We Won't Text You Back Because You're Horrible (with solutions!)

So. You took a chance and texted your crush/old friend/estranged pet platypus that's also a spy/classmate and have yet to hear back. Now you sit in the darkness with your sobbing icecream pondering what you possibly could have done wrong. We all know the feelz, and we are here to help.

1. You expect him/her to entertain you
You know the one. He/she texts "hi" or "hello" and expects the onus of turning their boredom into an actual conversation to be upon you. Maybe it's just me (it's not & stop lying) but texts like these put me on full Love and Hip Hop mode: I'm in front of the camera and I need to earn my keep by being turnt up, in this case, witty, intellectual and hilarious.

Witty, intellectual and hilarious. rebloggy

Yes, we understand that sometimes you just miss someone and want to talk to them, even though you don’t particularly have anything to say, but gosh darn it, there is a limit.
Say, you were in a random fight and you want to text & see if your crush is over it. A “hey” is acceptable because with most people, reactions can range from a 7 page text detailing all the ways in which you can jump off a bridge with Google Maps links to the ones nearest you, to the more gracious “CHOKE ON A WEAVE, TURTLE-FACE!!!”. Mark my sage words, ladies and gents, this the only time you are allowed to send someone a "hey". Otherwise:

-Stop being boring. 
-Send "I'm bored, entertain me". We're all adults here. I'm your humour clande. Let's keep it real.

2. You're a creeper
Hello, Charles! Yes, our watchmen still have a picture of you.

3. You're a downer
This one is pretty straight forward. You know that one friend that's always itching to rain on your parade? Your excited "Hey I got a new job!" is met with "yeah but that company poisons rivers and you're just an intern, calm down".  You know the one (or are the one). The friend who minimizes your accomplishments or invalidates your joy by poking holes in whatever it is you're buzzed about, a process scientifically known as "Stealing your Happy".
The world is occasionally an unfair zone, bro, and some people see others as lesser than them. Regrettably, this is often the case where you know the friend is so ride or die, they'll still be there tomorrow morning even after you spend tonight drifting through their mentions on your Twitter Subaru. This generally means you handle the 'subhuman' with enough condescension to shrink Kate Upton's boobs right down.

Pic for fashun purposes. stylebistro

This dynamic generally manifests as folks thinking they have the right to take a flame thrower to others' joys and/or treat them anywhich kind of way, while expecting no consequences. You (in this case, said douchebag) will meet their protests of unfair treatment with the timeless "you're being too sensitive" claim and henceforth treat them like an emotional powder keg FOR BEING HONEST, which in turn makes them feel bad about themselves until they either end your ish with a chainsaw or delete your number and stop responding to your texts. Ta da!

Check yo'self. Some of us (yes, US) can make cutting and awful statements without realizing it, with no malice intended; we're just terrible people. 
-Pause in your typing of "Your Mum's chest hair!" 
-Think about your life
-Ask yourself, "will this text reveal that I am the secret love child of Cthulu and Donald Trump on the inside?"
-Reply with a Powerpuff Girls quote

4. Your crush is madly in love with you and is afraid of the intensity of their feelings
Lol, no

Sorry. buzzfeed

5. Passive Aggression
Do we all want to be mature, socially responsible adults that own/understand the concept of Mason Jars? Sure. Are we?

Sometimes the person you wish to speak to has vanished for reasons that can be described, not inaccurately, as childish. Depending on their level of self awareness, they may concede that they are indeed throwing a tantrum, all while ignoring you for the imagined slight I assure you has been magnified in their heads to "That BASTARD bought me chocolate, he's calling me a darkskin" and other logical conclusions. For those not aware that they are being passive aggressive, well, we must say a prayer. By the grace of "Thank.you*eyeroll*" go they, and it's ok.

There's really not much of a solution that can be offered here, since you are at the mercies of forces you don't yet understand. Resolving the issue depends on exactly which type of emotionally unstable banshee-person you're dealing with:

-Shower said person with attention. Some kids throw tantrums to get you to look at them and reassure them that you're still interested. Therefore, text every hour on the hour and send pictures of yourself in their clothes that you stole from their washing lines because LOVE.


-Give them their space. Some of us throw our silent tantrums because we need time away from you to not be mad at you for the reasons we literally invented two seconds ago. Chill.

6. You've outgrown each other
A sad reality. Your friend/crush/estranged clone is just not the same person they were 5 years ago when you met in the furry chatroom and neither are you. For some people, not responding to your texts is the easy, French exit type way out, as opposed to...more obvious methods.

Sorry kiddo, they're gone. Delete their number (you KNOW you're going to text that 'inside joke' to them at 3am eventually, spare both of you the awkwardness.) and try to move on. Internet hugs to you, internet hugs. 

There you have it ladies and lads, your WhatsApp chat is woefully lopsided because of one (or more) of the above reasons, BUT now you know how to fix it. Go ye forth and blow up your phone batteries by constant texting - this post is totally not sponsored by the company you'll buy your replacement phone from, promise. Until next time.


  1. I love your solutions for handling these scandalous texts

    1. Hey Almasi! I do it for the dude texting "???" 5 minutes after an unreplied to text. *Philanthropy* Thanks for stopping by. :D