Since I'm typing this first sentence at 6 minutes to midnight, it technically counts as a Friday post and there's nothing you can do about it.
So. This week. Let's get to it, no?

1. Watching
Empire. You guys. Guys. LOL. From the way the show has been hyped on/by Twitter , Buzzfeed, the chimera that lives under your bed, and the entire internet at large, it was only a matter of time before your friendly neighbourhood Lazy Bishhh High Priestess was sucked in. Also, gifs. Sooo many gifs.

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Having watched the first episode, my summary would read thusly:
"hahahahahahahahha *gasps* ahahahahahaha *is carted away by men in white coats*".

Basically, if La Usurpadora had a baby with Love and Hip Hop: ATL, this would be it and I can't say I hate it. It's ratings gold so far, so opinion withheld pending binge viewing of all episodes involved. 

2. Reading

Absolutely nothing. Yo. After the mental and eventually emotional drain "The Forever Watch" pulled on my faculties? Mama needs a breather. The book itself is not bad, but there are some things Ramirez attempts that...well. Suffice it to say I've spent the last few days in the hospital for injuries related to violently rolling my eyes.
There's only so much WTF you can pack into one month. Consider yourself also granted a reading sabbatical until Sunday, March 1st, because all must obey The Queen.

...the Queen is me, there. I was referring to myself.

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3. Listening To

Ne-yo. Bruh finally went and decided to drop his next album a literal month ago and I was none the wiser. I know, I am literally the worst long distance girlfriend, but I'm still here for you boo! As I'm still working my way through the tracklist, I cannot as yet proclaim that this is all you need to listen to if you want to achieve immortality (even though it's probably true). I can, however, recommend "Congratulations" which is centered on a theme Ne yo is worryingly into. Alas, i couldn't find it on SoundCloud so the YouTube audio/cover art is below. I think each track has a different woman as the art? To be investigated.

It is decently past midnight and I have "Stalker" open in the next tab, let's get right to it.

1. Reading

"The Forever Watch" by David Ramirez. This book. After acres of blackmailing, wheedling and cat kidnapping, I finally got my hands on this book and started it with stars in my eyes. About 200 pages in and.... Well. Maybe, much like pretty much everything Kanye has done lately, I am simply not sophissicaided enough to grasp it. Idk, guys, idk. Further verdict to be passed upon completion.

The Book Plank

2. Attempting

To tweeze my own eyebrows. The guy that usually does them (Hi, Wesh) is excellent at it, but he's also perfectionist and I happen to be feeling the "woolly caterpillar" look at the moment.

Armed with every YouTube tutorial I could find, what could go wrong?

Hey  boo, hey.

3. Watching

The Amazing World of Gumball, season 3. Because every children's cartoon deserves a scene where the cat protagonist wants to sell his nipples (to afford movie tickets) and his goldfish bestfriend asks him why he would want to give up the ability to make cheese. 

Because that's exactly how mammals work. gifsoup

If you don't already, you seriously, SERIOUSLY need to start watching this show. Now, my paused episode of "Stalker" awaits, I must leave you. Hugs, kisses and great weekend wishes, folks. 

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Original Image: Goodreads

No day in my life has ever been as blessed as the one in which I received Daryl Gregory's "Afterparty". None. You guys, not even the birth of my son (sorry Aximili AgeofUltron Winchester).

Totally real children who are real aside, let's get to it, shall we? ***no spoilers***

Synopsis

Now. I have to advise that you skip reading this and just get straight to the book. It's an infinitely more enjoyable experience if you go in blind and try to figure out what's happening as you proceed, which is what I did. 

As such, and because dictatorship is the best, the synopsis is now at the end of the review. L'chaim!

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WHAT YOU'LL LIKE

The Premise: For obvious, spoiler reasons, this cannot be properly expounded on, but, BUT suffice it to say, you will be impressed. Whatever Gregory is on, we want some. In ointment form, because sometimes we have trouble swallowing pills. 

The Setting: The book is set in the near future, which is usually kind of hard to pull off. Gregory crafts an "anything is possible" future which is very much grounded in today's reality; a good balance between so far into the future that we can't relate and too close to today to capture the imagination. The gadgets do the most here by really seeming like something we'll see in the next five or ten years - accessible, but still SCIENCY.

The Realism. Yes, realism. The book does nothing to sugar coat consequences for actions or gloss over/glorify things that are realities, BUT without being grim. The protagonist actually goes to prison for her crimes, you guys. The drug-induced mental issues that seem kinda cool to have and easy to glorify are also looked at through the lens of those affected around the sufferer, keeping it in perspective. Again, none of this feels heavy handed or depressing, just, real.

The Flawed Characters: Again, it is shamefully easy to veer off into "my flaws make me a cool renegade, aspire to me" territory, but man, does Gregory keep it together. The characters' flaws are well expressed as integral parts of them, organically growing out of their (excellent. seriously, excellent) backstories and not being neatly tied up in a Suddenly Healthy bow at the end. Relatable, real, and about to drag you on the adventure you'll be pretending was your life story on dates for years to come.

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WHAT YOU WON'T LIKE

Mini buffalo herd. You'll know it when you see it. 

Once you're through with this one, if you want a follow up Daryl Gregory book (and you will) I recommend "We Are All Completely Fine" to ease your withdrawals.

For Monday Like A Sir, this has been Evey G. Fair thee well. 

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The Promised Synopsis

If you chose to read the synopsis anyway, you little rebel you, the book begins with a teen runaway introduced to a new smart drug named "Numinous". When the effects - basically experiencing your own personal God- wear off, the emptiness overwhelms her and she kills herself inside the mental institution where she was being held. Another resident of the centre, scientist Lyda Rose, quickly figures out that the teen was on said drug- one that Lyda helped to create and fell victim to. Now, she must work to track down her co-creators and right past wrongs...

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So. Since my overly dramatic co-author here decided to go with the most inflammatory title headline humanly possible, allow me to clarify:

No one, NO ONE is selling any bodily organs for any reason under the sun.

This was said for dramatic effect by someone whose organs you don't want anyway since her diet is 90% Redbull and popcorn. This is only barely a joke.

Please stop emailing us with offers.

The comments alluding to such (and offering advice on how, dafuq internet?) have been deleted and future comments will be similarly dealt with.

Evey will be taken to Theatrics Rehab for this particular adventure.

Yeah. Stop.

-Haji

10/05/2015 Update: Still? STOP EMAILING US. Title now changed.

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Ah, dear reader, the draft folder overfloweth. There's just too much awesome, you guys. And also a kidney for sale. Hark!

1. Reading

ALL THE THINGS. The literature fairies finally saw it fit to send down a copy of "We Are All Completely Fine" by Daryl Gregory. You'll remember him from Le January Reading Wrap Up.
Sadly, this is a novella, totaling only 200 pages on my e-reader, sadface emoji to the power of infinity.

Amazon

Since the best way to move on from any painful breakup is to immediately marry the next guy that smiles at you on the street, I dug into my "Want To Read" list on Goodreads and got "The Girl on The Train". We're expecting twins in July.

2. Watching

Gintama. After all the hype around it, you figure "Why not", then you watch the first three episodes and 5 years have passed since anyone last saw you outside. What I'm saying is, so far, YAAAAAASS.

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2(b) Also watching Archer season six. Cheryl is our new deity now, spread the word.


3. Entry formerly known as "Selling My Kidney for" (edited by Haji)

A 4 day weekend indoors playing "The Last of Us". Listen. The last game I played (that wasn't on a brain training app) was probably Duck Hunt, real talk. But. BUT. "The Last of Us'. You guys.

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The storyline. The feels. The graphics. The terror. The feels. The never sleeping again. THE FEELS.
Reminders shall be sent to your email address just before my birthday & Christmas; the 'Thank You" cards will just be a long video of me screaming, 'cause THE INFECTED.

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Thaaaat's all folks! For traumatic games and priceless dating advice, I'm Evey G. Namaste, bitches.

Original Image: Noe Araujo

So, guys, that Lovecraft dude, huh? In our never ending quest to become more terrible, pretentious people, one thing cannot be left behind: learning to enjoy the classics. Also Sam Winchester loves him therefore by default so do we all.

Goodreads

Today's lesson of Sirliness features a 'novella' that would actually be a pretty good introduction to Grand Master H.P.'s work: The case of Charles Dexter Ward.

Synopsis
The book features the entitled young Charles Dexter Ward who finds out about a shifty-azz ancestor on his Mum's side rumoured to have dabbled in the dark arts. Said to have been carrying out mysterious experiments in the arcane, the never ageing ancestor, Joseph Curwen had been swiftly booted out of the family history with his descendants (and the rest of the town) going to great lengths to destroy any lingering records of his life. Charles sets out to find out more about his strange ancestor but ends up opening a door he's not so sure he'll be able to close... *lightning flashes* *thunder claps* *your cat leaves the room, terrified*

Ranker

You can read or download the book legally and absolutely free from HERE.

WHAT YOU'LL LIKE
The Pacing. Lovecraft is THE ultimate Khal of knowing just when to drop a truth bomb on you when you were getting complacent with the story and thinking you're slick.
Key plot points are well spaced out so you never feel at any moment that you're marching on the spot waiting for the next "Girl, whaaaaaat" moment.

The Foreshadowing. Key information about the future of the story is slipped in throughout the book in the most natural and inconspicuous way possible.  You pretty much won't notice that there are hint Easter eggs all over until about half way through, at which point you'll want to start the book again, pay rapt attention to every detail going forward AND question your intelligence. Everything you want in a man!

The Head-scratchers. Once you establish that the trail of breadcrumbs has been laid, the next step is to trying to figure them out, because you're a real G. This will be both fun and frustrating, but the pay off will be amazing. Just, you guys.

The Writing. Lovecraft is always lovely for his straightforward, unpretentious work and this is no different. The writing will flow and be easy to follow, in spite of the fact that the book is set in 1918 and written in 1927. 10/10 would recommend.

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WHAT YOU WON'T LIKE
Slow start. "The Call of Cthulhu" had the same problem; Lovecraft tends to take his sweet time in setting up and kicking off the story. It's easy to keep putting off continuing to read if you don't know that there's good things coming, but now you do, so hang in there.

Ye Olde English Parts. Some parts of the book require 'transcription' of very old letters written in the English of the time. This can be irritating to read, but you can skip them since the information is repeated throughout the course of the book anyway.

Gurl, bye

Righto, no spoilers have been given because G.R.R. Martin and I both want you to read the novella for yourself OR TYRION DIES. Don't try us. For Monday-ish Like A Sir, 'tis I, Evey G. Deuces!

And sweet dreams. ign

Original Image: Moyan Brenn

Did you know that January is usually when the most instant hit bestseller books are released? Science shows that the most fire literary masterpieces invariably drop, much like a sick beat, at the start of the year. "Science" is this dude I met on the bus one time that may have been on drugs.

January 2015 did not disappoint in this regard with a few books that promise to feature in humblebrag conversations and awe-inspiringly terrible movie adaptations in years to come. Without further ado, here are some January releases that should be on your 2015 wishlist.

1. If I Fall, If I Die - Michael Christie

Goodreads

Agoraphobic, overprotective Mum, isolated boy seeking to strike out on his own, disappearing local, and a regular Joe investigation. *Dun dun DUUUUN*
The real synopsis is here and does not feature theatrical background music.

2. The Girl on The Train - Paula Hawkins

Amazon

"Gone Girl" for hipsters. YES. (Synopsis here)

3. West of Sunset - Stewart O'nan

Goodreads

Don't let the shameful, SHAMEFUL cover fool you- this book that we'll be picturing Dan Humphrey as the protagonist of is about the final (tragic) years of the author that made us all wish we were born in the 1920s: F. Scott Fitzgerald. Possible 25 out 10. 

(synopsis here)

4. The Magician's Lie - Greer Macallister

Magicians. End of story. Also possible strong female protagonist and also myyyyysteryyyyy. We haz likes. (synopsis here)

You guys. With such beautiful choices to eventually purchase once prices fall and the local bookshops get them because online shopping is voodoo, we really should start a book club this year, no?
As far as actual reads in January go, the Goodreads challenge is going well thus far.

Afterparty (Daryl Gregory)

The Phantom Rickshaw and Other Stories (Rudyard Kipling)

The Case of Charles Dexter Ward (H.P. Lovecraft)

Striving for the Wind (Meja Mwangi)

I won't front, I did not by any measure finish the Kipling: after the titular short story the rest....well, you'll just have to wait to read the review from your post-apocalyptic bomb shelter as you fend off the cannibal hoards, now won't you. (This will happen on April 4th, 2078). *Dun Dun DUUUUUUN*

In other words, moar details to come on the four books listed above. Hope you're having a great week so far, and have been sufficiently shamed into finishing your fist book of 2014. For condescension and false prophecy, this has been Evey G. Peeeeeeace!

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For those of us with commitment issues, your phone or other device wallpaper gets very old very quickly. So. How do we keep the relationship fresh while also enjoying a little dish on the side and maybe dropping this increasingly gross metaphor? One word: Muzei.

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While there are a lot of apps out there that let you select and change your wallpaper as often as you'd like, there's something to be said about an app that actually updates it for you on a daily basis, with new images selected from a source of your choice. 

The app then blurs the image backward so your widgets and apps remain visible, though you can view the image at any time by double tapping the screen. The image appearing as your screensaver is clean and sleek, but opening the Muzei app gives you useful additional background information on the image of the day.

Naturally, in keeping with our "cheapskate fond of the good life" theme, the app and its various extensions, are available absolutely free for Android.

"Extensions?", you ask, puzzled and intrigued.

Yes, extensions. With Muzei and its related add ons, you can opt for streams from the Marvel Universe

Google Play

National Geographic images for those so inclined

Google Play

or for the more morbid among us, the Beautiful Death extension that features Game of Thrones art.

Google Play

There are an insane number of additional extensions available for your pleasure, ranging from NASA images, to album art from music you enjoy, images you have on Dropbox and back. Or if you can't choose a category, you have the option of Multimuze, which gathers images from a variety of sources.

This being a Monday Like A Sir post, you are of course encouraged to get the Muzei Live Wallpaper stand alone app (extension?) that focuses solely on artwork.

Personal screenshot

With a brand new painting every day, you're bound to see something you like. As mentioned, opening the Muzei app gives you the title of the art work, name of the artist and the year it was made. You can use this to search the artist, figure out what their style is called, similar artists, etc: essentially, it's the most lazy-friendly way to discover painters you will enjoy. Doing this often enough will get you fairly familiar with the art world; at least enough to hold your own in a conversation.

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Righto, it has been I, your Sir guide, Evey G. Go ye forth, install and enjoy. Wishing you all an "Oh, you hadn't heard of this app? Plebe." week.