It's that 'posts with misleading titles' time again! *blasts glitter cannon* Previous shawarmy goodness can be found here, and an Internet Explorer pox upon ye who do not go check them out. Threats are a great way to make friends, btw. Let's hop to it, yes?

Dress code: badass. bloody-disgusting

 1. Reading
#GirlBoss, The Richest Man in Babylon and holding on to “If I Stay” to see if I’ll get around to it. I’m half way one with a review of #GirlBoss, which hopefully will see the light of day and not fade into the back alley of my drafts folder like so many others. It was self-improvement week, people!
via nastygal which I only just found out about because FASHUN

2. Watching
The Strain. Y’all. Y’ALL. I don’t even remotely know what to say. The series is slow to start, but you must persevere beyond the first two episodes because it is WORTH IT. If you’re a germophobe whose idea of literal Hell is waking up to news that a highly contagious, unidentified epidemic just arrived on the scene *cough* Ebola *cough* *cough*, the first two episodes will be d.i.s.t.u.r.b.i.n.g.

My lingerie henceforth. braladder

With a bunch of jump scares tied in, you will at some point come to the conclusion that the only way to get over what you’ve just seen (and be free of contamination) is to set yourself on fire. Do not do this. Instead, text a friend or person you hate a live recap of every minute, complete with hysterical commentary and suggestions to stock up on antiseptic.
From episode 3 going forward, you will most certainly have favourite characters to root for, as the stars are well written, layered and complicated like normal humans. Also stupid, like the scientist who refuses to…you know what? I’ll spare you the spoiler. When you see it, you’ll know what scene I mean & you should tweet me your variation of “Seriously? SERIOUSLY???”.
I’ve only seen the first 5 episodes so far and I’m already fan girl number 1. #TeamVasily
By all means, join the dark side.

*puppy eyes* io9

 3. Listening To
My inner ninja! This is both a new agey proclamation and a song title, which you should listen to because the video is adorbz. New word.
Also listening to a series of inspirational videos I’m assuming were meant for bodybuilders but also apply to bloggers who haven’t run in 6 years but need the hype to be productive that day. There’s obviously a pretty wide variety of options to choose from, but my current favourites are helpfully chronicled nowhere because I'm encouraging you to be self sufficient..

Don't give me that look businessbee

For Laziness and terrible lifestyle choices, this has been Evey G. *is played out by Avicii*
Prologue: Find an introduction to Captain Save a Ho(bo) here.

 The Set Up
Early this month, a good friend I hadn't seen in literal years sashayed back into town, so of course, catch up plans were hastily made. An eventful day of lunch, lounging and 2 years worth of gossip followed and a good time was had by all. That's not where this story begins.

At about 08:45pm, we were done with our shenetigens (copyright: Joseline Hernandez) and headed home. If you're familiar with Nairobi Town, you know where Archives is. My friend headed down towards Bus Station and I, the opposite direction to catch a bus home.

While we were saying our protracted goodbyes and "love your hair"s, a group of guys walks past us, with one of them (we'll call him SRSLY?) essentially stopping to look at me, then moving on with his friends and stopping a little farther ahead. Before you ask, YES these are things I notice when walking around because I need to know when to cross the street to avoid an ambitious rando.

Hey, boo. joyreactor

The Escalation
Now solo, I headed up the way the guys had gone and summoning my fiercest Resting Bitch Face, attempted to walk by them staring stonily ahead. At this point SRSLY? decides to run up beside me and say hello. Who hasn't received an unwanted hello? My default reaction is usually to act like the saluter is Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense and I'm not Haley Joel Osment, while speedily getting the hell up outta there, which I do here.

Naturally, I'm now on high alert; and proven correct when I hear a group of voices behind me and a distinctive "Nah, relax, I know her". Yup. Following the principles I was taught playing peek-a-boo as a toddler, I decide if I don't look at him, he doesn't exist.
Shortly, "Hi" sounds uncomfortably close to my left.

What? is there something on my face? hollywoodhorrormovies

The "Why Aren't Tasers Legal in Kenya"
I feel I need to explain: I am not a big girl. I couldn't hit 50KGs in Timberlands, and I'm not particularly tall. One of my high-school teachers used to make a point of telling me to be careful over school holidays as I can easily be stuffed into someone's duffel bag and never be seen again. She was the best. My point is, here is this group of guys, led by Mr Insist Until She Gives In and I'm by my lonesome.
This was taken last year. liveluvcreate

The following conversation then proceeds to happen:

SRSLY?: That wasn't fair. At least say hi to people you know
Me:           I don't know you

(At this point, I walk away to the right, putting proper distance between us but still in the vicinity of my matatus)

This dude FOLLOWS ME AGAIN.

SRSLY?: My name is "whatevertheheck"
Me:          *silence*
SRSLY:   I said, my name is "whatevertheheck".
Me:          That's nice
SRSLY?: What's your name
Me:          I don't have one *walk a bit farther away*
SRSLY?: That's not fair. At least I know I'm good. *his friends finally get him to go away*

I get a matatu and head home to recount this story to everyone on my WhatsApp. My girls were, as expected, sympathetic, having been in that position themselves numerous times.
The guys...a mixed bag. Some understood where I was coming from, some laughed and said I was unnecessarily mean, and the real gems said I should have just had a conversation with him. "Kwani what's so hard about saying hi?". (Guess who immediately had 'Creeper' added to their name in my phonebook and win a Channing Tatum cut out.)

Specifically, this one. beautyandthedirt

My Perspective
From where I'm standing, when you're alone and being essentially accosted by a group of gents around other people, the safest thing is to show you are not voluntarily involved from the get go.
The way I see it, if the crowd waiting for javs with me sees from the beginning that I'm uncomfortable, should things escalate to a physical confrontation or necessitate me to yell for help, I am more likely to receive assistance.
In a situation where people see you laughing and conversing with this group, then asking for help when things go South, they are likely to interpret it as a domestic squabble and continue to mind their own business (although in Nairobi, short of literally being on fire, folks are likely to mind their business anyway).

#ButThatsNoneOfMyBusiness marketmenot

Epilogue: Guys, if you pull this stunt/endorse it, you are a DOUCHENOZZLE. Stop that. Stop. Go forth and be gentlemen.

What's better than being up at 04:00am because you have plans at 09:00am and you know if you sleep you'll be out cold 'til late afternoon? Everything. Everything is better than this torment. Your resident insomniac has returned with a piping hot serving of shawarma for this week (left overs in the fridge can be found here) for this week. My theme today, typed while listening to "Just a Kiss" by lady Antebellum, is guilty pleasures. Obviously. Let's get to it, shall we.

1. Reading

I make no secret of my love for Russell Brand and the fauna that inhabits his beard: he's wildly hilarious with that brand of intelligence catches you off guard. Seeking this wit in written form, my reading for this week is his "My Booky Wook 2". I've heard it's not as fabulous as its predecessor (which I'm still looking for), *shrugs* let's see.



2. Fashun


As much as I feel that pic alone is sufficient fashun to last the rest of the year, I must press on. As far as sartorial mentors go, there are few better than Mr Bass himself as far as dressing like a dapper gent goes. Thankfully, the Internet gods are feminists and have blessed us with acres of guides on translating Bassian looks for those of us with bewbs.


There you have it. If you happen to spot a girl in a bow tie and unruly hair on the bus this week, please look away, I have terrible social anxiety. Speaking of looks you should look away from:

Red. Onesie. Hoodie. Style Bistro
Never forget.

3. Watching

On to Guilty Pleasure lane. Remember when that telenovella 'Maria De Los Angeles' was all the rage and everyone had a crush on that herbalist bro with a red headband or Radames Basanta? Yes, me neither, as it never happened. *clears throat*
Similarly not happening is my enthusiastically watching the soap of our times, 'Revenge'.


Veering from "omg what happens next" to bat caca nonsense with insane glee guaranteed to give you whiplash, I am ashamed to say that I have religiously consumed 3 seasons of 2014's answer to 'The Bold and The Beautiful'. My name is Evey and only your specific god can judge me.

Honourable Mention

I tweeted this gem on Tuesday, and I'm compelled to direct your attention here today. A little backstory: social media is being used to find delinquent fathers that skip out on child support in the States. Some of the ones who are caught are interviewed by Fox to find out their reason for being a special flavour of awful person. One such interview, which totally changed my life, is below.
Awesomely Luvvie, where the vine is from, does this story true justice HERE: the story plus comments are everything. EVERYTHING.

'til next week folks, no further questions. *is carried away by giant owl*



Given that I was actually enjoying a lovely shawarma roll at the time of commencing this post, 'tis kismet that the name remain. Pro tip: do not, in this lifetime, ask the chef at an Arab restaurant to make your dish spicy because you think you're G. You are not. No one is. On the plus side, I can finally fulfill Mother's dreams of seeing me eat spinach as I've lost all feeling in my tongue. On to this week's round up.

1. Reading

Yo girl DJ Procrastination took it old school this week with the frankly refreshingly easy to read classic, The Island of Dr. Moreau. The question here is, does this make me automatically classier than you? Yes, yes it does. People who call themselves classy always are.

via Susan Hated Literature

Again, I have this e-book but will not share here because prison (maybe). You can download it yourself over at Adelaide and get a bunch more classic books as well. Happy haunting!

 2. Listening to

The 80s were a magical time where shadowy characters could drop acid then create mystical experiences to introduce your child to the wonderful world of psychedelic drugs. Yes, I'm talking about the cartoons.

These came to Kenya via KBC a lot later than when they were actually aired, and for that, we are all eternal grateful. Hark!


 SoundCloud is still being sulky. :( Aluta continua.

3. Cooking

I cooked, you guys! Sticky chicken wings what whaaaaaat! This is what they looked like going into the oven:



Which you'll recognize as my first mistake, since they generally cook better in a little group to keep the painstakingly mixed sauce from essentially draining and going to waste. Needless to say, the result was laughable. 20 minutes later I ended up having to turn them over and redrizzle them with sauce (the bottom end had all dropped onto the tray thing) then cook again 'cause apparently, giving your family salmonella is not "something we'll laugh about 10 years from now". So uptight.

After the second baking, my wings were well and sticky but I was over it and left them all in Mum's fridge where my kid brother happened upon them and destroyed them in one sitting, swearing he'd seen the gates of heaven with each bite. ...that's totally what he said. For real.
I would be flattered, but we all know teenage boys are essentially Sarlacci, so I'm not sure. Will try again, with moar pics!

Honourable Mention

I won't even preface this. Go here ---> 28 Dates Later .Just...don't Google the Nigerian thing. Enjoy.

Jusqu'à la prochaine fois, this has been Evey G and the cat her neighbour is frantically searching for, with weekly Shawarma.


Mood Music. 

As explained last week, the lazily tentatively titled Weekly Shawarma series  is a round up type situation of what has been read, listened to or otherwise enjoyed during the week. Without further pomp and circumstance, let's get right into it.


1. Reading

Contemporary Reads: I got into "One More Thing: Stories and Other Stories" by BJ Novak, otherwise known as Ryan from the Office and that guy that's maybe dating Mindy Kaling. I'm in the process of writing a review which will likely be up by end of the week, Safaricom internet & other writing engagements allowing.


Classic Read: Since Hipster Overdose is a real thing that has claimed several lives, I decided to break that up with Asimov's "Youth", which is a surprisingly easy read. I'm not sure why I expected it to be borderline clunky like Lovecraft, but I'm pleasantly surprised and looking forward to completing it. 

Throwback read: Did you guys catch Kevin Mwachiro's "Invisible" book release waaaaaay way back? I've been turning over my feelings on said book for a while now, since I actually finished reading it the same day it was officially launched. I dunno. The jury's out on whether I'll review it.

2. Fashun

If I had unlimited financial resources and no family to be ashamed of me, my wardrobe would be described as "Time-traveler from the 20s on speed". Or "Ugh, another hipster", depending on how much sugar was in your cereal in the morning. To this end, one of my favourite places on the internet is the ModCloth Instagram page 'cause gurrrrrrrl. 

For this and other reasons that require medication, when I found Pin Up Girl Clothing I was ecstatic. It's like a candy shop for my retro hypoglycemia.


Do they deliver to Kenya? Yes. Are the delivery charges about half the cost of the product itself (or more than the actual price if you want priority shipping)? Also, yes. So, y'know, boo and such. Silver lining: they have a dedicated gallery for stuff like this so at the very least you can find inspiration for looks and stuff then Toi/Gikosh your way to an outfit. So, glass half full. 


3. Listening to


I haz been rocking to Jason Derulo's "Tattoos" album all week, and dude is doing it. "Stupid in Love" and "The Other Side" are my staples here but I'm ok with "Trumpets" as well. Getchu a piece on my playlist below. Sidebar: the tattoos on the album cover over there are actually titles of the tracks on the album, as pointed out by popcrush. Yeiz.

Also, guys. Guise. Guyz. Sam Tsui. Shhhh. Just listen.


As promised, playlist here. For some reason, I can't change the SoundCloud settings to let playlists embed, but I am working on it and shall have one up directly on the blog soon. A direct player, if possible. By all means get your hopes way, WAY up. 

Honourable Mention


Bad decisions took corporeal form and possessed the internet this week as Blue Steel poster-child Jeremy Meeks' mugshot sent a great (ambitious) many of you spinning into "my love can fix him" mode. #FelonCrushFriday

Among other things. via Audrey Brooks/Facebook

Years later when scientists gather to study how astronomical levels of THURST scorched all that remained of the Ozone layer, you will smile a secret smile and know you did your part to help doom the human race. Congratulations. Backstory here.


Aite, that's it for this week. In a lot of ways, the shawarma posts are a way to share finds and keep the page updated. Obviously, the kinks are still worked out and *insert speech about fine wine aging here*. 'til next time. (rides into horizon on Hell Hound)

Alrighty then, folks, first things first, never underestimate the effects of stress on your creative juices. Second, never use the phrase "creative juices".

gurl

After a (stolen) two day vacation, your girl DJ Procrastination is back in full swing and let me tell you, my drafts folder overfloweth. I actually still have a pending article about Iron Man 3, folks, I haz a problem.

In an effort to better-person myself, I have committed to completing the following posts over the course of a timeline that will remain vague and free of accountability because it is about time. As I check them off the list, links will be provided to each item so I can rub it in your non-believing faces and welcome new readers to tour this blog far and wide. 

Let's get to it:

Rant
My thesis for a newly discovered creature prospering on the Kenyan landscape: Canis lupus androidus. Wait for this. It shall change your life. #GuaranteedNobel


Book Reviews
1. The Golem and The Jinni by Helene Wecker
2. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
3. Going Down River Road by Mejja Mwangi

Music & Pop Culture
Shingeki no Kyojin Post! I've been afraid to write this up because, how can you possibly do Shingeki any justice? HOW. For you though, I shall attempt to. It's what Eren would want.

戦い cinegoon


Weekly playlist update from my SoundCloud. There is such amaze music out there, you guys, like you have no idea ermergerrrd. Also included: anything interesting I happen to watch, which will likely be a reality show and you will like it.

Foodie Things
1. One restaurant review
2. One attempted recipe with actual pictures that I took. ...pray for me.

Events
One event review by July 14th. See? Deadline. Progress!

Fashun
...I'll figure this out. *adjusts pajama pants*

Adjusts suitjama pants, that is. thisiswhyimbroke

These are in no particular order so nobody bay for my blood (hello, 3 consistent readers from Thailand!). Challenge, ACCEPTED.

In the interest of sharing fantastical things that have existed on the interwebs, in book things and so forth, and lacking the time to do proper posts on them, I'm trying this new thing where I wrap up the events of the week in one fell swoop, tentatively titled "The Weekly Shawarma". ...because shawarma can come in a wrap filled with spicy deliciousness, so the post is the shawarma roll and the findings are the...y'know what? I'll change the name.

It made sense in my head. wikihow

Naming issues aside, hark the things that tickled my fancy this week:

1. Reading

Few things creepier than finding this on a page entirely in Russian. meandthefarmer

One Hundred Years of Solitude Finally completed the original Game of Thrones, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Wow. You guys? Guys? WOW. Expect a review as soon as I finish picking exploded brain matter out of my reading spot.

The Complete Stories of Franz Kafka I tried, good people. I really tried. The gatekeeper story, at the start of the collection, I got, but everything subsequent? Far too Kafkaesque for me right now. *badum tss* Seriously, it's like reading the American Horror Story script & skipping every other episode then writing a book report about it. Will try again. Eventually.

Also coming: a review of The Golem and The Jinni, because YES.

Sweet Valley High for History Buffs io9

Sidenote: Being in possession of the mentioned e-books, I would love to share them here but I'm unclear as to the legal mechanics of file sharing books. Shall research & return.

2. #CarTingz

Behold, the literal price of my soul. dupontregistry

Lamborghini Veneno Allow me to begin with the more frivolous/self-esteem crushing news: while you haters dubbed the Lamborghini Veneno the world's ugliest car, three of the four models created were being delivered to their final owners customized and fresh to death, the last one remaining with Lamborghini. Let's all remember that as we take public transportation later today.

Moving on.

Tesla Model S The Oatmeal does a most excellent review of the Tesla Model S non-pelican drowning electric smart car as only Matthew Inman can. Let the records show OHASZ supports all environmentally friendly initiatives and donations of Model S's can be directed to our business manager, Haji.

3. Listening to



 Popular: I'm well aware that I'm hella late with this but Mr Probz's "The Treatment" (2013) is the truth. Seriously, listen to the Robin Schultz remix of 'Waves' then come back & say I steered you wrong. I'll buy you cookies. 

Personal choice: For some reason, Emeli Sande's 'Free' has really stuck with me this week. Get to that also as well.

Like a sir: Philip Wesley - New Day. Enough said.

4. Honourable Throwback Mention
Bonus! avatar.wikia

La Mujer de Mi Twitter's finest episode took off a while back with a frankly hilarious but kinda sad catfishing story, explained here by an intrepid reporter I have nothing but high fives for. For #KOT thoughts that will add minimum 5 years to your life, click here.

Aite, I guess that's it. Experimental shawarma post posted, to be refined & soaked in the finest procrastination spices for your enjoyment, Y'all come back now, y'hear?