Confessions of a Facebook Lurker: 2010 edition

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Long ago in a distant land, I, Evey, the shape-shifting master of evil was actively on Facebook, posting witty updates that took hours to craft and wolfing a tube of Smarties every time I got a "like". As the title suggests, this was circa 2008-2010, at which point I got massively bored and quit. (My current account doesn't count because it is exclusively used for buying jewellery online).


During my tenure on Facebook, I fell into what was once the national pastime...and made the super bright decision of writing about it. Therefore, ladies and gents, today's post is brought to you by 2010 Evey, a more cheerful sprite prone to run on sentences, being judgmental and diagnosing random people as serial killers. Enjoy.

Confessions of a Facebook Lurker

You may never admit it to anyone in this lifetime, and you may not immediately realise you've been doing it but 9 out of 10 people have contracted a serious case of the Facebook Lurkies. The other person is not on Facebook and rides a fixed gear bicycle to poetry slams. Fear not, good people, I am here to say what you cannot, and fearlessly name the people whose profiles you've memorized by now. Hark!

-The one guy from middle school that everyone wanted. Turns out he did NOT age well and at the ripe old age of 20-something looks....well, lets just say you wouldn't be all over him if he was covered in chocolate and bacon strips.

-The “One That Got Away”. The one guy you obsessed over for weeks, maybe (shamefully) months, but never had the cojones to actually make a move on. You will scroll through their timeline and see what a self-absorbed and ultimately dull douche they were and wonder if they'd put a hex on you when you were scratching Mrs Person on your laptop with a Swiss army knife. No? Just me? Alrighty then.

-The girl who is everything you would be in a perfect world. You know her: stunning, charismatic beauty with the heart of gold and penchant for philanthropy . She has the most incredible collection of literature anyone could hope to amass (assemble?) and does fabulous things like go to Dubai on vacation and drive out of town to this authentic cuisine restaurant on a whim. You can't hate her, but you can't like her either and this limbo keeps you refreshing her Facebook page (and insanely popular blog, what gives?) over and over again.

-The dorky girl who used to want to be you in middle school. Looking for solace after the confidence-shattering blow of Ms OMGs page, you click over to that slightly annoying, super socially awkward girls page from high/mid school. Lo and behold, how the tables have turned. She goes to med school now, has worked in an international internship program, spends her weekends at Fashion Week Paris/Milan/Narnia....and is now friends with that hipster guy from university that you worked so hard to convince that you were cool and edgy enough to hang out with.

-The edgy hipster intellectual guy from university who you need as a best friend. He's into studying foreign religions and poetry and has already watched your favourite anime twice. His essays have been featured in your favourite literature site, he has a band, believes in laziness and is crazy smart: so smart that you never bring up your opinions on things because you know holes will be shot through them, leaving you pretending it was totally a joke, because duh, you're totally not one of the sheeple, omg.

-The unflushable who keeps stalking you on Facebook, convinced that you're soulmates. You've told him over and over that you're not interested but you do get a slight kick from knowing he keeps forcing issues, 'cause, I mean, he is kinda cute. In a moment of weakness, you consider him a viable paramour (if all those other girls are into him, he's gotta have something going for him, right?) and surf his page to get to know him better. About two minutes in, you realise he TYPES IN CAPSLOCK and probably wants to skin you and make a new doll for his collection. don't block him though, just in case.

Since you and I both know that a specific name jumped into your head at each entry, I shall quietly exit stage left and allow you to reach for your long-ignored Facebook account to find each person again, y'know, just 'cause it's been a while. Safe space here, no one's judging.

Well, maybe a little.

Bisou bisou, bitches.


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