Weekly Shawarma: The One with the WTF??

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Oi. Vey. ohmymag

It's a bit past 01:00am and your favourite local Spiderman stan is wide awake due to a wonderful combination of general insomnia (the true cat lady's affliction) and orthodontic discomfort (screaming pain) that may make Saturday an official "Stay indoors and vegetate" day. Ok, good people, a beautiful week comes to a random end: let's get to it.

1. Reading

Everything all at the same time because prioritizing is your entire face. The hard copy books are less accusing than the e-reader ones, which clearly note which page you are on and when you last accessed the book. Guilt trip? Flawless. Yet, friends, yet. I need new books. I haven't been to the bookshop in ages and it's just an itch, I don't know how to explain beyond the terms of an addiction. Does anyone else live this torture? We can start a support group- I know where to get cupcakes for our meetings. We can figure this out, folks.

My actual shower. skepticlawyer

2. Watching

"Shahs of Sunset" because I need to cleanse my palate after what Criminal Minds pulled with that "Mr. Scratch" episode yesterday. Those writers (and my dear husband who directed it, Matthew Grey Gubler) are petty, evil & inconsiderate and I am here for it. Also, pretty sure I just found the perfect dress, makeup and manicure for all weddings I'm invited to between now and August.

On fleek. Twirra

3. Processing 

Today I had a nice early dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in ages who's in Town for a few days (for my Kenyan spambots, at Loita street). By around 07:40pm we were done and walking down a very well lit, populated and safe area of Town when I heard a thump, then saw my friend attempt to duck and clutch her purse to her torso. Then it was a line of sympathetic 'sorry's from other pedestrians and a "That guy didn't look right in the head". Confused? So the heck was I.

About half a second before the commotion, a guy in dark pants, grey sweater/sweatshirt and a stained grey cap had walked by us and my friend started to regain her bearings, I saw him walk calmly away from us- holding a semi-concealed rectangular object in his hand.

Initially, I assumed was my friend's phone but a quick glance at her confirmed she still had that and all her belongings. The "object" in the man's hand was actually a brick.

As it turns out, this completely random psycho - who none of us had ever seen before - had walked up to us, then calmly proceeded to bash my friend in the forehead with said brick (the thump I heard at first). Presumably guided by voices from an alternate dimension, this dude then melted into the crowd before anyone could think to react.

...guys. Guys. WHAT THE FUCK????

What in the name of all things bizarre, random and unnecessary? This guy, for all intents and purposes, seemed completely normal. You'd notice threatening body language, or even someone that could possibly be mentally imbalanced, from a good enough distance away because you're always on high alert in Nairobi. This dude slipped right through the cracks and somehow managed to look completely normal up until he nonchalantly swung that brick then receded into the shadows.

Not only am I completely baffled (he made no attempt to steal anything or further harm my dear friend: the hit was a hit for it's own sake), I'm also terrified. When your ability to spot a danger is called into question, that means every passing face is a potential assault waiting to happen. If all you had to help you feel safe was the knowledge that you'd see harm coming in time to get away; and that's taken away from you...what happens next?

Also, and say it with me, WTF???????

My friend seemed okay afterwards- a little dazed but she's a strong woman, she'll be fine.

Since there's no way to end this that doesn't include me coming to your house and refusing to leave without a full time body guard at your expense, we shall opt for the abrupt ending. For this week's edition, this has been Evey G, writing from the Twilight zone. Have a rational weekend.


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