, but the book was pleasant. Creepy as hell (there are things we never needed to know about the Playboy mansion), but pleasant. 
Some parts did seem to play up Holly as an IRL Mary Sue, but overall, you kind of see where she was coming from. I dunno, the book was ok.

3. Really Getting Into

Hershey's milk chocolate with almonds bar. Went to Tuskys to get my usual Toblerone white, or failing that, a Milky Bar but they were out of BOTH. The inhumanity. Also, I lied, I was definitely going to buy both types of chocolate.


Anywayyy, disappointed and convinced that happiness was just a cruel illusion, Evey G. decided to get a Hershey's bar instead. Real talk, each time I've bought one, I've intended to take a pic...but completely zoned out and ate them in a trance state before I could. Why yes, I do have a problem, thanks for noticing.

I'm going to go over here and continue being an adult now, please see yourselves out. Until next time, Kisses!



Photo credits below.
Dracula - Horror News

Aloha good people, and what it do. Yours truly decided to undo her long suffering box braids this weekend all by her lonesome: an all night long endeavour that calls for an arsenal of snackables (banana crisps ftw!), a pillow fort and of course, entertainment.
Now, if you're thinking "How better to stay awake all night than in the throes of complete terror, jumping at every random sound", you sir/ma'am/sentient potato, have the right idea. Armed with this train of thought, this reporter proceeded to gather unto herself the following iconic films and got down to it.

1. Dracula (1931)

Vamped

Obvious hipster pick. Some of the scenes intended to be scary-  like Dracula's slow motion exit from his coffin, or shots of the lair, featuring a random possum- are admittedly hilarious from the 2015 perspective, but I am still a fan.

"Bela Lugosi changed the vampire movie genre by single-handedly bringing suave sophistication back to what Nosferatu and ancient lore made a disgusting monster."
-My Sanctimonious Opinion (2015)

The film still has a high, if unintentional creep factor, though: this drags it into the right side of horror movie history in that disjointed Old Hollywood way.
Rating: 4.73 stars out of 5
Bonus: Viewing party for "Nosferatu"? Guys, we can do this.

2. The Voices (2014)

impawards

Where to start. The film is about a kindly factory worker (played by Ryan Reynolds who COMPLETELY knocks it out of the park on this one) who we come to find out is very mentally unwell and what comes of this. The film is actually laugh out loud funny in some parts, which given the subject matter, is straight up heroic on the writer's part.

This movie is incredible for a couple of reasons. First, as a lifelong fan of Criminal Minds, you come to (rightly) view serial killers as vile monsters, driven by forces we can't properly understand. With The Voices we get a behind-the-scenes view of what exactly goes on in the minds of these people responsible for some of the strangest, most disgusting crimes in history. It's not often you're sympathetic of and almost cheering for the serial murderer but this movie takes you there.

There's a scene in which the psychiatrist explains to Jerry that much as he hears voices in his head, so do we. The voice telling you you can't succeed, the voice calling you fat, the voice calling you unworthy of love. We all hear the whispers, maybe not telling us to murder our friends, but they're there all the same: and the best we can do is argue back and prove them wrong.

It's pretty amazing the balance they manage to strike between telling an overall gruesome story, without being dark and depressing. In the back of your mind, you know we're seeing through Jerry's eyes and things are not as they seem- but you WANT to stay in that rosy perspective, not deal with reality. Exactly like Jerry does. Yup. You just found the killer relatable.

A lot of this is because of Ryan Reynolds. This incredibly funny and unreasonably hot actor transforming into a sad, likeable if slightly pathetic protagonist (antagonist?) is a feat that should not be possible. Reynolds is heartbreaking, which could have made for a downer of a film, but his sunny perspective keeps everything upbeat and optimistic.

Rating: 72 stars out of 5
As a cat lady, I do kinda object to Mr. Whiskers being the voice of all the murder urges. Hearing "ridiculous peasant" in a gruff Irish accent, though? Priceless.

3. The Perfect Guy (2015)

impawards

Ok, so this isn't out yet, but, I did watch the trailer (HERE) and I am already among the top 5 stans globally.
The plot seems pretty formulaic for this genre of movies.
Michael Ealy and Michael Ealy's blue eyes start out as the too good to be true rebound guy for the woman that just broke up with Insensitive Morris Chestnut, but things quickly take a left turn and keep going into oblivion.
As someone who loved and was terrorized by Hillary Swank and Jeffrey Dean Morgan's The Resident, movies like this are always a little bit more scary because it's not some supernatural evil: this happens in real life. So, fantastic first date movie.

Rating: Predicted 4.21743 out of 5 stars
Almost enough to get me to the theatre to watch it. Almost.

4. The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

subscene

Joss Whedon. Enough said. But I'll keep talking. The premise is amazing: an old Hollywood mainstay adapted to reflect the modern reality. Dialogue naturally on point, Chris Hemsworth, gratuitous boobies and a tweeeest ending all wrapped in jump scares galore.
This starts out as a generic horror movie but spins into a meta, psychological thriller mindf*ck INSIDE the horror movie and it's beautiful. Get. On. It.

Rating: WhedonCannotBeQuestioned out of 5 stars
Seriously. He's like Beyonce. Don't do it.

5. The Thing (2011)

A Very Strange Place

Alright, so this wasn't necessarily watched during the great Hair All Nighter of 2015, but it was wisely watched at 03:00am on a different insomniac night, so it still counts.
Remakes generally get a lot of flack for blaspheming the source material, but your resident 90s kid has yet to watch the original so *Kanye shrug*.
Plus, given the choice, in most cases I'll go for the remake since they probably have the budget and CGI to take the original concepts to the next level, sooo *second Kanye shrug*
The horror of this movie was not in the alien killer monster thingie, it was in the "anyone you know and trust could be an imposter alien monster thing". This and other body snatcher movies are literally the worst type of horror because it plays on and amplifies your base fear of being completely alone, able to trust only yourself.
Like any storm cloud, however, this has a silver lining: rampant flame-thrower murder! So maybe not so bad?

Rating: 4.3 out of 5 stars
Ramona Flowers is doing great since the break up.


Right, for nocturnal activities of a questionable nature and keeping the lights on all night, this has been Evey G. Sleep tight, folks.
Here we are folks: a review of "Suckers" by the incredible, possible secret goth deity from outer space, Z. Rider (on Twitter here!). This review had initially been put up TWICE but had to be pulled due to technical difficulties so no, you weren't hallucinating that.


Your friendly neighbourhood Sana Solo impersonator has since had time to sit with her thoughts and redo this review to properly honour the book. Let's get into it, yeah? NO SPOILERS.

"Suckers" starts with a musician in a semi-successful band, Dan Ferry, walking back to his hotel with a bandmate and cutting through an alley, which is where everything immediately goes to hell. To quote Goodreads:

Now terrified of what will happen if he doesn't get his fix--and terrified of what he'll do to get it-- he turns to his best friend and bandmate (from the alley!), Ray Ford for help.
But what the two don't know as they try to keep Dan's situation quiet is that the parasite driving Dan's addiction to human blood has the potential to wipe put mankind.

I know, right? Seriously, you guys. *froths at the mouth* Here's everything you need to know about this book:

What You Will LOVE

1. The Concept. This is a fresh take and great new perspective on a genre that is very easy to get wrong. The author manages to take a great story and wrap it around an excellent idea in a way that's enjoyable to read and try to figure out. Speaking of which...

2. The Tweeests. There is no spoiler-free way to comment on this, but suffice it to say, WOW. That, ladies and gents is how you turn a surprise corner without spinning into "unnecessary and also please don't".

3. The Characters. On some level, it feels like these are actually people the author knows in real life. This raises the unfortunate possibility that Rider is actually from the near future where this may be the fate that awaits the human race. O____o
The characters are very human: deeply flawed, kind of awful people, but with important (very few) redeeming graces, just like you and me! Mostly you.

4. Good Scary. The most enjoyable part of this book will be the relatable horror. The way the story is written is deeply immersive: you feel like you could wake up tomorrow and this could be your reality, on either side of the coin. A horror movie with some fantastical beast is a good time, but it's the movies that seem like REAL things that could happen to you that's the most unnerving and insidious. Hats off. Which brings us to...

5. The Realism. Characters grounded in actual human behaviour, no Mary Sue's, no dramatic government rescues: "Suckers" does a lot to show what real, average humans would do in the face of the literal nightmare that their world suddenly becomes. Everything plays out exactly how you would theoretically expect it to in present day Earth. Again, WOW.

What You Won't Like

Obviously, you will grow to stan incredibly hard for this book once you're done. Your one possible complaint might be that the book is a bit slow to start. You'll understand that the author needs to make us live the experience and appreciate it later in the book, and of course the pacing gets much better the deeper you go in, but yeah, the start might bother you a little.

Rating
An obvious 25 out of 10 stars. Read it, you must.

For Monday Like a Sir, this has been Evey G. Mwah, my minions.

IF YOU HAVE READ IT (SPOILERS)

Ok, can we just take a moment to talk about that ending? Where they went with Ray's story had me so bothered, I literally wrote a fanfic alternate ending in which Ray survived. LITERALLY. Maybe he was saved by a new character who is also a blogger that likes anime and looked a lot like yours truly, the world will never know. Months and months later, I'm still horrified, but excited to read the sequel with the terror worm things that are the next wave after this initial one.
Also, real talk? If that was my life, I'd live as best I could until I got infected, then attack a military installation in a blood lust rage so they'd kill me since I'd be too chicken to do it my self, ok?
In summary, Z. Rider (who is actually incredibly nice and funny on email & Twitter) had this all the way right and we are now eternal fans. Spread the gospel!


Buenos freezing coldos, mis amigos! With the change in the weather comes a shift in the cosmic tides that must align for a dose of Weekly Shawarma- leggo!

1. Reading
All the things. Seriously. Early last month I got into an incredible book called "The Girl With All The Gifts", which I cannot wait to talk about up in hurr. The problem with books that get you emotionally invested is the aftermath: when you're entirely too drained to start another book properly so you kind of taper off on the Goodreads Challenge? Yeah.
To counter this, I started on a bunch of shorter novellas, and where better to head to than long beloved classics. From "Breakfast at Tiffany's" to "The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy" (the first book) I haz read alla the things.
Currently, I'm wrapping up on Neil Gaiman's "The Ocean At The End of The Lane" and you guys? You guys. WOW. I just..I need a moment. *weeping heard off stage*


2. Watching
Someone recommended a series called "Scorpion" to me, about this genius hacker and his genius team of geniuses who genius harder than all the other geniuses. ...Geniuii? Whatever. Point is, it is the WORST and I'm loading episode 5 as we speak.
Honurable mention- Cutting It: In The ATL.


3. Living For
Summaries! There are actually so many of the things y'all need to be enjoying, I believe a "Best of" post is in order. The main advantage of being an indoors cat who will viciously slice your face open if you try to drag me into the sun is all the really excellent stuff you discover as far as TV and books are concerned. Yiss. Stay tuned.
For shamelessly delayed posts and absolutely blowing your mind with amazing recommendations, this has been Evey G.

Buenos noches, good people. And yes, that is most assuredly an incorrect spelling. Apologies for the absence all around: we'd give an excuse but we all know it's because your fave keyboard warrior is a vastly irresponsible slacker, so. Let's get to it!

1. Listening To

Speaking of problematic faves, Fist Brown (copyright - Micheal K) may be 7 different, exotic kinds of douchebag, but a dude can make music. Enjoy the track below as you contemplate our mutual hypocrisy.



2. Reading

One of those old books/movies/authors you hear about but have yet to experience personally, I haz decided to read Ray Bradbury and so far, no complaints. In serious lack of current/contemporary books to read at present: have the literary gods abandoned me? :O

pop-verse

Also, seriously considering getting a bunch of audiobooks for next month to jump start my reading again, should attention span and shameful phone battery life hold out. You know how you get a book and you just know you'll never finish it so you're left looking for any strategy possible to get through it? Next option is finding someone to actively read it to me and poke me with a pencil when I drift off. Audition dates & location to be announced.

3. Being Super Dramatic About

This flu because THIS IS ACTUALLY THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN HISTORY. Srsly, guise. 100% have not left the house all weekend in a bid to get back to fighting health. Research on curing the flu shows that the best way to get over it is to inject orange juice directly into my bloodstream for maximum Vitamin C, so I guess I have to buy oranges now? *shrugs*


For the first shawarma in a laughably long time, 'tis Evey G. Mwah, bishhhes.
So, you're five months into 2015 and yet to set foot inside a gym/eaten pizza right out of the box while walking past a gym. We get it: some resolutions are harder to keep than others, especially when you happen to be broke and/or lazy. Broke here meaning anything from "literally my wallet is just full of receipts" to "I actually have a tidy sum in my account, but it's earmarked for something else so technicallllly, I'm broke".
Worry not, fair citizens: when it comes to doing anything on a (practically non-existent) budget, you know who gotchu? Us. The answer is obviously "us".

Original Image: Pinterest

Aside from "low blood pressure", "proper heart function" and other fairy tales spun by 'Doctors', there are more immediate effects to being at least a little fit. Being less tired, for instance. You know what people who aren't completely fatigued for no reason every day can do? That's right: walk to the supermarket to buy more whiskey. Being less grumpy, better skin for reasons we have yet to understand, and other little things that count for a LOT. Basically, no one is asking you to be a bodybuilder- we just want you to be able to dance to a David Guetta song in it's entirety without needing a sit down break half way through.

Apps

Yup, your first stop is your phone. There are a lot of great, free options available for your mobile OS of choice, but my personal favourite is Sworkit.
This is available for Android, iPad and iPhone as a paid app or the Lite version for fuhree here.


You have four exercise types to choose from: within each, there are various postures or exercises conveniently bundled into 5 minute-long mini 'workouts'. All of these have instructional images & a voice coach walking you through your session.
Additionally, it doesn't require your email address or log in, unlike the following runners up which are also popular across the interwebs: Workout Trainer and Nike+ Training Club.

Play store

If you prefer a purely Yoga experience, Daily Yoga is hands down the best app out there. This comes as an original free app, within which there are plug ins that you download depending on your interest. Some plug ins are premium, but the majority are free and focused on specific routines/body parts.
The best part are the instructional videos (within the app) showing exactly what to do, along with detailed voice guidance, making it perfect for beginners. 
For those with such concerns, there is no spiritual, trance stuff involved: this is 100% about exercise.

YouTube

Yes, the den of iniquity and cat videos that is YouTube. In a testament to human laziness, typing "5 minute workout/stretch/yoga/cardio" or whatever other exercise you can think of will yield a world of results to suit your particular needs. It's... *sniffs* it's beautiful.

giffactory

If you're just starting out on the basics of not being a medical disaster, you might want to start slow: Fitness Blender has an excellent variety of work outs, exercise tips and stretches. Videos range from 6 minutes long to a full work out at 1 hour 20 minutes, which LOL.
If your interests lie more in overall wellness rather than breaking a sweat, Tara Stiles over at Livestrong Woman is a revelation for her 5 minute yoga series that are delightfully easy to follow.

Designing Your Routine

A few tips, furry friends:
-Remember, fit does not have to mean abs. feeling fit (by our standards which your doctor would probably not agree with) doesn't have to mean 05:00am jogging and two hour work outs after work. A basic 5 minutes a day counts for a lot and can be your thing; it can also be a base to expand to 10 minutes a day. Then 30 minutes. Then 2 hours. -Then 27 hours a day. And so on and so forth.

-As far as a work out plan, go by your needs. If you walk around a lot during the day, focus more on stretches, yoga, pilates, tai chi and so on: things are relatively easier on the body and help you recover from the physical activity. If you spend your day seated, maybe drift towards aerobics and get that heart rate up.


-VARY YOUR SCHEDULE. Keep your exercise experience fresh. Mondays are for yoga? Make Wednesday about strength training. Come Friday, put on Chris Brown's "Turn Up The Music" on and try to follow their choreography (this counts as aerobics and no one can tell us otherwise). Switching up your timetable can stave off boredom & help you stay committed to your fitness goals.

-Get all the help you need. You can put together an exercise playlist to keep you in the moment (or choose from the millions online). If you're having trouble getting started, motivational videos will not fail you. Motivation Grid does good work, as does Absolute Motivation. No shame in the game folks, you do what you gotta do.

Obviously, by starting off here, you'll be totally buff/ripped in 3 days flat; that's just how science works. In case you aren't, however, keep at it and think of the entire internet silently judging you for giving up on Day 2. For questionable advice and #CheapskateTips, this has been Evey G.