Oi. Vey. ohmymag

It's a bit past 01:00am and your favourite local Spiderman stan is wide awake due to a wonderful combination of general insomnia (the true cat lady's affliction) and orthodontic discomfort (screaming pain) that may make Saturday an official "Stay indoors and vegetate" day. Ok, good people, a beautiful week comes to a random end: let's get to it.

1. Reading

Everything all at the same time because prioritizing is your entire face. The hard copy books are less accusing than the e-reader ones, which clearly note which page you are on and when you last accessed the book. Guilt trip? Flawless. Yet, friends, yet. I need new books. I haven't been to the bookshop in ages and it's just an itch, I don't know how to explain beyond the terms of an addiction. Does anyone else live this torture? We can start a support group- I know where to get cupcakes for our meetings. We can figure this out, folks.

My actual shower. skepticlawyer

2. Watching

"Shahs of Sunset" because I need to cleanse my palate after what Criminal Minds pulled with that "Mr. Scratch" episode yesterday. Those writers (and my dear husband who directed it, Matthew Grey Gubler) are petty, evil & inconsiderate and I am here for it. Also, pretty sure I just found the perfect dress, makeup and manicure for all weddings I'm invited to between now and August.

On fleek. Twirra

3. Processing 

Today I had a nice early dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in ages who's in Town for a few days (for my Kenyan spambots, at Loita street). By around 07:40pm we were done and walking down a very well lit, populated and safe area of Town when I heard a thump, then saw my friend attempt to duck and clutch her purse to her torso. Then it was a line of sympathetic 'sorry's from other pedestrians and a "That guy didn't look right in the head". Confused? So the heck was I.

About half a second before the commotion, a guy in dark pants, grey sweater/sweatshirt and a stained grey cap had walked by us and my friend started to regain her bearings, I saw him walk calmly away from us- holding a semi-concealed rectangular object in his hand.

Initially, I assumed was my friend's phone but a quick glance at her confirmed she still had that and all her belongings. The "object" in the man's hand was actually a brick.

As it turns out, this completely random psycho - who none of us had ever seen before - had walked up to us, then calmly proceeded to bash my friend in the forehead with said brick (the thump I heard at first). Presumably guided by voices from an alternate dimension, this dude then melted into the crowd before anyone could think to react.

...guys. Guys. WHAT THE FUCK????

What in the name of all things bizarre, random and unnecessary? This guy, for all intents and purposes, seemed completely normal. You'd notice threatening body language, or even someone that could possibly be mentally imbalanced, from a good enough distance away because you're always on high alert in Nairobi. This dude slipped right through the cracks and somehow managed to look completely normal up until he nonchalantly swung that brick then receded into the shadows.

Not only am I completely baffled (he made no attempt to steal anything or further harm my dear friend: the hit was a hit for it's own sake), I'm also terrified. When your ability to spot a danger is called into question, that means every passing face is a potential assault waiting to happen. If all you had to help you feel safe was the knowledge that you'd see harm coming in time to get away; and that's taken away from you...what happens next?

Also, and say it with me, WTF???????

My friend seemed okay afterwards- a little dazed but she's a strong woman, she'll be fine.

Since there's no way to end this that doesn't include me coming to your house and refusing to leave without a full time body guard at your expense, we shall opt for the abrupt ending. For this week's edition, this has been Evey G, writing from the Twilight zone. Have a rational weekend.

onehallyu

Everyone knows that the fastest, most indisputable way to prove that you are extremely classy & much better than everyone else in the room is to quote classic novels. Obviously.

The problem is usually how to get them when you're spending most of your budget on buying action figures of the Fast & Furious 7 cast. We understand, and we gotchu. #CheapskateTips

Cheapskate Game STRONG. pixgood

The good news is, most classic books are now Public Domain, which means it is completely within the law to distribute/acquire them, making them available all over the internet.

Walk with us for how to get your mitts on said books 100% for free so you too, can live Like a Sir.

First Things First

The internet can be a cruel, scary place.
With downloading things from the internet, whatever it may be, there's always the risk of getting a nasty virus that will brick your phone or computer.

This is where you start taking notes. mtv

One easy way to get around this is to go to your browser settings under "downloads" & make it so every download has to be approved before saving. Then, make a point of checking the format tag of the download: anything ending in ".exe" is pretty much guaranteed to be a malicious program (virus in Swahili) and all you have to do is click "cancel".

Also, if you'd like to use e-books but not buy a dedicated device to read them (for convenience or because you're a card carrying cheapskate like yours truly), you always have your phone.
Essentially every OS out there has e-reader apps you can download for free & bring your books with you wherever you are.

One good one I've had for ages is FB Reader, though recent unnecessary & unfortunate updates have had me switch to Aldiko, which continues to serve me well. Which brings us to:

Apps

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Some (deathly awesome) e-readers, like the very same Aldiko, have the provision to let you download a decent selection of free books directly from within the app. 

Simply searching your specific app store for free books should yield results as well: for Android, I've used Moon+ Reader with decent results and LibriVox during an audio book phase. Apple and Windows phone users, please feel free to share some of the free book apps you've found on your side as well. Thank you!

Online

We've established that if you're reading this, you are a literal cat. weknowgifs

There are an eleventyfive million sites where you can search for, learn about and download books that you'll be awkwardly referencing at children's birthday parties for years to come. Thus far, these sites have never failed me:

Adelaide, Feedbooks, Epub Books, Many Books and of course, Project Gutenberg.

All five are searchable sites that have books in pretty much any format your e-reader takes. I've been using them sites for years and can personally vouch for their quality, variety and lack of viruses/programs that can otherwise harm your dear electronics.

This is not to say that there are no other options: a  very comprehensive list of e-book resources by genre and book format can be found here on Gecko and Fly, but aside from the above named Big Five, we cannot speak to the safety/free download availability of each individual site mentioned therein. Do make a point of checking it out, though: there is some useful information on searching for books online and you might find your new favourite download source either way. 

Righto, for Monday Like A Sir, this has been Evey G. Cheerio, and remember:

Yes, you specifically. Call me. giphy

Individual pic credits, below.

Ok, full disclosure: this post was meant to be 112% about our first entry, "The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt". There's just so much to be said about the show that it might actually warrant its own religion. However, because we love you and want you to #Prosper, enjoy a few extra bonus recommendations that will revolutionize your TV viewing and influence how much you believe hyperbolic promises published on your favourite blogs. Leggo!

1. The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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Obviously. The show (from the brilliant mind of TINA EFFIN FEY) is about the titular *heu heu heu* protagonist, Kimmy, who was kidnapped as a teenager and held in an underground bunker apocalyptic cult for 15 years by a (surprise guest star!) nutburger with three other women. The show picks up with the women being rescued and their return to normal society.

This was dropped on Netflix, which means the entire season is available for one hermit, shower-free, all day binge watch and it. is. GENIUS.
You will guaranteed laugh-cry at the soffisicaided humour, which comes wit a bit of darkness true to the actual horror of the situation, and some of the most fantastic characters possibly written. Seriously. Just click here.

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2. Daredevil

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Have not actually watched this, but everyone keeps hyping it so if I have to watch it, so do you. Mwah!

3. iZombie

havetoseetv

Yes, I can't with the title either, BUT the show is spectacular. Surprisingly funny in that dry humour way, and at the same time dramatic/suspenseful/thrilling, after the first episode, I was sold. The fact that zombies are the central theme of the series means it has ties to horror, but not "cover your face and wait for the jump scare" horror. This is more of a "be nervous to close your eyes when washing your face afterwards" horror- the kind that sneaks up on you when you're already done with the episode, i.e the best kind.

The plot is about Liv, a medical resident who goes to a boat party where a designer drug triggers zombie symptoms in the users, gets scratched and wakes up an in-control, very human, cogent zombie. She eats brains, you guys, and it's the best. Watch! Watch! Watch!

4. Ridiculousness

EmmKayyProductions on DeviantArt

If you like watching other people hurt themselves (and each other) in spectacular fails at life, plus stupid funny commentary from bae (aka Rob Dyrdek), other bae (aka Steelo Brimm) and blonde bae (aka Channel West Coast) and their variety of guest hosts, there is no reason why you aren't watching this clip show.

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Seriously, this show is... *becomes very emotional*.Also, you're a monster because you enjoy watching people hurt themselves and other people, shame on you.

5. Black Mirror 

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Most hipster show on this list. Think a collection of independent stories per episode (like the Twilight Zone). "Black Mirror" is the kind of show that makes you want to be a writer, you know? Stunningly original ideas that will make you weep for your own mediocre imagination, they manage to make a show that's entertaining, but also makes you really think. This twisted, twisted series will bother you and you will love it.

Bonus: Samurai Pizza Cats

madman

Shhhhhhhhhhh, beloved, shhhhhh. Just go with it. I will hype this until everyone on the internet goes on YouTube to watch this and it becomes popular again and the cast of "The Avengers" make a live action movie of it. Dreams. can. come. true.


Aaaaanywhooo, for promises kept and wonderful shows you have to watch or else we're not friends anymore, this has been your Pop Culture guide, Evey G. Peace!

Introductory paragraphs are your face! Because planning is for wusses and your resident neighbourhood "too lazy to be a proper stalker" is feeling particularly inspired tahday. Walk with me:

1. Reading

moar info here --> Z.RiderWriter.com

"Suckers" by Z. Rider! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaass! I'd mentioned this book before at the top of my Want To Read list with a bullet, and like any mature adult, I hopped on Twitter to offer my soul in exchange for a copy. Guess who's on Twitter guys.

This literally happened.

Yes, peasants, I officially made it! The actual Z. Rider sent me an actual copy of the actual book that I'm actually cracking open the second I hit "publish" here. Please respect my privacy at this time.

2. Living For 

Sleek eyebrow pencil. This one. Seriously. After a....misguided attempt at doing my own eyebrows, brow pencil is pretty much right up there with oxygen right now. I'm not nor will I ever be a makeup guru but the one thing I bother with is le brows, and concealer because ridiculous dark circles.

My Tinder profile picture. hdwalls

The pencil is pricey at Kshs.230 from Super Cosmetics in Westlands (versus the usual Kshs.30 for a brow pencil from Njoro pale karibu na mat za Buru), but y'aaaaaall, worth it. I would post a picture but the 3 strands of brow hair I have left (in total) are shy, so. Moving on.

3. Stoked For

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Crashing a Sofissicaided Book Club. Le previously mentioned author/editor/CulturedYetSomehowRelatedToMe cousin has a real deal proper book club with meetings that do not quickly evolve into wine-soaked rants about why the protagonist would make a terrible baby sitter. ...I'm not saying I've ever been in such a 'book club'...I've just heard they exist...on the internet...

The book of choice for tomorrow is Meja Mwangi's "Striving For the Wind"and I cannot at all wait. #Maturing

'til next week, Mishamigos!

nmsp6

Top of the morning (shut up) to you, my devoted spambots! Incidentally, I say this to every potential paramour I meet, hoping that one day someone will actually answer correctly then we can move to Zanzibar together & adopt several cats. It's like the Cinderella's slipper, with extra pretentious sauce.
Now that you've thoroughly forgotten what you were even on here for, let's get started, shall we?

1. Reading

Art, by Evey G.

A couple of months ago, my author/editor/avid reader cousin and I went to dinner and wound up in an argument (probably) about Africans writers: she, a devout priestess in the cult of Chimamanda and I, a rabid supporter of most things Meja Mwangi.
A tentative truce was reached wherein she agreed to read "Striving for the Wind" if I picked up a copy of "Americanah". Imagine my ragret when she got it over Easter.

Here's the thing: I have never and had no intention to ever read a Chimamanda book. There's simply no way her writing can possibly live up to the hype in my head at this point. Also, I watched her TED Talk and real talk...it was meh. Not that it was bad, it was just ordinary. This is to say that nothing jumped out at me- it seemed like a rehash of a lot of the same thing we see/hear online. The talk is funny and entertaining but from where I sit, nothing earth-shattering.

Let me be clear: I'm not saying Chimamanda is bad, I'm saying she's not for me. I'll now sit here quietly and wait for her Beyhive to steal my identity and have me arrested for trying to create living gummy bears/actual bears hybrids in Russia.

The Best Instagram in the History of Instagram

So yes. I am petulantly reading this book & sending guilt trip screenshots to said cousin periodically to remind her that this is torture, because I'm petty. Hi, Shi! *waves energetically*

2. Dreading

The 87 hours to be spent at the salon tomorrow getting braids in.

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Someone, ANYONE bring me chocolate! Jk, I literally bring an entire bag of food from the supermarket nearby every time it's braid day. Literally.

3. Watching

havetoseetv

iZombie. You guys. U GUISE. Going by the title, one would assume it is a hellish collaboration between Apple and me at 08:00am on a Saturday. It is not. What it most certainly is, is a surprisingly funny, "gritty", smart AND suspenseful/thrilling/dramatic show. You guys.

First of all, DO NOT READ THE DESCRIPTION OF THE SHOW. With only 4 episodes out so far, episode one will have all the information you'll need for the rest of the season, so don't spoil it for yourself. Srsly. It's...it's the best.

Would that you could hear accents in gifs. #Swoon giphy

Which reminds me of the TV series post slowly growing more and more vindictive in my drafts folder until it finally takes human form and hunts me down. This week. This coming week for sure. Pinkie swear.

For this week, though, 'tis a wrap. I've been your host, Evey G., kisses and fun mistresses for the weekend. Peeeeeace!

Greetings, dear citizens of the internet, from your favourite procrastinator. March was an unreasonably busy month so posts kind of tapered off, but never fear: we're back in gear. On with the review!

The Book

"We Are All Completely Fine" is a novella from stunning wordsmith Daryl Gregory, who I have ranted and raved about before and this, folks, THIS. The book is an across the board revelation: Gregory is letting you know that he knows he's the man, and you know he's the man, and he knows that you know that he knows that you know he's the man. ...I'm 90% sure that reads how I wanted it to. #DealWithIt

Harrison is the Monster Detective, a storybook hero. Now he's in his mid-thirties and spends most of his time not sleeping.

Stan became a minor celebrity after being partially eaten by cannibals. Barbara is haunted by the messages carved upon her bones. Greta may or may not be a mass-murdering arsonist. And for reason, Martin never takes off his sunglasses.

Unsurprisingly, no one believes their horrific tales until they are sought out by psychotherapist Dr. Jan Sayer. What happens when these likely-insane outcasts join a support group? Together they must discover which monsters they face are within and which are lurking in plain sight

Summary from Goodreads. Find an excerpt here.

What You'll Like 

The novella is beautifully paced. Since it's very short, and Gregory has chosen to focus on an ensemble cast, this could easily have felt like way too much plot stuffed into one small package, so this is no small feat in itself.
The group of characters themselves are diverse and have stories you'll be dying to hear properly fleshed out in their entirety, though Gregory does a good job of slipping us all the information relevant to the story. So intriguing, actually, are the characters that Gregory has dropped a new book based on the lead: Harrison Harrison. Find an excerpt here.
The story is beautifully woven and you'll enjoy reading from start until about 3 pages to the finish. Here, you'll realize you only have 3 pages left and procees to completely lose your shit because omg this book should have lasted forever.
You will also love and be creeped out/forever haunted by Martin's storyline. L'chaim.

madamenoire

What You Won't Like

Nothing. Shhhhhhh, beloved, shhhhhhh. Just go with it.

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If this is your first Daryl Gregory book, you will want to read more, believe you me. Pick up what is in my opinion his best work yet, Afterparty, then come back and show your gratitude in wine coupons.

You might also be possessed to read "Unpossible and Other Stories" his short story anthology. Don't do it. I won't even link the book here is how much you should not do it. Seriously. Seriously.

For hella delayed reviews and promises to do better, this has been your Monday Like A Sir guide, Evey G.