Chicken Soup For The Passive Aggressive Soul

I'm fairly easy to live with. I don't fuss over small things, rarely ever get offended by something someone said, and I'm a firm believer in settling issues on the spot and moving on. I have been called "laid back", even by people who didn't owe me money, and the people that did commend the chill way in which I broke both their legs after they failed to pay up. What I'm saying here is, I'm generally easy going.

This may be why then, people fail to comprehend that certain things bug me. Little things that may seem negligible, which is ironic since most major slights leave me completely unmoved, key of these being the rather simple act of returning items that one had borrowed.

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The great thing about having a blog is that typing up my passive aggressive rants gives them legitimacy: I'm not just a butt-hurt individual missing a mystery item, my concern is to be taken seriously because I took the time to write about it on the internet. When strangers know about your situation, it is officially a real thing.

I know you're out there nodding, bro with dreadlocks who hates when people touch them. You too, girl with just one stick of gum left and three takers hounding you. I understand, and I express my sympathy. Because we're not crazy, we just prefer to hold 6 year grudges over a book returned with a stain rather than have a fight with the jam/honey-fingered assailant.

Now for those of you reading this and thinking "Ha! I am such a better person than these crazies. I'm pretty sure that means I have Maturity Powers that come with being able to forgive. One of them was the ability to fly, right? I'll go check.", we hope your stay at the hospital was pleasant, and we're glad the casts make it impossible to stand because we have news for you: YOU ARE IN DENIAL. Yup, I see you. Every time Susan from down the street walks by, you will say hello without malice, but the very next thought to pop up in your head is "Great shoes. She must keep them in that hotpot I loaned her last Christmas".

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Understand, you wish her no ill will: while we, the Residents of PassiveAggressiva (due North of Westeros) may occasionally have vivid, frighteningly well thought out revenge plans that involve flame-throwers and anthrax-spiders, those are momentary, and we rarely mean any harm. We're just more likely to remember that one time we lent you a pencil that was returned with the top chewed up, and consequently, less likely to loan you one when next you ask. Nothing personal.

We mean you no harm at all. For realsies.survivingastroke

I would like to argue that by avoiding the discomfort and awkwardness that would come with questioning the veracity of your claim that you did, in fact, return that suitcase you borrowed for your December trip to Naxvegas (worst word ever), we are actually being very considerate; of you, and the people that would be forced to witness the debacle. We're actually fantastically nice people who always either avoid borrowing, or return promptly and in perfect condition, probably with the spine of that book professionally repaired. We hold doors open for people, we'll pay your fare in a cab, and expect nothing in return save that you offer the same kindness to the next person and make the world a better place.

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So, brethren, let us draw strength from those that came before us and find solace in the knowledge that we are not alone. I propose the formation of a support group, where the Water Dispenser Reload saga of three weeks ago can be rehashed to your heart's content and I can write you all passive aggressive emails about not using coasters in my home. We can call it "Maybe Next Time You Could...". Nah, that's too long. Maybe "Thank.you *eyeroll*". Yeah, that works. Applications for membership can be sent in via email, members will receive ironic sticky notes to facilitate the posting of catty notes to workmates/schoolmates/roommates alike. All are welcome. Except people who bite their nails then try to touch my face. No. Just....no.

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In summary, this may or may not have been a thinly-veiled "up yours" note dedicated to an individual who failed to return a mystery item that they'd borrowed or a barely disguised threat of torture to come for an individual who otherwise inconvenienced me. Or I may just understand your experience and want to put it out there in my own words, because of empathy. You be the judge. Either way, you just sat through one of my rants, which makes you an automatic member of Thank.you *eyeroll*, sooo YAY you!

Have a great weekend, and may the Patron Saint of Passive Aggressive drama and unreasonable requests be with you.

Also Patron Saint of Cat Ladies. diicaprios.tumblr

PS. Seriously, though, I just want my clicky pen back.