*waves enthusiastically* Hi guys. I think we're at that point in our relationship where we can just get into things without discussing them before hand, which is also the best way to run your used toothbrush shop. Let's get to it, shall we?

1. Reading

All the things. My e-reader is an actual disaster zone soon to be liberated by Katniss after she gets her break up haircut game together. Yup. Peeta is eaten by a flock of wild geese before they can get married. Spoiler alert.
I just finished Daryl Gregory's "Pandemonium", while being at varying stages of working my way through Murakami's "Hard-boiled Wonderland & the End of the World", "The Reapers Are Angels" by Alden Bell, and "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" by Philip K. Dick.
Also dabbling in "Cats Cradle" and "Slaughter House Five" by Kurt Vonnegut (finished his "2BR02B" and it was amaze) and of course, "The Great Gatsby" by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
You would not be wrong in accusing me of having the attention span of your average meth-addicted squirrel. I'm seeing a professional, okay? Just...just give me time, we can work through this..together.

Me, right now. My jaw froze that way. Nathan Biberdorf / Wordpress

2. Watching

Star vs The Forces of Evil! This show, you guys!! With a protagonist named "Star Butterfly", you come in not expecting much, which is about when your legs are swept out from under you. With a powerful, self sufficient, unapologetically bad ass and girly female lead, and an ethnically diverse supporting cast, funny blends well with emotional and also complete fanciful inter-dimensional nonsense. Did I mention this is a cartoon? Animation on fleek, people. Get to watching.

3. Feeling

The ice cold grip of my old friend, insomnia. Oh well, more time to watch "Daily Lives of High School Boys", write Supernatural fanfic featuring Dr. House and proclaim my undying love for Soren Bowie across all social media channels available. Y'know, healthy, normal adult stuff.
'til we meet again, my doves. Xo Xo, Gossi-...wait, no. 

Everyone likes book reviews. They're a quick and easy way to tell if you should read a book you're on the fence about, and sometimes they have instructions on opening portals to alternate dimensions where you always look best in group photos. There are those among us that are talented at condensing key plot points or stylistic devices, in a way that immerses you into the world of the book, while leaving enough suspense to make you want to go read it yourself. We call them "Excellent Reviewers" or "People That Need to Stop Being Amazing". Then there's the other camp that lays out every plot twist in the most flat and unappetizing way possible. These are the worst and we will not speak of them for they desecrate the work of the mortal gods that write.

Individual Credits Below.

In spite of my own personal deficiencies in review prowess, and knowing how difficult it is to introduce a reader to a book you love, there are those that are just too good to let go of without shouting from the rooftops, hence the review attempts scattered all over here.
There are, however, books that this reporter has loved, but recognizes that no amount of masterful summarizing can ever do justice. *"Guardians of the Galaxy" theme song plays* The following are those books:

1. "The Girl With All The Gifts" by M.R. Carey

This book is beyond incredible. Post-apocalyptic worlds and a plot that slowly sucks you in...before jumping out from behind a corner and smacking you across the face with a crowbar. It's a journey, this: a beautifully written journey that will very much creep you out. There is no way to review this while preserving the suspense, so I'll let Goodreads do the introduction, here.

2. "The Hitchiker's Guide to The Galaxy" by Douglas Adams

This is a Monty Python sketch you can read. Impossibly funny, chock full of twists and shamelessly English, the only plausible summary of this book is "What...the fuck. What the fuck?" followed by uproarious laughter. Stop reviewing this book (and others in the series, probably), but definitely keep quoting it. #DontPanic Find a proper description here.

3. "Suckers" by Z. Rider

Yup, this is on a list of books no review could ever do right by about 3 seconds after a review by yours truly went up; hypocrisy is real and also let me live. Thing is, though, there are two other versions of this review lurking somewhere in my drafts folders. It was that hard putting into words exactly what I enjoyed about this book, because there was SO much, a lot of which I still don't understand how to explain to date. A review had to be done, however, because as we agreed above, some books are too good to not talk about. So here we are. A proper description is here.

4. "A Scanner Darkly" by Philip K. Dick

Speculative fiction, I'm alright with, but out and out science fiction often goes completely over my head. That's why this book caught me so completely by surprise. Truth be told, there were large swathes of it that I straight up skipped- like the parts in German, what was that about? The works of Philip K. Dick generally leave me feeling like I just ate tinsel during a rave, but this. THIS. You guys. Just... 
Description here

5. "The Ocean At The End of The Lane" by Neil Gaiman

Have I mentioned that Neil Gaiman is a genius? If I haven't allow me to do so now. This book had made its debut on one of our shawarmy adventures here and its shine is yet to wear off. An official synopsis can be found here, but the story starts...with....

*remembers plot*
*bursts into fresh tears*
*is unable to complete entry*
*skips ahead to the next point*

6. "The Rook" by Daniel O'Malley (The Checquy Files #1)

By far the best thing about this book is the flawless world building. I stand before you a sworn avoider of book series (that are not Animorphs or Goosebumps) that actively wants to read the rest of the books that come after this one. O'Malley knows how to set a stage like no one else.
Find a summary of the book here, but go into it knowing the Mary Sue is strong in this one, the protagonist is not super likeable and some of the dialogue is...lol. You should still read it, though, because there is a character named Gestalt who is everything. 

Right, there you have it. For reviews that aren't reviews and a possible plea for a revolution to make book summaries consist solely of "YOU SHOULD READ THIS" with an appropriate number of exclamation marks, this has been Evey G. Namaste, beloveds.

Insert frantic waving here. Hello dudes, dudettes and the possibly empty room I'm presently yelling into. Welcome one and all to another in a long line of misleadingly titled WEEKLY SHAWARMA! Since I'm a safe distance away from you, dear reader, you'll simply have to imagine the shower of balloons and indoor fireworks that went with that capslock abuse. Let's get to it.

1. Watching

All the YouTube. All of it. You know the scene in "Her" when Scarlett Joperatingsystem finally leaves to go become part of the internet? That's me, now. I know everything. I also was probably drinking while watching that movie.

There are too many perf channels with so much incredible content (Dr. Horrible shout out!), but your host for the evening is reaaaally getting into OnlyLeigh right now. Behold.

Hashtag flawliss. Go check it out. Literally right now. Your neighbour won't mind.

2. Reading

Holly Madison's memoir, "Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny". Ye can find the synopsis here.

If this seems like a random choice...it was. I'll admit I never really gave Holly much thought, never watched either of her shows when they were on telly, etc, but the book was pleasant. Creepy as hell (there are things we never needed to know about the Playboy mansion), but pleasant. 
Some parts did seem to play up Holly as an IRL Mary Sue, but overall, you kind of see where she was coming from. I dunno, the book was ok.

3. Really Getting Into

Hershey's milk chocolate with almonds bar. Went to Tuskys to get my usual Toblerone white, or failing that, a Milky Bar but they were out of BOTH. The inhumanity. Also, I lied, I was definitely going to buy both types of chocolate.

Anywayyy, disappointed and convinced that happiness was just a cruel illusion, Evey G. decided to get a Hershey's bar instead. Real talk, each time I've bought one, I've intended to take a pic...but completely zoned out and ate them in a trance state before I could. Why yes, I do have a problem, thanks for noticing.

I'm going to go over here and continue being an adult now, please see yourselves out. Until next time, Kisses!

Photo credits below.

Aloha good people, and what it do. Yours truly decided to undo her long suffering box braids this weekend all by her lonesome: an all night long endeavour that calls for an arsenal of snackables (banana crisps ftw!), a pillow fort and of course, entertainment.
Now, if you're thinking "How better to stay awake all night than in the throes of complete terror, jumping at every random sound", you sir/ma'am/sentient potato, have the right idea. Armed with this train of thought, this reporter proceeded to gather unto herself the following iconic films and got down to it.

1. Dracula (1931)

Obvious hipster pick. Some of the scenes intended to be scary-  like Dracula's slow motion exit from his coffin, or shots of the lair, featuring a random possum- are admittedly hilarious from the 2015 perspective, but I am still a fan.

"Bela Lugosi changed the vampire movie genre by single-handedly bringing suave sophistication back to what Nosferatu and ancient lore made a disgusting monster."
-My Sanctimonious Opinion (2015)

The film still has a high, if unintentional creep factor, though: this drags it into the right side of horror movie history in that disjointed Old Hollywood way.
Rating: 4.73 stars out of 5
Bonus: Viewing party for "Nosferatu"? Guys, we can do this.

2. The Voices (2014)

Where to start. The film is about a kindly factory worker (played by Ryan Reynolds who COMPLETELY knocks it out of the park on this one) who we come to find out is very mentally unwell and what comes of this. The film is actually laugh out loud funny in some parts, which given the subject matter, is straight up heroic on the writer's part.

This movie is incredible for a couple of reasons. First, as a lifelong fan of Criminal Minds, you come to (rightly) view serial killers as vile monsters, driven by forces we can't properly understand. With The Voices we get a behind-the-scenes view of what exactly goes on in the minds of these people responsible for some of the strangest, most disgusting crimes in history. It's not often you're sympathetic of and almost cheering for the serial murderer but this movie takes you there.

There's a scene in which the psychiatrist explains to Jerry that much as he hears voices in his head, so do we. The voice telling you you can't succeed, the voice calling you fat, the voice calling you unworthy of love. We all hear the whispers, maybe not telling us to murder our friends, but they're there all the same: and the best we can do is argue back and prove them wrong.

It's pretty amazing the balance they manage to strike between telling an overall gruesome story, without being dark and depressing. In the back of your mind, you know we're seeing through Jerry's eyes and things are not as they seem- but you WANT to stay in that rosy perspective, not deal with reality. Exactly like Jerry does. Yup. You just found the killer relatable.

A lot of this is because of Ryan Reynolds. This incredibly funny and unreasonably hot actor transforming into a sad, likeable if slightly pathetic protagonist (antagonist?) is a feat that should not be possible. Reynolds is heartbreaking, which could have made for a downer of a film, but his sunny perspective keeps everything upbeat and optimistic.

Rating: 72 stars out of 5
As a cat lady, I do kinda object to Mr. Whiskers being the voice of all the murder urges. Hearing "ridiculous peasant" in a gruff Irish accent, though? Priceless.

3. The Perfect Guy (2015)

Ok, so this isn't out yet, but, I did watch the trailer (HERE) and I am already among the top 5 stans globally.
The plot seems pretty formulaic for this genre of movies.
Michael Ealy and Michael Ealy's blue eyes start out as the too good to be true rebound guy for the woman that just broke up with Insensitive Morris Chestnut, but things quickly take a left turn and keep going into oblivion.
As someone who loved and was terrorized by Hillary Swank and Jeffrey Dean Morgan's The Resident, movies like this are always a little bit more scary because it's not some supernatural evil: this happens in real life. So, fantastic first date movie.

Rating: Predicted 4.21743 out of 5 stars
Almost enough to get me to the theatre to watch it. Almost.

4. The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Joss Whedon. Enough said. But I'll keep talking. The premise is amazing: an old Hollywood mainstay adapted to reflect the modern reality. Dialogue naturally on point, Chris Hemsworth, gratuitous boobies and a tweeeest ending all wrapped in jump scares galore.
This starts out as a generic horror movie but spins into a meta, psychological thriller mindf*ck INSIDE the horror movie and it's beautiful. Get. On. It.

Rating: WhedonCannotBeQuestioned out of 5 stars
Seriously. He's like Beyonce. Don't do it.

5. The Thing (2011)

Alright, so this wasn't necessarily watched during the great Hair All Nighter of 2015, but it was wisely watched at 03:00am on a different insomniac night, so it still counts.
Remakes generally get a lot of flack for blaspheming the source material, but your resident 90s kid has yet to watch the original so *Kanye shrug*.
Plus, given the choice, in most cases I'll go for the remake since they probably have the budget and CGI to take the original concepts to the next level, sooo *second Kanye shrug*
The horror of this movie was not in the alien killer monster thingie, it was in the "anyone you know and trust could be an imposter alien monster thing". This and other body snatcher movies are literally the worst type of horror because it plays on and amplifies your base fear of being completely alone, able to trust only yourself.
Like any storm cloud, however, this has a silver lining: rampant flame-thrower murder! So maybe not so bad?

Rating: 4.3 out of 5 stars
Ramona Flowers is doing great since the break up.

Right, for nocturnal activities of a questionable nature and keeping the lights on all night, this has been Evey G. Sleep tight, folks.
Here we are folks: a review of "Suckers" by the incredible, possible secret goth deity from outer space, Z. Rider (on Twitter here!). This review had initially been put up TWICE but had to be pulled due to technical difficulties so no, you weren't hallucinating that.

Your friendly neighbourhood Sana Solo impersonator has since had time to sit with her thoughts and redo this review to properly honour the book. Let's get into it, yeah? NO SPOILERS.

"Suckers" starts with a musician in a semi-successful band, Dan Ferry, walking back to his hotel with a bandmate and cutting through an alley, which is where everything immediately goes to hell. To quote Goodreads:

Now terrified of what will happen if he doesn't get his fix--and terrified of what he'll do to get it-- he turns to his best friend and bandmate (from the alley!), Ray Ford for help.
But what the two don't know as they try to keep Dan's situation quiet is that the parasite driving Dan's addiction to human blood has the potential to wipe put mankind.

I know, right? Seriously, you guys. *froths at the mouth* Here's everything you need to know about this book:

What You Will LOVE

1. The Concept. This is a fresh take and great new perspective on a genre that is very easy to get wrong. The author manages to take a great story and wrap it around an excellent idea in a way that's enjoyable to read and try to figure out. Speaking of which...

2. The Tweeests. There is no spoiler-free way to comment on this, but suffice it to say, WOW. That, ladies and gents is how you turn a surprise corner without spinning into "unnecessary and also please don't".

3. The Characters. On some level, it feels like these are actually people the author knows in real life. This raises the unfortunate possibility that Rider is actually from the near future where this may be the fate that awaits the human race. O____o
The characters are very human: deeply flawed, kind of awful people, but with important (very few) redeeming graces, just like you and me! Mostly you.

4. Good Scary. The most enjoyable part of this book will be the relatable horror. The way the story is written is deeply immersive: you feel like you could wake up tomorrow and this could be your reality, on either side of the coin. A horror movie with some fantastical beast is a good time, but it's the movies that seem like REAL things that could happen to you that's the most unnerving and insidious. Hats off. Which brings us to...

5. The Realism. Characters grounded in actual human behaviour, no Mary Sue's, no dramatic government rescues: "Suckers" does a lot to show what real, average humans would do in the face of the literal nightmare that their world suddenly becomes. Everything plays out exactly how you would theoretically expect it to in present day Earth. Again, WOW.

What You Won't Like

Obviously, you will grow to stan incredibly hard for this book once you're done. Your one possible complaint might be that the book is a bit slow to start. You'll understand that the author needs to make us live the experience and appreciate it later in the book, and of course the pacing gets much better the deeper you go in, but yeah, the start might bother you a little.

An obvious 25 out of 10 stars. Read it, you must.

For Monday Like a Sir, this has been Evey G. Mwah, my minions.


Ok, can we just take a moment to talk about that ending? Where they went with Ray's story had me so bothered, I literally wrote a fanfic alternate ending in which Ray survived. LITERALLY. Maybe he was saved by a new character who is also a blogger that likes anime and looked a lot like yours truly, the world will never know. Months and months later, I'm still horrified, but excited to read the sequel with the terror worm things that are the next wave after this initial one.
Also, real talk? If that was my life, I'd live as best I could until I got infected, then attack a military installation in a blood lust rage so they'd kill me since I'd be too chicken to do it my self, ok?
In summary, Z. Rider (who is actually incredibly nice and funny on email & Twitter) had this all the way right and we are now eternal fans. Spread the gospel!

Buenos freezing coldos, mis amigos! With the change in the weather comes a shift in the cosmic tides that must align for a dose of Weekly Shawarma- leggo!

1. Reading
All the things. Seriously. Early last month I got into an incredible book called "The Girl With All The Gifts", which I cannot wait to talk about up in hurr. The problem with books that get you emotionally invested is the aftermath: when you're entirely too drained to start another book properly so you kind of taper off on the Goodreads Challenge? Yeah.
To counter this, I started on a bunch of shorter novellas, and where better to head to than long beloved classics. From "Breakfast at Tiffany's" to "The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy" (the first book) I haz read alla the things.
Currently, I'm wrapping up on Neil Gaiman's "The Ocean At The End of The Lane" and you guys? You guys. WOW. I just..I need a moment. *weeping heard off stage*

2. Watching
Someone recommended a series called "Scorpion" to me, about this genius hacker and his genius team of geniuses who genius harder than all the other geniuses. ...Geniuii? Whatever. Point is, it is the WORST and I'm loading episode 5 as we speak.
Honurable mention- Cutting It: In The ATL.

3. Living For
Summaries! There are actually so many of the things y'all need to be enjoying, I believe a "Best of" post is in order. The main advantage of being an indoors cat who will viciously slice your face open if you try to drag me into the sun is all the really excellent stuff you discover as far as TV and books are concerned. Yiss. Stay tuned.
For shamelessly delayed posts and absolutely blowing your mind with amazing recommendations, this has been Evey G.

Buenos noches, good people. And yes, that is most assuredly an incorrect spelling. Apologies for the absence all around: we'd give an excuse but we all know it's because your fave keyboard warrior is a vastly irresponsible slacker, so. Let's get to it!

1. Listening To

Speaking of problematic faves, Fist Brown (copyright - Micheal K) may be 7 different, exotic kinds of douchebag, but a dude can make music. Enjoy the track below as you contemplate our mutual hypocrisy.

2. Reading

One of those old books/movies/authors you hear about but have yet to experience personally, I haz decided to read Ray Bradbury and so far, no complaints. In serious lack of current/contemporary books to read at present: have the literary gods abandoned me? :O

Also, seriously considering getting a bunch of audiobooks for next month to jump start my reading again, should attention span and shameful phone battery life hold out. You know how you get a book and you just know you'll never finish it so you're left looking for any strategy possible to get through it? Next option is finding someone to actively read it to me and poke me with a pencil when I drift off. Audition dates & location to be announced.

3. Being Super Dramatic About

This flu because THIS IS ACTUALLY THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN HISTORY. Srsly, guise. 100% have not left the house all weekend in a bid to get back to fighting health. Research on curing the flu shows that the best way to get over it is to inject orange juice directly into my bloodstream for maximum Vitamin C, so I guess I have to buy oranges now? *shrugs*

For the first shawarma in a laughably long time, 'tis Evey G. Mwah, bishhhes.
So, you're five months into 2015 and yet to set foot inside a gym/eaten pizza right out of the box while walking past a gym. We get it: some resolutions are harder to keep than others, especially when you happen to be broke and/or lazy. Broke here meaning anything from "literally my wallet is just full of receipts" to "I actually have a tidy sum in my account, but it's earmarked for something else so technicallllly, I'm broke".
Worry not, fair citizens: when it comes to doing anything on a (practically non-existent) budget, you know who gotchu? Us. The answer is obviously "us".

Original Image: Pinterest

Aside from "low blood pressure", "proper heart function" and other fairy tales spun by 'Doctors', there are more immediate effects to being at least a little fit. Being less tired, for instance. You know what people who aren't completely fatigued for no reason every day can do? That's right: walk to the supermarket to buy more whiskey. Being less grumpy, better skin for reasons we have yet to understand, and other little things that count for a LOT. Basically, no one is asking you to be a bodybuilder- we just want you to be able to dance to a David Guetta song in it's entirety without needing a sit down break half way through.


Yup, your first stop is your phone. There are a lot of great, free options available for your mobile OS of choice, but my personal favourite is Sworkit.
This is available for Android, iPad and iPhone as a paid app or the Lite version for fuhree here.

You have four exercise types to choose from: within each, there are various postures or exercises conveniently bundled into 5 minute-long mini 'workouts'. All of these have instructional images & a voice coach walking you through your session.
Additionally, it doesn't require your email address or log in, unlike the following runners up which are also popular across the interwebs: Workout Trainer and Nike+ Training Club.

If you prefer a purely Yoga experience, Daily Yoga is hands down the best app out there. This comes as an original free app, within which there are plug ins that you download depending on your interest. Some plug ins are premium, but the majority are free and focused on specific routines/body parts.
The best part are the instructional videos (within the app) showing exactly what to do, along with detailed voice guidance, making it perfect for beginners. 
For those with such concerns, there is no spiritual, trance stuff involved: this is 100% about exercise.


Yes, the den of iniquity and cat videos that is YouTube. In a testament to human laziness, typing "5 minute workout/stretch/yoga/cardio" or whatever other exercise you can think of will yield a world of results to suit your particular needs. It's... *sniffs* it's beautiful.

If you're just starting out on the basics of not being a medical disaster, you might want to start slow: Fitness Blender has an excellent variety of work outs, exercise tips and stretches. Videos range from 6 minutes long to a full work out at 1 hour 20 minutes, which LOL.
If your interests lie more in overall wellness rather than breaking a sweat, Tara Stiles over at Livestrong Woman is a revelation for her 5 minute yoga series that are delightfully easy to follow.

Designing Your Routine

A few tips, furry friends:
-Remember, fit does not have to mean abs. feeling fit (by our standards which your doctor would probably not agree with) doesn't have to mean 05:00am jogging and two hour work outs after work. A basic 5 minutes a day counts for a lot and can be your thing; it can also be a base to expand to 10 minutes a day. Then 30 minutes. Then 2 hours. -Then 27 hours a day. And so on and so forth.

-As far as a work out plan, go by your needs. If you walk around a lot during the day, focus more on stretches, yoga, pilates, tai chi and so on: things are relatively easier on the body and help you recover from the physical activity. If you spend your day seated, maybe drift towards aerobics and get that heart rate up.

-VARY YOUR SCHEDULE. Keep your exercise experience fresh. Mondays are for yoga? Make Wednesday about strength training. Come Friday, put on Chris Brown's "Turn Up The Music" on and try to follow their choreography (this counts as aerobics and no one can tell us otherwise). Switching up your timetable can stave off boredom & help you stay committed to your fitness goals.

-Get all the help you need. You can put together an exercise playlist to keep you in the moment (or choose from the millions online). If you're having trouble getting started, motivational videos will not fail you. Motivation Grid does good work, as does Absolute Motivation. No shame in the game folks, you do what you gotta do.

Obviously, by starting off here, you'll be totally buff/ripped in 3 days flat; that's just how science works. In case you aren't, however, keep at it and think of the entire internet silently judging you for giving up on Day 2. For questionable advice and #CheapskateTips, this has been Evey G.

Oi. Vey. ohmymag

It's a bit past 01:00am and your favourite local Spiderman stan is wide awake due to a wonderful combination of general insomnia (the true cat lady's affliction) and orthodontic discomfort (screaming pain) that may make Saturday an official "Stay indoors and vegetate" day. Ok, good people, a beautiful week comes to a random end: let's get to it.

1. Reading

Everything all at the same time because prioritizing is your entire face. The hard copy books are less accusing than the e-reader ones, which clearly note which page you are on and when you last accessed the book. Guilt trip? Flawless. Yet, friends, yet. I need new books. I haven't been to the bookshop in ages and it's just an itch, I don't know how to explain beyond the terms of an addiction. Does anyone else live this torture? We can start a support group- I know where to get cupcakes for our meetings. We can figure this out, folks.

My actual shower. skepticlawyer

2. Watching

"Shahs of Sunset" because I need to cleanse my palate after what Criminal Minds pulled with that "Mr. Scratch" episode yesterday. Those writers (and my dear husband who directed it, Matthew Grey Gubler) are petty, evil & inconsiderate and I am here for it. Also, pretty sure I just found the perfect dress, makeup and manicure for all weddings I'm invited to between now and August.

On fleek. Twirra

3. Processing 

Today I had a nice early dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in ages who's in Town for a few days (for my Kenyan spambots, at Loita street). By around 07:40pm we were done and walking down a very well lit, populated and safe area of Town when I heard a thump, then saw my friend attempt to duck and clutch her purse to her torso. Then it was a line of sympathetic 'sorry's from other pedestrians and a "That guy didn't look right in the head". Confused? So the heck was I.

About half a second before the commotion, a guy in dark pants, grey sweater/sweatshirt and a stained grey cap had walked by us and my friend started to regain her bearings, I saw him walk calmly away from us- holding a semi-concealed rectangular object in his hand.

Initially, I assumed was my friend's phone but a quick glance at her confirmed she still had that and all her belongings. The "object" in the man's hand was actually a brick.

As it turns out, this completely random psycho - who none of us had ever seen before - had walked up to us, then calmly proceeded to bash my friend in the forehead with said brick (the thump I heard at first). Presumably guided by voices from an alternate dimension, this dude then melted into the crowd before anyone could think to react.

...guys. Guys. WHAT THE FUCK????

What in the name of all things bizarre, random and unnecessary? This guy, for all intents and purposes, seemed completely normal. You'd notice threatening body language, or even someone that could possibly be mentally imbalanced, from a good enough distance away because you're always on high alert in Nairobi. This dude slipped right through the cracks and somehow managed to look completely normal up until he nonchalantly swung that brick then receded into the shadows.

Not only am I completely baffled (he made no attempt to steal anything or further harm my dear friend: the hit was a hit for it's own sake), I'm also terrified. When your ability to spot a danger is called into question, that means every passing face is a potential assault waiting to happen. If all you had to help you feel safe was the knowledge that you'd see harm coming in time to get away; and that's taken away from you...what happens next?

Also, and say it with me, WTF???????

My friend seemed okay afterwards- a little dazed but she's a strong woman, she'll be fine.

Since there's no way to end this that doesn't include me coming to your house and refusing to leave without a full time body guard at your expense, we shall opt for the abrupt ending. For this week's edition, this has been Evey G, writing from the Twilight zone. Have a rational weekend.

Everyone knows that the fastest, most indisputable way to prove that you are extremely classy & much better than everyone else in the room is to quote classic novels. Obviously.
The problem is usually how to get them when you're spending most of your budget on buying action figures of the Fast & Furious 7 cast. We understand, and we gotchu. #CheapskateTips

Gangster Cat
Cheapskate Game STRONG. pixgood

The good news is, most classic books are now Public Domain, which means it is completely within the law to distribute/acquire them, making them available all over the internet.
Walk with us for how to get your mitts on said books 100% for free so you too, can live Like a Sir.

First Things First

The internet can be a cruel, scary place.
With downloading things from the internet, whatever it may be, there's always the risk of getting a nasty virus that will brick your phone or computer.

Ryan The Office Threat
This is where you start taking notes. mtv

One easy way to get around this is to go to your browser settings under "downloads" & make it so every download has to be approved before saving. Then, make a point of checking the format tag of the download: anything ending in ".exe" is pretty much guaranteed to be a malicious program (virus in Swahili) and all you have to do is click "cancel".

Also, if you'd like to use e-books but not buy a dedicated device to read them (for convenience or because you're a card carrying cheapskate like yours truly), you always have your phone.
Essentially every OS out there has e-reader apps you can download for free & bring your books with you wherever you are.

One good one I've had for ages is FB Reader, though recent unnecessary & unfortunate updates have had me switch to Aldiko, which continues to serve me well. Which brings us to:


Smart phone scroll

Some (deathly awesome) e-readers, like the very same Aldiko, have the provision to let you download a decent selection of free books directly from within the app. 

Simply searching your specific app store for free books should yield results as well: for Android, I've used Moon+ Reader with decent results and LibriVox during an audio book phase. Apple and Windows phone users, please feel free to share some of the free book apps you've found on your side as well. Thank you!


Cat on computer better than you
We've established that if you're reading this, you are a literal cat. weknowgifs

There are an eleventyfive million sites where you can search for, learn about and download books that you'll be awkwardly referencing at children's birthday parties for years to come. Thus far, these sites have never failed me:

All five are searchable sites that have books in pretty much any format your e-reader takes. I've been using them sites for years and can personally vouch for their quality, variety and lack of viruses/programs that can otherwise harm your dear electronics.

This is not to say that there are no other options: a  very comprehensive list of e-book resources by genre and book format can be found here on Gecko and Fly, but aside from the above named Big Five, we cannot speak to the safety/free download availability of each individual site mentioned therein. Do make a point of checking it out, though: there is some useful information on searching for books online and you might find your new favourite download source either way. 

Righto, for Monday Like A Sir, this has been Evey G. Cheerio, and remember:

Marceline Fin peck
Yes, you specifically. Call me. giphy

TV Series You Should Be Watching
Individual pic credits, below.

Ok, full disclosure: this post was meant to be 112% about our first entry, "The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt". There's just so much to be said about the show that it might actually warrant its own religion. However, because we love you and want you to #Prosper, enjoy a few extra bonus recommendations that will revolutionize your TV viewing and influence how much you believe hyperbolic promises published on your favourite blogs. Leggo!

1. The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Obviously. The show (from the brilliant mind of TINA EFFIN FEY) is about the titular *heu heu heu* protagonist, Kimmy, who was kidnapped as a teenager and held in an underground bunker apocalyptic cult for 15 years by a (surprise guest star!) nutburger with three other women. The show picks up with the women being rescued and their return to normal society.

This was dropped on Netflix, which means the entire season is available for one hermit, shower-free, all day binge watch and it. is. GENIUS.
You will guaranteed laugh-cry at the soffisicaided humour, which comes wit a bit of darkness true to the actual horror of the situation, and some of the most fantastic characters possibly written. Seriously. Just click here.


2. Daredevil


Have not actually watched this, but everyone keeps hyping it so if I have to watch it, so do you. Mwah!

3. iZombie


Yes, I can't with the title either, BUT the show is spectacular. Surprisingly funny in that dry humour way, and at the same time dramatic/suspenseful/thrilling, after the first episode, I was sold. The fact that zombies are the central theme of the series means it has ties to horror, but not "cover your face and wait for the jump scare" horror. This is more of a "be nervous to close your eyes when washing your face afterwards" horror- the kind that sneaks up on you when you're already done with the episode, i.e the best kind.

The plot is about Liv, a medical resident who goes to a boat party where a designer drug triggers zombie symptoms in the users, gets scratched and wakes up an in-control, very human, cogent zombie. She eats brains, you guys, and it's the best. Watch! Watch! Watch!

4. Ridiculousness


If you like watching other people hurt themselves (and each other) in spectacular fails at life, plus stupid funny commentary from bae (aka Rob Dyrdek), other bae (aka Steelo Brimm) and blonde bae (aka Channel West Coast) and their variety of guest hosts, there is no reason why you aren't watching this clip show.

If you're laughing, YOU ARE AWFUL

Seriously, this show is... *becomes very emotional*.Also, you're a monster because you enjoy watching people hurt themselves and other people, shame on you.

5. Black Mirror 

Black Mirror

Most hipster show on this list. Think a collection of independent stories per episode (like the Twilight Zone). "Black Mirror" is the kind of show that makes you want to be a writer, you know? Stunningly original ideas that will make you weep for your own mediocre imagination, they manage to make a show that's entertaining, but also makes you really think. This twisted, twisted series will bother you and you will love it.

Bonus: Samurai Pizza Cats

Samurai Pizza Cats

Shhhhhhhhhhh, beloved, shhhhhh. Just go with it. I will hype this until everyone on the internet goes on YouTube to watch this and it becomes popular again and the cast of "The Avengers" make a live action movie of it. Dreams. can. come. true.

Aaaaanywhooo, for promises kept and wonderful shows you have to watch or else we're not friends anymore, this has been your Pop Culture guide, Evey G. Peace!

Introductory paragraphs are your face! Because planning is for wusses and your resident neighbourhood "too lazy to be a proper stalker" is feeling particularly inspired tahday. Walk with me:

1. Reading

Z Rider Suckers e-book
moar info here --> Z.RiderWriter.com

"Suckers" by Z. Rider! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaass! I'd mentioned this book before at the top of my Want To Read list with a bullet, and like any mature adult, I hopped on Twitter to offer my soul in exchange for a copy. Guess who's on Twitter guys.

#Flawlisss on Twitter
This literally happened.

Yes, peasants, I officially made it! The actual Z. Rider sent me an actual copy of the actual book that I'm actually cracking open the second I hit "publish" here. Please respect my privacy at this time.

2. Living For 

Sleek eyebrow pencil. This one. Seriously. After a....misguided attempt at doing my own eyebrows, brow pencil is pretty much right up there with oxygen right now. I'm not nor will I ever be a makeup guru but the one thing I bother with is le brows, and concealer because ridiculous dark circles.

Prettier than you
My Tinder profile picture. hdwalls

The pencil is pricey at Kshs.230 from Super Cosmetics in Westlands (versus the usual Kshs.30 for a brow pencil from Njoro pale karibu na mat za Buru), but y'aaaaaall, worth it. I would post a picture but the 3 strands of brow hair I have left (in total) are shy, so. Moving on.

3. Stoked For

celebratory booty dance

Crashing a Sofissicaided Book Club. Le previously mentioned author/editor/CulturedYetSomehowRelatedToMe cousin has a real deal proper book club with meetings that do not quickly evolve into wine-soaked rants about why the protagonist would make a terrible baby sitter. ...I'm not saying I've ever been in such a 'book club'...I've just heard they exist...on the internet...

The book of choice for tomorrow is Meja Mwangi's "Striving For the Wind"and I cannot at all wait. #Maturing

'til next week, Mishamigos!

Timely cultural reference!