Three guesses who's been taking down her braids since yesterday and keeps finding justifications to give herself commercial breaks? That's right, Queen Elizabeth. Also, me. 
It has just occurred to me that in spite of being Team Natural from birth (never relaxed my hair), having an intermittent interest in learning to manage my black hair better and firmly believing some of these natural videos are just straight up witchcraft, I have yet to make any mention of it on this here corner of the interwebs. Therefore, here we go: Natural Hair Tingz.

Natural Hair products
Yissssssss. Leave in conditioner, henna treatment/dye & heat protector.

Naturally, (hehehe) a lot can be said about 20some years of hair stuff, so to make sure I don't overwhelm y'all, I'll break it down into smaller installments that will stay in my drafts folder until Vladimir Putin's raw sexiness goes nuclear and kills us all and post over time, probably split into the following categories: 

The Basics
As I said, I've been Team Natural from birth. My wet hair reverts to spring coils that can be classified as 4B/4C depending on the alignment of the moon and Mars. It's also very light or "thin" which means it's fairly easy to straighten into a look that can pass for texturized, but also prone to frizzing in a way that can only be considered supernatural. I legit cannot even look at pink lotion without erupting into an afro, it's crazy. Basically, my hair is made entirely of middle fingers to me & my sanity.

Like this, but curly. weknowmemes

Sidebar: in highschool, I got strands of hair from a friend with thick hair (no further questions on how) and strands of my own under a microscope in the bio lab and my strands were actually way thinner than the average. Apparently, this is a thing? Granted, my ancestry is...complicated *waves to cousin with random blue eyes while being very black* so maybe that's it? 

Current Status
Technically, my hair texture should be easy to manage in it's curly glory, but being long, it's very prone to tangling while I attempt those fabulous natural hair styles I covet online. Mostly, I'm just faaaaaar too lazy to do all that flat twist business as often as is needed- I'll be accepting your "Positive Female Rolemodel" trophies via DHL, thank you.

I survive on washing, treating, then blowdry & flat ironing it at the salon, which I try to limit to once a month. I'm sure the people that do my hair are grateful for this since I'm an absolute nightmare as far as "Owwww, easy on the edges/No, blowdry in one direction/The heat on this is too high" demands are concerned.

Natural Hair Products
Once upon a time, I thought I was G and got light brown henna on my very very black hair. Needless to say, I looked like that old pair of black jeans we all wash too often if said jeans also got very drunk and fell in bleach: d.i.s.a.s.t.r.o.u.s. I dyed it back to black with a great henna hair colour/treatment (Inecto) & liked the defined black better than my natural hair colour, have been doing so about every 3 months ever since.
Day to day use, I'm big on coconut oil 'cause it's the only thing that works with my finnicky scalp AND hair the consistency of cat fur (Hi Mum).

My yearbook photo. I've...uh...lost some weight. cattime

I worked with Amla for a while which aside form being awesome for your hair, also smells like zombie diapers. 
If you take nothing else from this meandering ramble, go with this: TRESEMME SMOOTH SALON SILK SERUM IS THE HAIR MESSIAH.  Details to follow in the product review post that you will probably have to come to house to retrieve. I'll leave out cookies. 

Edges. Once upon a time, a lady convinced me to try Afro kinky pencil braids which looked amazing but would come to cost me my soul and about an inch off my hairline. I'm still recovering, almost 4 years later and my very bitchy hairdresser insists some of the hair loss is permanent (Hi Jeff), though I can't be sure if he's just being a terrible person. 
Furthermore, my scalp. Flaking doesn't begin to cover it, though oddly enough, it's only at the front of my head in some cruel twist of fate. Back when health insurance was a thing, I went to a dermatologist about it, who helped with exactly jack squat. So far, coconut oil (blessed be) does A LOT for the dryness, but I also just got an Oriflame product that better help or I'm suing everybody, you included.
These issues don't phase me, though: I know I'm our hair deity, the Goddess of Flawlessness is watching over me.

While waving at the peasants. femmehub

As far as introductory preview posts, I'd say this one was a winner, non? The eventual continuation will eventually be announced and posted eventually. *moonwalks out*

It is 02:15am right now and I'm wide awake because shut up, that's not the point. What the point IS is the movie that just wrapped up on telly: “Disconnect”. Whatever you're doing right now, stahp: immediately open a new browser window and LEGALLY get the 2012/2013 movie asaptually, no joke.

Had to have the poster somewhere. moviegos

The TV guide blurb crawl thing noted the film as being about Jason Bateman (yaaaaaass) and Paula Patton (ugh) discovering the dark side of technology because yeah right like we read past 'dark side' & Jason Bateman. The name & lack of anything else to watch sold it for me immediately, and I opted to watch because I was hoping to see terrible things happen to terrible-at-acting (Baggage Claim) Paula Patton by way of being annoyed they picked her as the female lead.

Her? giphy

You guys. Guys. Jason Bateman stars as a high flying walking neglectful parent trope lawyer with a wife who was maybe a bowl of porridge because her contribution to the film was....y'know what? I have no idea. Lovely actress though, no shade. He has two kids, one a popular teen daughter and the other a socially awkard son with no friends who was not played by Micheal Cera, my fantasy man. Said lonely emo kid is a music composer? He meets this 'girl' on Facebook who was superbly played by Manti Teo's girlfriend, in her debut film role.

This timely reference brought to you by ACME industries. stlewis.blogspot

Much like your personal contribution to preserving the environment, said Jessica girl does not exist. (GO VOLUNTEER AT KARURA FOREST!!)
'She' is a stunning work of douchebaggy pranking by the kid who played Young Sam Winchester that bunch of episodes and his bizzaro friend named Fry. As it turns out, Young Sam Winchester is actually a pretty lonely kid who lives with his father, That One Guy From The Purge who used to be a cop but retired to spend more time with Young Sam Winchester after his wife died. He is also a private investigator of cyber crime. His latest case? A fraud involving Eric Northman in Average Joe cosplay that does this Viking deity zero hotness justice.

Precisely. popsugar

His character, however, is the amaze. A former marine married to Paula Patton (ugh) who lost their son somehow, he is now distant towards his wife because she's Paula Patton and also because grief. Said lady who is probably very nice in real life while being an unfortunate actress spends most of her time online selling art and speaking to people on a grief support chat site about their deceased child. A little (understandable) emotional adultery from Paula an online gaming addiction from Northman later, they find out their bank accounts have been drained and the police can essentially do nothing for them, hence the hiring of That One Guy From The Purge.

This One Guy From The Purge. dailymotion

A seperate, darker story line stars Redhead Reporter who gets a line on a teen webcam model, the lovely French kid whose name I actually Googled & will repetitively use as it's fun to spell (Max Thieriot) from “The House at the End of The Lane” and “Bates Motel”. Sidebar: how sad was his story there? When you find yourself rooting for the serial murder-kidnapper in the movie, the actor is goooood. Or, has a babyface that demands you sympathize and cook him soup, whatever. Sidebar, over. Redhead Reporter gets Max Thieriot to tell her about the house where he and other underage video models live in a kinda heartbreaking expose that gets aired on the local news and eventually picked up by CNN. Here, the FBI get involved and demand Max Thieriot's  address so they can go rescue the kids, which she's advised to do by her company's lawyer, Patrick Bateman.

Patrick, by the way, is dealing with the fact that his composer emo son tried to kill himself after a compromising picture of himself he sent “Jessica” is shared around the school by Young Sam Winchester, because being a teenager wasn't hard enough. Said emo teen is hospitalized in a coma and Young Sam Winchester, feeling guilty goes to visit, running into Patrick Bateman who eventually figures out who “Jessica” is after Facebook chatting with “her”. Some very poignant points are made during these chats, about being a father, admitting Patrick's failings, identifying that Young Sam Winchester/”Jessica” is a pretty lonely kid, providing a sad look into his relationship with his own dad and all that good stuff.

Like this, but with less angels. destiel-and-supernatural-songs.tumblr

Patrick Bateman therefore goes to Young Sam Winchester's house to confront the kid about his part in spreading the picture that prompted the suicide attempt. Meanwhile, That One Guy From The Purge has also figured out what his kid did, reading the “Jessica” chats and getting insight into his kid's attitude problems/general “activate motherly instincts you didn't know you had”-ness. He answers the door to find an enraged Patrick Bateman who KNOWS. *dun dun duuuuuun*

Redhead Reporter's promises to come save Max Thieriot as a cover to get his address and send the FBI to raid the house, which their awful pimp is somehow alerted to and escapes with the kids to a motel. Max Thieriot calls Redhead Reporter to inform her of this, and as her guilt catches up with her, she heads to the motel to pick him up, saying she'll get him out of the webcam life. When she refuses to agree to concrete terms, such as letting him live with her, he realizes she was essentially using him to further his career, too little too late offer to help notwithstanding. He states that she is worse than his pimp (played by freaking MARC JACOBS) and storms off, back toward the motel. Redhead Reporter follows him, promising to help, when Max Thieriot's horrible pimp, who had been watching from the motel window the whole time steps outside, fist raised, to intercede. *dun dun duuuuuuuun*

In storylines we wish had more competent female leads land, Eric Northman and Paula Patton get information about the guy that stole their identity from That One Guy From The Purge and do a whole lot of “We are certifiably stupid” by speaking to him at his job, breaking into his home and having an emotional discussion while parked outside his house. That One Guy From The Purge calls them right before they confront him to say that the guy they've been stalking was also a victim of the fraud, as the real fraudster implicated the stalkee through a proxy IP adress. By then, the stalkee has noticed them outside his home and knowing they've been trailing him, comes to investigate. While Paula Patton (unconvincingly) tries to emotionally connect with the guy, he orders Eric Northman out of the gunpoint. *dun dun duuuuuuuun*

I know, right??? bridalguide

Real talk, I had to pee so bad from about 27 minutes into the movie but the story-lines had me more than willing to risk permanent bladder damage to see what happened next. This from a fan of inappropriate TMI that is usually quite alright with googling movie plots and never seeing them through to the end, or sometimes, not watching them at all. You would expect this movie to bring the extreme feelz but you have the Evey Guarantee that no tears will be shed. Even by those of us who legit wept our way through all 25 episodes of Shingeki no Kyojin.

If you take nothing else from strangers who write on the internet, take this: 'Disconnect' is the understated and underrated masterpiece you need in your movie library. Many, many films have tried to pull off the interconnected storylines format since “Crash” with often unfortunate results, but this? You guys. Again, acquire this movie immediately, within the scope of the law. #WeAreNotLegallyLiableForThis

For random movie reviews & the thing my doctor calls “insomnia”, this has been Evey G. 

Pow! wifflegif

Fashion fans and fanatics, it's time: we need to stop wearing clothes. 

As you should have heard by now from the frantic nonstop frothing of your otaku friends about the coming live action movie, Shingeki no Kyojin (also known as 'Attack on Titan' manga series & anime) is THE hottest commodity the world of anime/manga has gifted the world since the beginning of time.

Aside from an exquisite storyline, unforgettable characters and mind-melting visuals, Attack on Titan has also given us one more invaluable gift: fashion and style tips for the ages. 
Yes, you can indeed expect the fashion industry to stand up and pay attention to this stunning stylings of Eren, Mikasa, Armin, and of course, LEVI! 

Yes. rebloggy

Fashion bloggers and style fans take note: this is how YOU can be the best dressed gal or guy in the room with Shingeki no Kyojin (SNK):

1. Sometimes, No Clothes are the best clothes
The world has continued to lean towards the “going natural” trends and the fashion world agrees! One great way to embrace the natural you is simply to ditch the latest clothing fads and show off your amazing skin by going au naturale: wear no clothes at all!
An important point to remember when embracing this trend is that modesty is key. Remember to trim unnecessary body parts such as all external genitalia to avoid a nasty fashion faux pas that's a major no-no!

Better yet, why not step it up a notch by ditching both clothes AND skin altogether? The message repeated by fashion mavens through the ages has remained the same: embrace the natural you! What's more attractive to a potential suitor than a confident display of how developed and functional your tendons are? If you're single, you're guaranteed not to be for much longer!***Note 1

The perfect ensemble for prom. (obvious screenshot)

2. Have a Personal Coat of Arms
The residents of Shingeki no Kyojin are divided into 3 walls, each with their own distinct and identifying symbol; a great fashion lesson in personal branding. What can be more one of a kind than a symbol that's all yours? A good place to start would be with a butterfly, heart, flock of birds or a dolphin as your foundation, then build on that to make your sidgil truly one of a kind. This is best displayed on your lower back or, should you go for a more tribal chic or barbed wire-inspired design, on your bicep, where it can be shown off by your collection of muscle t-shirts.

Ours is the fury! butterfatstudios

3. When choosing accessories go for stylish AND functional
In the olden days, when fashion was just a fledgling concept, the trend setters of the day knew how to make every item of clothing count. Earrings that could be used as spear tips, bracelets with jangling beads that could serve as toys for children, loincloths that could double as...morning after loincloths: everything had a purpose beyond aesthetics.

For your next date. curellasays

Take this to the next leve with Shingeki no Kyojin inspired 3D maneuver gear. Customizable in different colours such as steel, chrome, or metallic grey to match your styling needs, this funky accessory serves both as an elegant mode of transportation and a statement piece to really make your outfit stand out.

Like Spiderman, but AWESOME. rebloggy

Functional 3D maneuver gear not yet available in your country? Build your own DIY project from reinforced titanium, intricate pully sytems and lengths of barbed wire. Test out your creation by jumping off the roof adjacent to the next social event or fashion gathering you wish to attend to make a splash!***Note 2

4. Pop of Colour
Add a daredevil hint of excitement to your formal gown with the effortlessly stylish Survey Corps hooded cape. Protect your hair from the elements, hide your face from papparazi or ex boyfriends and look chic, all at once with this forest green fashion must have, made that much more unique and fashion forward by the wings of freedom emblazoned across the back.

Seen here on Mariah Carey in 1995. ebay

5. Incorporate Living Elements to Really Make Your Outfit stand out
Bond villains have their white cats, our dark lord Mugatu has his poodle, and you, dear fashion forward reader, what do you have? A horse.

Oh, hello there. chickensmoothie

Understandably, keeping a horse requires a little bit more effort than the average Paris Hilton purse dog, but it is beyond worth it. Aside from a fashion statement no one will forget, you also get a convenient source of instant hair extensions, which, so hot right now.

Hansel is the name of my horse. imgfave

Show up at a party wearing the same outfit as someone else? Your problem can easily be solved in a dignified ladylike way by getting your horse to take a steaming, fashionable dump on the offender to prompt a change of clothes. Horses can also be dyed to match your outfit of the day, with a wide range of organic paints that are great on your skin and gentle on Mother Earth.

Which is not crazy and unnecessary at all.  adorableanimals4lois

There you have it, dolls! Not only is Shingeki no Kyojin among the best manga/anime series known to man, it is also a deep well of fashion inspiration. Go ye forth and put your best foot forward with these stylish tips and we guarantee you'll be the talk of the town. Remember to share your pictures with us on Instagram and Twitter, with the hashtag #WeAreNotLegallyLiableForThis.
Have a fashionable week, ladies and gents!

***Note 1: because you'll be dead from massive infection. But still not single!
***Note 2: A red splash, because your design may not work as advertised, and you will super die. A stylish red splash though.
Since introductions are for wimps and people who aren't running from a submission deadline in 2 hours, let's hop right into this week's installation of shawarma-themed AWESOME. Previous incarnations can be found here. Hark!

1. Reading

Yes, at long last, your resident newbie Murakami fan and sayer of things like "Of course I'm right, I read Haruki Murakami" has gotten her hands on his newest book which apparently sold a milli copies in Japan on release. #Dedication
Review to come? Review to come.

We have an Instagram now!

2. Listening to

Ladies, if ever you need to werk a new pair of heels, this is all the soundtrack you need:

Tiwa Savage puts it DOWN. Ever since Kele Kele I've been a fan, and having just caught her brilliant video with another favourite, Waje (I still listen to "inspired" before I walk by the valley of the shadow of death), I am firmly Team Tiwa. Check it.

3. Watching

Teen Wolf. Yeah. I don't understand either. Having watched season 1 when it just came out & giving myself a concussion from violently rolling my eyes, I had no interest in continuing with the series. In a fit of boredom, I located the season 3 DVD some accursed servant of evil had left lying around, and then it was morning and I'd watched the whole thing.

For...reasons. offcolortv

Seeing as how they finally dropped the 'pale creeper' shtick for Derek (which I suspect was decided upon in the Twilight days) and switched it up to tan, bulked up, strong silent Derek, I am here. for. it. Seriously.
The storylines are still heavily O___o worthy, but it's easy watching for a chill night in/Sunday afternoon. This is not a recommendation.

Honourable Mention
As a card-carrying member of team "Needs to Get off the internet", I read a LOT of excellent blogs and sites. Starting (whenever I'll get around to) the next wrap up of shawarmy goodness, a brief description and link of said amazeballs sites/blogs/sellers of Buffy the Vampire Slayer merchandise will be included.

In the spirit of this post, have a half-assed weekend filled with tan werewolves and cheating boyfriends wearing excellent makeup. Au revoir!

I sincerely doubt any other articles have been as pushed forward as the book reviews promised ages ago. The simplest explanation: how can you possibly do a writer’s words, what they painstakingly crafted, any further justice without utterly corrupting the source material into an unrecognizable pile of SRSLY?

Still beefing. moarpowah

Short answer: you don’t. You speak your opinion and hope whoever is reading the review is cool with spoilers and agrees with you because all other points of view are wrong & you’re the only one that really gets the author.
Please proceed to the 5 things you'll enjoy the most in the book, below:

1.       The Story
At its core, the story follows the traditional formula:

(Background/Introduction of characters) à (boy & girl meet) à (boy & girl get to digging each other)
     è (boy and girl are separate by obstacles) à (boy and girl overcome)

Wecker does a pretty admirable job of making you forget you’re essentially reading a rom com and subconsciously adding Catherine Hiegel’s face after every 3 female characters.

Or, worse. *adorkables internally* giphy

2.       The Characters
The Golem is the ultimate Mary Sue if you look closely enough, which we won’t, because we like this story and want it to prosper. More than anyone else, you’ll either identify with her or root for her the entirety of the story. Admittedly, having watched that Supernatural episode that featured a Golem messed with my ability to picture her as described but that’s my problem to be discussed with a therapist at a later date.
The Jinni is the consummate bad boy type in that way that falls on the right side of the line between charismatic & slap-a-dude that doesn’t actually happen ever at all anywhere. Capricious, lacking in general self-control, alladat. Ladies, when you wake up next to that alcoholic bad boy you married and begin to ask yourself why, this is it. This is why.

Worth it!

The supporting cast is lovely as well: from the respective ‘caretakers’ of our protagonists to even the major antagonist. Sure, the wizard guy is terrible and evil, but you have to kind of feel bad for him in this incarnation: he literally had no choice in the matter, being predestined to evil (granted, by his former lives, but still, dude had no chance). The Doctor haunted me well after I’d finished the book: to have been dealt such an ugly lot by virtue of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, then still be incredibly selfless at the end of the book. Not everyone and most certainly not me would have been so kind, courageous an all-around stand up person. You guys! *tears up*

3.       The Setting
History buff, here. I admit to greatly romanticizing the lost years when everyone wore hats and ladies dropped their kerchiefs and said “I do declare!” everywhere including ancient Egypt (these are listed as Queen Cleopatra’s first words), so this book was like a toned down glimpse into the fairy tale world I wish the late 1800s were like.
The setting, viewed with a cynical eye, is hella cliche: the two characters couldn't have been from more different cultures and backgrounds, a la Montagues and Capulets almost and ideally their paths needn't have crossed, but they do because moving the story along and also TRUE LOVE.
The descriptions of everything are spot on and merge nicely with the Gossip Girl New York map engraved in my brain to create an immersive backdrop to the central story. The descriptions of the work, the cafes, the culture, 10,000% history pr0n and I love it. Loved it, I say!

*is reduced to tears by swag overdose* 100megspop3

4.       The Writing
The writing style is super light and easy to read. The week it took me to finish this book (I’m actually busy, particularly when I’m avoiding things I’m actually meant to be doing) was the one week in the history of EARTH that I didn’t once switch on the internet on my phone. At all. Any free moment I had to be with my baby, I was on my e-reader.
It’s a great read with the tones you’d expect of each character coming out very clearly any making them that much more relatable.

5.       The Movie Potential
Don’t get it twisted: I most certainly do NOT want this to be turned into a movie. Really. Everyone can do without Jennifer Lawrence as the Golem and one of those One Direction chirruns as the Jinni. Making this book a movie also means we lose the internal monologues of each character, which can only cheapen the deeply nuanced story: most movie adaptations can do absolutely no justice to the source material.

STILL. BEEFING. moarpowah

If it WAS to be made, however, can’t you just picture it? Indulge me for a second: period pieces with the proper financial muscle behind them make for the most breathtaking visual experience in cinema. Exhibit everything: The Great Gatsby.
I loathe me some Daisy Buchanan but good heavens the sets! The clothing! The music! I’m learning Arabic just thinking about it. Even with this possibility, I do still hope Hollywood goes nowhere near this book, or if they do, appoint Michael Bay…to make sure the Golem explodes upon completion, taking out the Earth and everyone in it. *closing credits* It is the only way.

Final Score
Final score, if you hadn't guessed it, is 9,000 stars out of 5. For script-writing, romantic novels and delayed reviews, ‘tis I, Evey G. Have a good one.

#GirlBoss is the autobiographical book by Sophia Amoruso, fashun mogul & the entrepreneur extraordinaire founder of Nasty Gal. I'm not much for the fashion world but I do partake in girl power business-oriented literature so I figured what the hey. 

Speaking of #GirlBosses.

The Good
The book is actually well written to begin with. When a book has you sneaking every spare minute, even on the supermarket queue (where I was buying vegan, wholesome goods and definitely not Oreos), to read that one extra page, the book is well written. The tone that comes through the entire thing is refreshing honesty. Sophia isn’t looking to sell you her story as an ideal, she’s honestly sharing what has happened, what and how she’s thought and you can tell that she’s being real. Most of us make a point of not reading biographical books like this because the angle is always “started from the bottom, now I’m here. Marvel at my success and make me richer by buying this book. Did I mention that I’m successful? Because I am. Like, SUPER successful”. Where Sophia is coming from is she started from the bottom, and this is how she clawed, bled and climbed each torturous step, with little emphasis on the whole I’M WINNING thing.

The story will kick you in the butt. And I have a narrow butt so I most certainly felt it. You’re going to want to put more effort into your *insert side hustle, main hustle, or current project here* with immediate effect and a zeal that only Santa’s overworked and underpaid elves can muster. The first I should say half of the book is a study in what dedication and being ready to do the dirty work will get you. Trust and believe, you shall be inspired.

Like this, but with everyone in heels. peopleinspirepeople

The thought process Sophia has is brought out very clearly in the book. The reader is able to look at how this successful entrepreneur reasons things out, compared to how you yourself think. Some things that seem obvious had actually never occurred to me: a shoplifter that steals books to resell on eBay isn’t a new concept, but the fact that Sophia would first check what books were Amazon bestsellers to know what would sell off eBay had me like “whaaaaaa?”. That concept can, I believe, be filed under Market Research, demonstrated in the most basic, non-jargon way and applied to real life, albeit in a situation that’s less than favourable.
It’s a great book to sit down with before you start on a new project, or if you have a backlog of things you’re meant to be doing (throws shade at myself) ‘cause for me at least, it presents a new angle to look at things, specifically creative ideas with practical benefits.

The Bad
The book could have ended sooner. By Chapter 5, aptly titled “Money Looks Better in Your Bank than On Your Feet”, I was still nodding vigorously every 3 sentences, like the rave Chihuahua of your dreams. With concrete references to real life situations and decisions, the story being told felt accessible and to the point: I got the book to learn how she got her success & parlay the applicable lessons to my own situation.
Chapter 6, not so much. Here the book veers into Sophia’s personal philosophies & ‘harnessing the magic of the universe’ wahala. I didn’t get it and I didn’t want to. I’m not saying it was a bad thing, I’m saying it wasn’t for me. The rest of the book going forward has a lot more content I’m sure will resonate personally with a lot of readers but I am not the target audience: being a fashion rebel outsider, basic information about the job search and a personal story about a photography project involving a church and so on. I was briefly back in for chapter 9, which focused on the business aspect again, branding, customer service and so on, but stayed firmly #Nope to the end.

The Ugly
Pretty much covered in the mystical magic stuff. I get that the book is about Sophia and her journey, and this was part of it: I’m not knocking it, by all means do you. Having said that, I could have done without it.

Final Verdict
4 out of 5 stars.  Highly recommend, not just for female entrepreneurs but for everyone looking to get a fresh perspective/bounce out of a professional slump/finally finish that book about roguishly handsome pirate Carlos Raul sweeping the innocent chambermaid off her feet with...a magic horse...or his hair powers.

Not actually in the book. via nastygal

Go ye forth and enjoy.
It's that 'posts with misleading titles' time again! *blasts glitter cannon* Previous shawarmy goodness can be found here, and an Internet Explorer pox upon ye who do not go check them out. Threats are a great way to make friends, btw. Let's hop to it, yes?

Dress code: badass. bloody-disgusting

1. Reading
#GirlBoss, The Richest Man in Babylon and holding on to “If I Stay” to see if I’ll get around to it. I’m half way one with a review of #GirlBoss, which hopefully will see the light of day and not fade into the back alley of my drafts folder like so many others. It was self-improvement week, people!
via nastygal which I only just found out about because FASHUN

2. Watching
The Strain. Y’all. Y’ALL. I don’t even remotely know what to say. The series is slow to start, but you must persevere beyond the first two episodes because it is WORTH IT. If you’re a germophobe whose idea of literal Hell is waking up to news that a highly contagious, unidentified epidemic just arrived on the scene *cough* Ebola *cough* *cough*, the first two episodes will be d.i.s.t.u.r.b.i.n.g.

My lingerie henceforth. braladder

With a bunch of jump scares tied in, you will at some point come to the conclusion that the only way to get over what you’ve just seen (and be free of contamination) is to set yourself on fire. Do not do this. Instead, text a friend or person you hate a live recap of every minute, complete with hysterical commentary and suggestions to stock up on antiseptic.
From episode 3 going forward, you will most certainly have favourite characters to root for, as the stars are well written, layered and complicated like normal humans. Also stupid, like the scientist who refuses to…you know what? I’ll spare you the spoiler. When you see it, you’ll know what scene I mean & you should tweet me your variation of “Seriously? SERIOUSLY???”.
I’ve only seen the first 5 episodes so far and I’m already fan girl number 1. #TeamVasily
By all means, join the dark side.

*puppy eyes* io9

3. Listening To
My inner ninja! This is both a new agey proclamation and a song title, which you should listen to because the video is adorbz. New word.
Also listening to a series of inspirational videos I’m assuming were meant for bodybuilders but also apply to bloggers who haven’t run in 6 years but need the hype to be productive that day. There’s obviously a pretty wide variety of options to choose from, but my current favourites are helpfully chronicled nowhere because I'm encouraging you to be self sufficient..

Don't give me that look businessbee

For Laziness and terrible lifestyle choices, this has been Evey G. *is played out by Avicii*
Prologue: Find an introduction to Captain Save a Ho(bo) here.

The Set Up
Early this month, a good friend I hadn't seen in literal years sashayed back into town, so of course, catch up plans were hastily made. An eventful day of lunch, lounging and 2 years worth of gossip followed and a good time was had by all. That's not where this story begins.

At about 08:45pm, we were done with our shenetigens (copyright: Joseline Hernandez) and headed home. If you're familiar with Nairobi Town, you know where Archives is. My friend headed down towards Bus Station and I, the opposite direction to catch a bus home.

While we were saying our protracted goodbyes and "love your hair"s, a group of guys walks past us, with one of them (we'll call him SRSLY?) essentially stopping to look at me, then moving on with his friends and stopping a little farther ahead. Before you ask, YES these are things I notice when walking around because I need to know when to cross the street to avoid an ambitious rando.

Hey, boo. joyreactor

The Escalation
Now solo, I headed up the way the guys had gone and summoning my fiercest Resting Bitch Face, attempted to walk by them staring stonily ahead. At this point SRSLY? decides to run up beside me and say hello. Who hasn't received an unwanted hello? My default reaction is usually to act like the saluter is Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense and I'm not Haley Joel Osment, while speedily getting the hell up outta there, which I do here.

Naturally, I'm now on high alert; and proven correct when I hear a group of voices behind me and a distinctive "Nah, relax, I know her". Yup. Following the principles I was taught playing peek-a-boo as a toddler, I decide if I don't look at him, he doesn't exist.
Shortly, "Hi" sounds uncomfortably close to my left.

What? is there something on my face? hollywoodhorrormovies

The "Why Aren't Tasers Legal in Kenya"
I feel I need to explain: I am not a big girl. I couldn't hit 50KGs in Timberlands, and I'm not particularly tall. One of my high-school teachers used to make a point of telling me to be careful over school holidays as I can easily be stuffed into someone's duffel bag and never be seen again. She was the best. My point is, here is this group of guys, led by Mr Insist Until She Gives In and I'm by my lonesome.

This was taken last year. liveluvcreate

The following conversation then proceeds to happen:

SRSLY?: That wasn't fair. At least say hi to people you know
Me:           I don't know you

(At this point, I walk away to the right, putting proper distance between us but still in the vicinity of my matatus)


SRSLY?: My name is "whatevertheheck"
Me:          *silence*
SRSLY:   I said, my name is "whatevertheheck".
Me:          That's nice
SRSLY?: What's your name
Me:          I don't have one *walk a bit farther away*
SRSLY?: That's not fair. At least I know I'm good. *his friends finally get him to go away*

I get a matatu and head home to recount this story to everyone on my WhatsApp. My girls were, as expected, sympathetic, having been in that position themselves numerous times.
The guys...a mixed bag. Some understood where I was coming from, some laughed and said I was unnecessarily mean, and the real gems said I should have just had a conversation with him. "Kwani what's so hard about saying hi?". (Guess who immediately had 'Creeper' added to their name in my phonebook and win a Channing Tatum cut out.)

Specifically, this one. beautyandthedirt

My Perspective
From where I'm standing, when you're alone and being essentially accosted by a group of gents around other people, the safest thing is to show you are not voluntarily involved from the get go.
The way I see it, if the crowd waiting for javs with me sees from the beginning that I'm uncomfortable, should things escalate to a physical confrontation or necessitate me to yell for help, I am more likely to receive assistance.
In a situation where people see you laughing and conversing with this group, then asking for help when things go South, they are likely to interpret it as a domestic squabble and continue to mind their own business (although in Nairobi, short of literally being on fire, folks are likely to mind their business anyway).

#ButThatsNoneOfMyBusiness marketmenot

Epilogue: Guys, if you pull this stunt/endorse it, you are a DOUCHENOZZLE. Stop that. Stop. Go forth and be gentlemen.