Photo credits below.
Aloha good people, and what it do. Yours truly decided to undo her long suffering box braids this weekend all by her lonesome: an all night long endeavour that calls for an arsenal of snackables (banana crisps ftw!), a pillow fort and of course, entertainment.
Now, if you're thinking "How better to stay awake all night than in the throes of complete terror, jumping at every random sound", you sir/ma'am/sentient potato, have the right idea. Armed with this train of thought, this reporter proceeded to gather unto herself the following iconic films and got down to it.
1. Dracula (1931)
Obvious hipster pick. Some of the scenes intended to be scary- like Dracula's slow motion exit from his coffin, or shots of the lair, featuring a random possum- are admittedly hilarious from the 2015 perspective, but I am still a fan.
"Bela Lugosi changed the vampire movie genre by single-handedly bringing suave sophistication back to what Nosferatu and ancient lore made a disgusting monster."
-My Sanctimonious Opinion (2015)
Rating: 4.73 stars out of 5
Bonus: Viewing party for "Nosferatu"? Guys, we can do this.
2. The Voices (2014)
Where to start. The film is about a kindly factory worker (played by Ryan Reynolds who COMPLETELY knocks it out of the park on this one) who we come to find out is very mentally unwell and what comes of this. The film is actually laugh out loud funny in some parts, which given the subject matter, is straight up heroic on the writer's part.
This movie is incredible for a couple of reasons. First, as a lifelong fan of Criminal Minds, you come to (rightly) view serial killers as vile monsters, driven by forces we can't properly understand. With The Voices we get a behind-the-scenes view of what exactly goes on in the minds of these people responsible for some of the strangest, most disgusting crimes in history. It's not often you're sympathetic of and almost cheering for the serial murderer but this movie takes you there.
There's a scene in which the psychiatrist explains to Jerry that much as he hears voices in his head, so do we. The voice telling you you can't succeed, the voice calling you fat, the voice calling you unworthy of love. We all hear the whispers, maybe not telling us to murder our friends, but they're there all the same: and the best we can do is argue back and prove them wrong.
It's pretty amazing the balance they manage to strike between telling an overall gruesome story, without being dark and depressing. In the back of your mind, you know we're seeing through Jerry's eyes and things are not as they seem- but you WANT to stay in that rosy perspective, not deal with reality. Exactly like Jerry does. Yup. You just found the killer relatable.
A lot of this is because of Ryan Reynolds. This incredibly funny and unreasonably hot actor transforming into a sad, likeable if slightly pathetic protagonist (antagonist?) is a feat that should not be possible. Reynolds is heartbreaking, which could have made for a downer of a film, but his sunny perspective keeps everything upbeat and optimistic.
Rating: 72 stars out of 5
As a cat lady, I do kinda object to Mr. Whiskers being the voice of all the murder urges. Hearing "ridiculous peasant" in a gruff Irish accent, though? Priceless.
3. The Perfect Guy (2015)
Ok, so this isn't out yet, but, I did watch the trailer (HERE) and I am already among the top 5 stans globally.
The plot seems pretty formulaic for this genre of movies.
Michael Ealy and Michael Ealy's blue eyes start out as the too good to be true rebound guy for the woman that just broke up with Insensitive Morris Chestnut, but things quickly take a left turn and keep going into oblivion.
As someone who loved and was terrorized by Hillary Swank and Jeffrey Dean Morgan's The Resident, movies like this are always a little bit more scary because it's not some supernatural evil: this happens in real life. So, fantastic first date movie.
Rating: Predicted 4.21743 out of 5 stars
Almost enough to get me to the theatre to watch it. Almost.
4. The Cabin in the Woods (2012)
Joss Whedon. Enough said. But I'll keep talking. The premise is amazing: an old Hollywood mainstay adapted to reflect the modern reality. Dialogue naturally on point, Chris Hemsworth, gratuitous boobies and a tweeeest ending all wrapped in jump scares galore.
This starts out as a generic horror movie but spins into a meta, psychological thriller mindf*ck INSIDE the horror movie and it's beautiful. Get. On. It.
Rating: WhedonCannotBeQuestioned out of 5 stars
Seriously. He's like Beyonce. Don't do it.
5. The Thing (2011)
Alright, so this wasn't necessarily watched during the great Hair All Nighter of 2015, but it was wisely watched at 03:00am on a different insomniac night, so it still counts.
Remakes generally get a lot of flack for blaspheming the source material, but your resident 90s kid has yet to watch the original so *Kanye shrug*.
Plus, given the choice, in most cases I'll go for the remake since they probably have the budget and CGI to take the original concepts to the next level, sooo *second Kanye shrug*
The horror of this movie was not in the alien killer monster thingie, it was in the "anyone you know and trust could be an imposter alien monster thing". This and other body snatcher movies are literally the worst type of horror because it plays on and amplifies your base fear of being completely alone, able to trust only yourself.
Like any storm cloud, however, this has a silver lining: rampant flame-thrower murder! So maybe not so bad?
Rating: 4.3 out of 5 stars
Ramona Flowers is doing great since the break up.
Right, for nocturnal activities of a questionable nature and keeping the lights on all night, this has been Evey G. Sleep tight, folks.
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